Update: Well things have been going in a pretty good direction so far with my H and I.
He has decided to stay at his apartment rather than moving into the party pad he had origonally planned. He thinks he wants to stay another month or so at his place now until we are both ready for him to make the move back in.
We have been romantic and friendly and had a lot of fun dates so far. But we have also duked it out a few times about certain important issues and some boundaries.
I wont say that this piecing stuff is easy at all, it is just a whole new roller coaster ride that I feel like I am on.
I feel my H really still wants and desires his freedom and this new man he has become with all new friends and new hang outs. He has even said to me that he is afraid that I will end up trying to pull him away from who he has become. Of course I try to explain my points but he is still a bit odd (MLC), and so we decided that for now we need to find a happy medium between our lifes and try to balence things out for now.
He has been willing to come to compromises when we argue instead of getting up and leaving like he has in the past. He seems to always come to the conclusion that he wants to work on us and he knows we are meant to be together.
I have a goal to try and hang out with him more often doing things that dont always include alcohol. The reason for this is that H seems to have become quite the alcoholic bar fly in the last 6 months that he was gone. So we have a great time together when it is just us going to the movies, out to dinner, walking the dog, bowling, golfing, watching tv, talking , and even sitting at home drinking a few drinks together. The problems arive when we are out at social situations and most involve alcohol (his gigs with his band, trivia night, hanging with our friends on the weekends) so it is really hard to avoid the issues then. We have had issues with the amount he still goes to the bar, the way he seems to be very friendly with all the local woman, and him coming around or avoiding our past friends.
No one thinks I should even be giving him this chance again. They all think that I am crazy and they all label him an alcoholic that wont treat me right.
I sometimes have a fear that he is dragging me through this end part of his MLC with him. The way he talks sounds so good and like he has really awakened, but sometimes I am seeing glimpses of the mlc in his actions still. I feel like he is somewhat torn, but he is not giving me any reasons to believe that he doesnt want this to work out.
I have continued GAL to the max. I am trying really hard to stil hang out with all my friends even though they are all unconfortable with the situation all together. And H and I usually see each other about 3 nights a week and spend the weekends at each others places.
I hope and pray that this will last and become a much better M with time and effort. I hope and pray that H will slow down his drinking and try to stay out the bars more often. I hope and pray for being able to eventually fully forgive him. I know I can forgive him now to a certain extent, but I feel there is still more progress to be made and trust to be rebuilt before I can completely say I forgive all of what he has done.
I most importantly thank God every chance I get for giving my H and I this other chance at making our M work.
Thanks everone for listening, Keep DBing, and I am open to any advise or thoughts. TIPPER
Thanks Jeanette, It means alot and I am glad you enjoy reading my posts. I try to be informative in regards to what type of experiences I have been and am still going through, so it might help others along thier journeys too.
My H will be coming by to grill up some dinner with me at my place tonight. I cant wait to see him. TIPPER
Well my H said tonight that he cant wait to go to this big annual party this weekend we all call "Mayfest" and have been holding with our group of friends from H.S. since back in the day.
About 3 weekends ago (when H & I were first seeing each other again) our friend who holds it - called and invited my H to come. I thought it was great, but I didnt know if he would accept. So this is a good sign that he is starting to try and use his backbone and come around all of our old group of friends more often. I just hope we dont run into any problems while we are there. My brother will be there and he doesnt really like my H right now, along with many others- who often dont hold back saying it to him, which causes issues.
I think it will go well though, and most likely those people will just hold back due to the nature and setting of this fun gathering. And then H mentioned spending sunday together also. Even though things are relatively slow in the making between us, I am looking forward to it all.
Ok, so we have had a not so good turn of events yesterday with my Situation: 1) Last night my H and I were supposed to meet up to watch a band play and I got no call, and when I called him he was already there with his buddies. So I went and hung out with my friends and he said he didnt wanted to come see them all. 2) Then while we were watching the bands, my H text me and said he cant make it to the big "Mayfest" party tommorow. 3) I text him back and said "ok, I am sensing your vibes and I am just going to go home tonight instead of staying at your place". 4) when the bands were done, he called me and asked to see me, & I was walking towards my car to go home. He met me and we argued. 5) He was wasted and couldnt understand that I was feeling rejected and dissed by him. 6)H says he doestnt want to go to this stuff because my big brother will be there (and they hate each other) and he doesnt want to get into a fight with him. 7)My H says that his new bestfriend ran into my brother the night before and my bro was wearing one of my H's roofing t-shirts and talking crap about him all night and to his best friend. Now my H is infuriated and says he doesnt know how we are going to ever work out our R when I am always taking my bro's side. 8)I told my H that I am not taking my bro's side, he is blood and I love him. my Brother can be the biggest jerk and I know it. But I dont want him to keep driving a wedge between us and we need to look for solutions instead of avoiding or fighting each other. 9) I left to go home alone and H went back to the bars (I am sure).
This was a pretty bad argument that we had. My H put down all my friends and family and kept telling me that himself and his new friends are the most important things to him. He tried to blame me for leaving him all 3 times that he packed his bags and left me this last year. He threatened over and over that he was going to kill my brother, and he was so drunk that he was kicking and punching the siding on his apartment. I kept telling him I didnt want to fight because he was drunk so I wanted to just go home that night, and he kept saying "sure leave me again, like you have already 3 times". Finally I got sick of it and left. He gave me a nice text on my way home and then asked me to call him.
I got home and called him and I said I understand that you dont want to go to mayfest or anything that my Brother is at, but I was just feeling rejected and scared that you didnt want to be with me. I said lets just meet up on sunday and do our own things tommorow. H started to try and fight again, and I said I was tired and finally he let me go. I said I love you, and he said it back to me.
IDK what to do anymore. My H is a huge alcoholic and even though he wants to be with me, he wants his bachelor lifestyle too. He wants to go do everything with his new friends and I am starting to feel like a third wheel. Now he has huge issues with my Bro and things are getting worse. I love my H, but I am not liking very much what he has turned into. He puts me and everyone else down all the time. He keeps being really selfish and he just doesnt see situations the same way the rest of the world seems to see things. I dont want to end things, but I also dont know how to go through this MLC with him. So many things are upsetting me. I am trying to not be too selfish and not control him. But I get hurt when he breaks our plans and talks so badly about everyone.
I dont know what kinds of solutions to this there could be. He hates my Bro and my bro hates him. They will kill each other if they are around each other. HELP!
kept telling me that himself and his new friends are the most important things to him. He tried to blame me for leaving him all 3 times that he packed his bags and left me
i dont think ive ever posted to you Tipper, but this says it all....that man is no where near baked DETACH, dont be available all the time..have plans....
Quote:
He puts me and everyone else down all the time. He keeps being really selfish and he just doesnt see situations the same way the rest of the world seems to see things
=MLC
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I went to the mayfest party alone yesterday. Everyone kept asking where my H was and saying "oh, I thought you guys were trying to work things out". I tried to explain to everyone that he is uncomfortable around certain people and didnt want to cause any fights. People were putting him down and I tried to defend him.
Later that night, as I was going to bed, My H text me, this was our conversation: H- "I dont know what to do" Me- "about what babe?" H- "are you mad at me" Me- "no, not at all, I understand why you didnt want to come to the party tonight, I miss you & we will make it through this, I have faith" H- "ok, if you have faith, so do I. I love you! relationships are difficult. This is going to be very hard". Me- "Anything worth achieving isnt going to be easy, I love you!" H- "I hear that" H- "are you home" Me- "Yeah, I went to my parents house and I am in bed" H- "thank you" H- " Do you realize that you dont trust me babe?" Me- "trust is earned, I need reassurances every now and then, I dont think that is too much to ask for". H- " I think your vibes the other night were way off, wasnt cool" Me- " I had every reason to think that you were rejecting me before we met up and talked, now I see differently"
He never said anything back to me. I went to sleep. When I got home today around 11:30 I text him, "hey do you want to still come over and hang out today as planned". It is now 3 hours later and I have not recieved any calls back.
I cant take his rejection any more I am so scared. My sister in law is coming over now to console me because I am just so damn hurt by him again. I am freaking out. I want this to work, but he is still an alien to me. He has become such an alcoholic, it just keeps clouding his judgement. How do I go through this all again, HOW??? TIPPER
He is so far from ready. You need to leave him alone, maybe go dark. He is still in the midst of replay...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, Yeah, I agree that he is still in this crisis. He says he knows he needs to rebuild my trust - but then the actions to do so are getting more & more less frequent.
I kindof feel like my H just wants someone to have sex with while he is out living his bachelor/free lifestyle. He is still at the bars almost everyday. The thing is that now it is for less amount of time since he is slowly finding other things to do.
He did give me his passport the other day so I could book our bahamas trip for over our anniversary in August. So that is good.
I am still doing ALL of my GAL activities. If he doesnt want to see me or is busy, then I go do my own thing. I dont want to detatch completely becuase he is giving some efforts still. I just plain and simply dont know how to pull him away from the bars and all his new young immature friends.
H now has his new friends from his band working with him on roofs, so I have a feeling they will see his true colors eventually as all his other roofing crew's have seen & then usually quit or get fired.
This is just really hard to feel like we are just dating when we are supposed to be happily married. My own insecurities are driving me nuts.
H did end up coming over on sunday and after he maulled me, we had a good day (dinner & movies). I did talk briefly about the bad weekend we had and he didnt seem to want to get into it. But he gave me reasons to think things are o.k.
Then I went and saw him play with his band on Monday & when they were done he didnt want me to go, but I did.
Then last night, I went bowling and text him my scores at the end as he asked and he seemed to not want to talk, and was very brief. He said he would find time to call me tomorow. I still dont know what he was doing last night. Then at 1:36 a.m. he text me that he loves me & he was sorry it was too late. I said good night. And he responded "Good night Angel". He was nice becuase he knew he was messing up.
Now tonight, I will not call him, and we will see if he calls me. TIPPER
