Searching for the truth..for me 5

[phbear316]

John

Goodness if I did not have these boards to vent, i would have had a nervous break down a year ago. I only once vented my anger at H, when he was going to a family wedding with ow, and staying for the weekend. I did that once and it has never happened again.

Well my h has built the great wall of china around his heart. I have said this for a while and he just keeps adding to it. He has told others he just wants to be with her, to start a new life with the woman he loves , her not me. He wanted a family well now he has an instant one, Kids who claim according to her "love him as much as she does" I have given it all to him, so much space, never stopped him from going out the door, but its not enough to keep him here.

He notices nothing, even if I came home with pink hair, he would not notice. And i have come to realize its ok, i don't really want to be with someone who does not even notice any new clothes, new haircut new things about me. Nope. I have taken over running the house, mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, making sure there is food in the house for him to have when ever he wants to. Nothing. I am tired of being upset, i am tired of being bitter. I am tired. Emotionally tired of this game. I don't want to play anymore, I want to fold my cards. You cannot make someone love you, I know I cannot make my h love me anymore.

His heart is dead to me. Its interesting there is a book besides my bed I have been reading in reguards to my mom's breast cancer therapy. He never asked. I know he saw it for he moved to to vacuum my room when i was gone last week. (guess he thought he was doing something nice for me, really not impressed, but) H kinda round about asked about how my dad was doing (my dad has hx of bladder ca) He just assumed it was about him. To this day, i have not told him my mothers diagnosis. You want to tell a friend who cares about you. He does not care about me. He is all wrapped up in her and his new family. That's why I was upset about mil, I feel first my mom, now my mil, diagnosed within months of each other.

Yes your right it ain't over yet, but the fat lady is walking on stage ready to start her sound check.

Hugs
bear