Don't know what I feel right now, but if it follows the same pattern then tomorrow is going to be a rough day. I picked up D early from school and we hung out at the park for a while. W called and said "is big D what your really want" and "don't you still love me?"
What a lying, cheating b%$#ch she's become. I feel like I wasted the last 2 years of my life and a lot of money. I'm more angry than anything right now.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
You're not going to feel much worse than this. And I join with the others in expressing my sadness for what you found out.
While this is fresh on your heart and mind is definitely NOT the time to make potentially life changing decisions.
The presence of the OM on the other hand changes things between the two of you. While she is seeing OM, she gets nothing from you. Contact should be limited to making arrangements for the children or financial matters only.
This is also the time, if you're looking for legal action, to at least consider a legal separation. If you can afford an attorney, the legal separation would at least protect you from any financial bad decisions she might make in entertaining in her adulterous lifestyle. It would also spell out visitation very clearly, as well as any temporary support that would need to be paid.
I think it's a good idea, especially given that she is involved with other people.
You clearly cannot trust her word on ANYTHING at this time.
Do your best to avoid prolonged conversations centered on questions like she asked you today. Simple responses that are TRUE for you are the way to go, then end the conversation.
You do NOT want a divorce. Your wife however has cheated on you, at least once. You now need to use her ACTIONS and not her words when making your decisions because she cannot be trusted.
Don't decide today whether or not you can find healing from her affair. The answer today would probably be no, but might change in a few weeks. Instead focus on you and your involvement with the kids. Continue taking care of yourself and close the door a bit on interactions with your wife. She is not someone you want to be involved with right now anyway.
And for what it's worth, I'd say a LOT of this has to do with her new body and the attention she has gathered. Life with men throwing their bodies at you, absent the daily responsibilities of being wife and Mom, probably is intoxicating right now.
Sorry for you.
But you can get thru this if you want to.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Especially to you. That was well worded and well placed and I really appreciate you taking the time to sit and write that. You are so right. I'm so angry right now and I obviously can't make a rational decision. Deep down I know I'll always love W, but I really don't know if I can keep the R going. We'll see.
If you know my sich then you know my MIL is in the picture. She is so distraught right now with her D. W was supposed to come by 3 hours ago to get D. No word. She is really lost. Luckily D is playing next door again (thank god for the neighbors kid). I still want D to have a good relationship with W. In 2-3 years, W is going to look back at this and say "what did I do".
Bworl, thanks again for those comments. Helped me a lot.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
In 2-3 years, W is going to look back at this and say "what did I do".
This is what we all hope and expect. Only time will tell. Let's be real and say that some slip off the edge and find their way back - others don't. And there's really no way of knowing which one your wife is.
Hopefully your MIL will understand if you need to make some changes in how your wife is allowed to interact at home. If not, there could be difficulties there. Make no bones about it though AD, your decisions need to be made with the best interests of you and your daughter, not your MIL and her daughter.
Others may offer you different takes on how to respond to this revelation. Understand that I share my opinions. It's up to you to take all the input and decide what will work best for you. Just keep in mind that, at this point in the drama, what's most important right now is you and your daughter. In a sense, your wife has crossed over to the dark side.
Your love is what carries you through this stuff, so it's important I think to remind yourself of why you and your wife fell in love and married. She's crossed a big line, but it's a line that many, many couples have found healing from with time and counseling. The deal is, she has to reach a point where she is able to acknowledge what she has done wrong and agreed to commit to changing. I'd say this is well on down the road for you two.
I stress again to take care of you and your daughter. You will be playing both Mommy and Daddy for the most part. Spouses in the throes of an affair are notoriously undependable parents. Reassure your daughter, let her know that Mommy loves her but is having a difficult time right now. And give her a larger portion of your time and love. Then don't forget to care for yourself too.
This definitely is not something any of us ever wanted to experience. But you are at least in a place here where we can offer support and a listening ear.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
AD, I don't know if this helps right now or not, but, being a sex addict has very little to do with sex.
It is a result of a woman feeling that her value or worth comes from her sexuality or appearance. Her "drug" is the attention, being desired, the chase, all of that, not the actual act. She probably feels tremendously guilty immediately after. She probably feels a lot of shame, all the time. She probably wonders why she can't stop it. But, the brain chemicals that are released when she's in that mode, are as powerful as heroin.
She will probably repeat the same pattern over & over until she addresses her self worth & self esteem issues.
I know you're angry at her right now, & you have every right to be. I just wanted to share this information with you. It's like asking a drug addict to just stop cold turkey. If she manages to stop on her own, she'll go through incredible withdrawals, once those brain chemicals are not surging. She may back slide. She needs professional help. If she wants to come back to you, at some point, I'd insist she get some therapy before you let her back into your arms & your heart.
just my 2 cents. Take care. There are people here who care about you & Abby.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
She's making a series of bad choices and the worst one is she's picking some OM over her daughter. She might also work on losing her job. I would go with Bworl on getting separation agreement in place.
I'm not sure I would answer "No" to the divorce question or "yes" to the "do you still love me?" question. I don't think it's that easy and it shouldn't be for her. I wouldn't give her any indication where you are at emotionally. She isn't entitled to that. I would tell her, "Now is not the best time to answer those questions. "I don't know", is the best choice at the moment. "Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do if I repeatedly cheated on you? What would I be trying again for?"
You will have to deal with MIL. She's not going to be able to be your roomie for that much longer, can she? You need space and you don't need someone that is a conduit to your wife's ears.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Funny you should say that because I was just telling a friend that yesterday. I understand that once all her weight went and she got a lot of attention it did become a drug. I guess I wouldn't have categorized it as a "sex addict" but its obvious she's addicted to that right now. Doesn't make it feel better for me though.
Phoenix,
MIL have a unique relationship. Actually she's been my second mom since the beginning but I do watch what I say around her now. But she is completely out of the loop when it comes to W. I think W doesn't tell her much out of shame, and MIL is struggling almost as much as me right now. But MIL does have one focus right now and she keeps me on the focus too. She says "its all about that little girl" and it really keeps me sane.
Today, I'm going completely dark. I had a little wine last night and said/did a few mean things when W FINALLY stopped by to see Abby. First I said "I hope you wash the sheets before Abby comes over to stay". Also, when Abby took W upstairs to show her some dance, I grabbed some condoms and asked W if she needed any extras. Way opposite of DB but I vow not to do anything like that again. I'm going dark and staying dark. If not just for me, but also Abby.
Thanks everyone.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
