I think she wants to be friends

[Nutty Chick]

Sleeper, if you keep running when she calls she will have no respect for you.




She has lost nothing by divorcing you.

She still has your total support.

In fact you probably do more for her now than you have for a long time. What incentive is there for her to want you back full time?

I understand your theory that you want to be there for her because she is expecting you to behave like the rest of the world and let her down .. but you don’t want to become a puppet on a string.

Nutty

[sleeper]

Another problem solved itself.

X-W called multiple times. We're still working out financial stuff but she also opened up to me on how stresssed she is and what a crazy day she will have tomorrow (her last work day before vacation). She even hinted that she might not be able to go on vacation the day she planned because she has so much work to do. I havent figured out how to stop these sharing moments without sounding downright rude or uncaring.

She let me know one of her friends and her two kids took her up on her offer to go with her and our kids on vacation. This kinda uninvited me and solved my need to bow out gracefully. At the same time she said I "could still come, the kids would love it" and she offered to pay for my roomm at a nearby hotel. I declined, cited unreliable car as the problem.

[sleeper]

Another problem solved itself.

X-W called multiple times. We're still working out financial stuff but she also opened up to me on how stresssed she is and what a crazy day she will have tomorrow (her last work day before vacation). She even hinted that she might not be able to go on vacation the day she planned because she has so much work to do. I havent figured out how to stop these sharing moments without sounding downright rude or uncaring.

She let me know one of her friends and her two kids took her up on her offer to go with her and our kids on vacation. This kinda uninvited me and solved my need to bow out gracefully. At the same time she said I "could still come, the kids would love it" and she offered to pay for my roomm at a nearby hotel. I declined, cited unreliable car as the problem.

[sleeper]

W has asked me the last couple of times we've talked, am I "mad at her?" , "what's wrong?" I have shrugged these questions off responding I am stressed, have a lot on my mind. The next time she asks that I will be tempted to tell her I hate her. This is a new feeling I have for her. I think before I was too hurt and in pain to feel this emotion. Now that I am much more detatched from her I am feeling great resentment for what she has done to me and the kids.

This vacation trip she and the kids are going on has brought it to a head. She's going the place we went every summer as a family. For the second time I will not be going with them albeit by my choice. I hate her for this. I told her a couple of weeks ago the worst week of my life was when I didn't go with them last summer (my choice). I still feel not going is the right thing to do as there must be some line drawn as to things not being the same as they were.

It must not bother her as much as it bothers me.

I hate her.

[Bworl]

Hate is a stong word, but I can understand your feeling that way.

Hopefully you'll pass on the temptation to share it with her.

Sorry about the vacation spot. Another casualty.

Still planning on taking the friend approach?

I'm pretty sure she's had no real reason to feel the divorce yet. Certainly not like you have.


Blessings,

Bill

[sleeper]

Oh how our words come back to bite us. when one of my students says, "I hate......" I ALWAYS respond, "hate is a very strong word."

She just called (of course) to tell me how tired she was and she was just getting off work/going home. She said I could still come. I laughed.

I guess I don't know how to stop being her friend but I'm going to learn. I will have to make a conscious effort to stop answering the phone when she calls. I also need to not do ANYTHING for her.

I did mention something I did today. She said, "thanks." I responded, "I did it for the kids."

[Bworl]

May 5, 2008

The more I hve distanced myself from W during this the angrier she has gotten. The more I have done for her the softer and friendlier she has become. At first I felt very manipulated and controlled by this. I often saw it as as demanding her cake and eating it too.

I now think I may have been mistaken. Due to my dysfunction w felt she was carrying the entire burden of our family for "years." She naturally was angry and resented me for that but held it in until mlc hit. She was actually angered by the major self improvements I made following our separation. Angry that someone else would get the "good" version of me.

She always responds favorably when I complement or flirt with her and do things for her.

The only time going dark may have worked was once when she spewed majorly/became violent and then I did not respond to her calls. At that time she probably thought she had gone too far and feared she had pushed me away for good.

So there is my plan. I'm going to be there for her, do things I think or know she wants done, be very complementary and flirty when possible. Every time I have texted her a flirt she has immediately responded by thanking me. If she didn't want me to she would tell me to stop or at the very least would not text her thanks.

This could prove to be a desirable double edged sword. It may make her feel more favorable toward me and it may make OM jealous at the same time. He has responded with jealousy before when I did things for her. I expect more of the same.

So is this plan over?


Bill

[sleeper]

Yeah, I guess so. Cause it sure ain't working is it?

Does anyone know if the French Foreign Legion is stil active? I sure could use a stint in that right know.

Got any ideas, Bill?

[Bworl]

I'm not sure that this is not working just because of the vacation deal.

And if you mean it's not working because there hasn't been significant movement toward an improved relationship, maybe you need a bit more time.

And then again, maybe a mixture of the two approaches is called for.

Be the outstanding father. Don't let the kids become a "technique." But maybe slow down on the availability for other help.

Just grasping at straws here Sleeper.

Sorry if it's not much help.

My impression is that this vacation thing is tainting your bigger picture view. And I understand the hurt.



Bill

[sleeper]

OK would you believe she called back again? She said I could still come, could stay in another hotel and COULD BRING MY MOTHER! WTF? She HATES my mother!

Is she sending me mixed signals or have I just lost my mind?