This isn't a forum I ever wanted to be posting in. But after several threads in the "Newcomers" forum, I'm here, now.
My marriage is over.
It failed for a few reasons, some of which I have learned over these past few months. I've owned up to my parts in the failure, but have come to know that I was outright lied to by my wife and someone who was supposed to be a friend.
They're not publicly together, but I know (not suspect, but know) that they both claim to "love" each other - which is a laugh, really, since their actions managed to break up two marriages in the end, but they're pretending they're just friends.
Regardless.
I'm here now. I'm taking some steps to get on with my new life. Have been for awhile, since I accepted that my marriage was over, and beyond saving...or, honestly, me wanting to save it.
It's only been 8 months since my wife left me. That's a long time to some, but we were together for 6 years and she was the onyl real relationship I ever had. And I was her only relationship.
I still miss her sometimes. Others I'm mad as hell at her. My former friend? I really, really want to see karma kick him in the crotch - and, while he's doubled over, in the face a couple of times. I've honestly thought that if he were to die in a car accident or get cancer, that it would actually please me. That worries me some, but high levels of betrayal are likely to bring out the nastier side of a person.
I'm back in school, pulling in enough money to get by, and taking it day by day.
The woman I loved and married is gone. THat's one thing I remind myself of whenever I miss her. There's someone out there who looks like her and has her same name, but the good person she was is gone - dead. All that's left is a shallow, self-centered, "I'm right" bitch. Qualities she inherited from my former friend.
I avoid contact as much as possible, except when it's necessary or unavoidable.
I'm doing okay.
I'm still a little angry. I'm still hurt. But I'm walking towards that better tomorrow.
[quote] Your heart's got a heavy load There's still a long way to go Keep your eyes on the road [quote]
Welcome. As the first poster, I claim the free drink.
It's morning, so I'm going to break some tradition and order up an Irish Car Bomb .
I've been in almost all of the places you are now. I've wished some pretty horrible things on someone. Know what? Betrayal or not, it does nothing for you. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make you feel any better. And THAT, my friend is what you need. To make YOU feel better. I'll throw out some of the mistakes I made early on that didn't make me feel better.
Catering to the ex, even through the divorce. Getting into a new relationship waaaaay too early (that one ended quickly). Thinking too little about what I need and want for myself.
We all came here initially to save our marriages. The best thing any of us can come away from here with, married or not, is saving ourselves.
So, my suggestion is really take a long hard look at what it takes to let some of that anger go. Yup, you were betrayed. Join the club. We've got jackets, as Shrek said. Holding resentment and anger and all that for events that are past is giving control over your emotions to the people who did this to you. Is that what you want?
That's just my $.02.
And welcome over to the Surviving forum. This is a great, great, great group of people who can teach everyone a lot about life.
I know that feeling of, I can't believe I am here.
You will feel that for some time, and it may resurface every now and again, when you least expect it.
The pain of getting cheated on, is not easy. The pain of divrce isn't either. You will be ok. It just takes time.
Quote:
I still miss her sometimes. Others I'm mad as hell at her. My former friend? I really, really want to see karma kick him in the crotch - and, while he's doubled over, in the face a couple of times. I've honestly thought that if he were to die in a car accident or get cancer, that it would actually please me. That worries me some, but high levels of betrayal are likely to bring out the nastier side of a person.
These are normal feelings, that you should process and feel and go through. I remember one day the X telling me, I just want to ram my car into a tree. I responded with please, stop teasing me and just do it already.
I also have also had the fantasy of running him over or setting him on fire and having the OW watch.
I just have to repent for my sinful fantasies, and know that I am good deep down inside. As are you.
It hurts some days more than others. You will smile again, and laugh again. You will receive and give hugs like you used to.
You will wake one morning and go about your business and at the end of the day, you will say to yourself. Holy crap, I have not thought about her or this D till right now. Then go reward yourself with something great like shoes.
Detaching. It saves us every time.
Nice to meet you.
Do you have that Fargo accent?
I will have a chilled Mimosa with low acid orange juice. I just can't partay like I used to and have the regular orange juice jeepers.
Lissett
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
hey there, I've been on this forum barely 2mths, and still I got my days of "is this happening?, really happening?" I too had only one real R, so did my stbx, so it is a specially bitter drink to swallow, since I never got dumped or dumped anyone.
Quote:
There's someone out there who looks like her and has her same name, but the good person she was is gone - dead
This is the only way I've been able to cope with my loss, for the man I married 10yrs ago would've never EVER cheated on me and betrayed me the way stbx did. Detaching the good woman from the person your xw has become will help you keep some sanity. I cherish the good times, well, save them in the back of my head, I did have a good and happy R with him at some point. The husk stbx is now, the lying excuse of a man he is now I do not want.
There will be times when the whole cycle will hit you (the stages of grief, all over again) but they will be less damaging. For now, that's all you can do, damage control, it's ok to be angry and hurt, it's natural and you have all the right to feel this way. But do give it a time, dont' let it engulf you nor consume you.
Welcome to the healing board.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Some late-night, somewhat tired ramblings. But it feels good to get these thoughts out. Cathardic. Please forgive typos. 1) tired, 2) they messed up my new prescription a bit - too strong in one eye so things are a bit blurry at screen-distance.
It's been a bit since I"ve checked in on this forum, since I have several things going on in my life. i've been seeng a wonderful girl for a few weeks now. She was someone who I met as a friend, and we became more than that. My relationship with this new girl makes me happy.
She is well aware of all of the stuff that happened to me (qquite the story, mind you) in my marriage ending. So no secrets there.
I really like her. She's a beautiful, wonderful woman, whose personality really clicks with mine (and, oh man did I ever miss sex. Nine months without? Yikes. hehehe).
Thing is, I still occasionally find myself missing my ex-wife. Not really in a "I wish I had her back" way, but in a "I lost something, and it still hurts a bit" way. It may be too early for me to be dating, but it feels good. and I don't think that this new person will fix all of my problems, but it has been nine months since my wife and I separated. It's been about six since I realized that the marriage was not worth saving.
I think what I really miss is that it felt like I was doing what I wanted in life. I had a wife, was gearing up to go back to grad school, and had things on track. Kids were in the future, and I thought this was the woman who I would be with for the rest of my life.
...then things went south over the course of a year or so. I had my problems, but the more I look at how th ings have been presented, the more I realize that she was (*conciously or not) pushing me into a corner.
I'm trying to deal with these feelings in a way. I know I will never have her back. I don't want the person she is now back. I miss the person I loved. And I loved her a great, great deal.
It's confusing.
Maybe it's because I'm only 26, and my divorce was the first real "breakup" I've had (other was dating a girl for a month and then breaking up. Started dating my ex shortly there-after). I haven't really expereinced the gauntlet of breakup emotions until now.
...I also likely have to resign myself to the fact that a part of me will probably always love my ex, won't it?
I don't know whether you'll love her always or not. I know that is not something I have for my ex. Aside from the fact that we had a kid together, she's really no one to me anymore. And that was something I never thought I'd be saying.
But I did lose the dreams with her. And that part is still there sometimes.
Better now. I'm sure that missing what I had will still pop up over time, since I loved my ex a great deal, but I'm also glad that I'm moving forward with my life.
As for the wonky glasses thing, they'll fix it for free of course, but since they're drill mount lenses they need to send them to their lab. So I snagged myself a pair of $130 glasses at one of those done-in-an-hour places. They're not the awesome lightweight ones from the other place, but they're a solid backup pair.
Of course, a nice ego boost from my new girlfriend: "You'd be hot in hornrims" hehe
Just posting here because...I needed a bit of an outlet.
I'm a bit depressed tonight.
Not so much about my ex, though she still drifts in here and there.
Partially thanks to the fact that we now work Wednesdays together. Thankfully not as in having to cooperate, but I see my ex-wife once a week. Bleh! It'd be rude to comment on weight gain, right? :P
Oh, oh! Here's a fun little thing.
The couple that was also sort of involved in this mess is getting a divorce. Not that I'm surprised by it, but I am a bit disgusted that they are holding a "Happy Un-Wedding Party"
I made a comment on her [social networking site] wall.
Quote:
Un-Wedding party?
...The complete lack of respect that you, B, and [my ex] seem to have for the concept of marriage (seeing as you three managed to completely sabotage two of them in the past year) continues to astound me.
Kudos, really, on completely screwing up two marriages. I don't think you people could make a bigger mockery of something that is supposed to be a heartfelt commitment if you tried
I've stayed quiet about things for a very long time to them, but the sheer nerve of just saying "Our Divorce is a Happy Thing", when for the past eight months she has been desperately trying to win her ex back? That's f***ed up.
*blink* okay, so that was a random aside.
anyway... yes. I'm making progress in my life.
And for some reason I feel better now than when I started writing this post.
.
