Wow, all my kids are asleep except for S16. We were supposed to watch some comedies together but he knows I need Mommy time badly especially since the baby is such a momma's boy right now.
I might actually get to post some more things. lol Oh man, but I am so tired. I really should get some sleep. It's just so rare for the house to be quiet and for me to have time where no one wants me.
The new C told me to make myself as unavailable to H as possible and that a little mystique can go a long way. I kept myself busy this weekend. Fortunately, it was a holiday weekend and there were lots of things to do. Lately, my inclination is to hibernate but I know that that is no life for the kids. Needing to keep things as "normal" as possible for them is what motivates me to go out and do things. Each day of the 3-day weekend included: water, other people and lots of food. Just can't beat that.
I haven't spoken to him but I did send him an email yesterday with some digital military scrapbook layouts that I've done of him over the years. I told him in the email how proud I was of him as a soldier and for the sacrifices he has made in his life and in his body in order to protect our freedoms, etc. I just made the whole email about positive things and encouragements and praise and validation, etc. I got no response but I wasn't expecting one.
It was hard at the cookout we went to yesterday because it was with our old neighbors. I had an awesome time and they are good friends but it was weird that he wasn't there. Like one friend said, you can't even use the deployment mindset because you know he's not just at school, he's "gone" in his heart, too. At one point while I was standing in the sun watching the kids play soccer and feeling the "warm fuzzies" from the sun and the glass of wine I was drinking, I kept getting this feeling that at any moment, he was going to walk up beside me, put his hand on the small of my back and kiss my temple like he usually does when we're at a party. I had to walk away and do something else because I almost started crying. And like last night, while I was falling asleep, I kept expecting the BR door to open, him to come in, crawl in bed with me and put his arms around me, kiss me and say, "goodnight, Honey", like he's done a thousand times. I actually had to get up out of bed and walk around to shake it off. Times like these are almost haunting. I'm beyond crying now. I just feel the tightness but the tears don't come much anymore. Weird. I'm having a hard time thinking about good times because it is too painful. I have hundreds and hundreds of scrapbook pages of just about every family happening you can imagine, even normal, everyday stuff. Those are so hard to look at. But I keep the albums out for the kids because they need them so badly right now.
I'm trying to make sure that any contact I have with him is positive and DEPOSITS units into his "love bank". He had made a comment when I had asked him a question (in a text msg) that he wasn't in the mood to fight. I told him that that wasn't my intent and sorry it came across that way and that my fighting days with him were a thing of the past. He probably took that as me moving on towards a life without him. But I meant that the "fights" weren't productive in the past and therefore weren't necessary.
In regard to the saying, "the best revenge is a life well lived", I am trying to make sure that wherever he has contact with my life, he sees someone who is positive, optimistic, hopeful, growing and overcoming. Specifically, since we're not talking right now, this "picture" is coming from my blog (where I post family pics and talk about what we do), my Myspace page or my online galleries (where I post my scrapbook layouts). I'm pretty sure he checks at least the first two. When he calls to talk to the kids (he's finally caught on to my boundary of calling on the house phone), I am pleasant when I answer but I don't chat with him at all. Then when it sounds like it is getting near the end of their conversations, I busy myself with something outside to avoid being handed the phone.
