Searching for the truth..for me 5

[phbear316]

Hi Jeanette and SG

Yes, it will be done, this week appointments will be made.

I found out he took her kids to an amusement park this weekend. As of tomorrow, my check will go into my account. I will put money back into the joint for household things.

And yes girls appointment will be made with attorney. my pop up timer is done.

Oh and Jeanette, the flamingo is in the mailbox........

bear

[LL44]

phbear, have been keeping up but not posting much.

Good job with the check and the atty. You had those things ready and in line for when you are ready. And now you are ready. H is very comfortable leading his life of 'all talk and no action'. Those comments (hearing H saying he was separated, seeing someone else now) hurt so much. I found out last fall H was telling people we were 'on the path to divorce' when that was absolutely false. But I have learned that is how HE felt, so he made it reality.

I am proud of you bear, sorry about the text-snooping. Its hard, because you feel the need to know, but it hurts so much. Sometimes, it gives us that little 'push of reality' that we need though.

Keep us posted.

[sgctxok]

mean, you must admit that was not db'ing advice

Yes, I must, and I do!

[sgctxok]

And I do believe bear isn't taking it on the chin anymore!

[phbear316]

SG

No, I am tired of taking the hits on the chin, and punches to the stomach.

I am tired of all this pain, I am so spent in trying to save something is not there.

On a different note, my mother in law just found out she has a malignant growth in her colon. I feel so lost, I said that i felt bad to H, and i was so sorry. The response I got was yea, well we all down here will deal with it. Again another hit, another sign I am not wanted or welcome to be there for her or even him. She is replacing me. In all ways, i'm sure he showed so much emotion to her about his mother.

This too I will deal with. I will be there for my mother in law. I just cannot shut off 17 years of emotions for her, cause he wants me too. Not going to happen. Even with him, its difficult to just forget all those years.

lwb, thanks for thanks for being proud of me. some days I need to hear that. Yes I have had these things, just did not have the strength to use them. Now is the time. I am scared. Very scared. But I know what has to be done, and its time. Yes to look at his phone was painful. Just another slap in the face. again and again and again. And i am sure there are more to come, that i am very sure about. To hear more and more of what people are saying what he has been telling others is painful too. But I believe there is more to come.

hugs to all
bear

[john210]

Bear,
I feel for you...yes your H is a pri@# and the OW is a who#@!!! I am sure that they both feel that they are doing nothing wrong. As far as you snooping is concerned, i know that it is not recommended but it is done and you should not regret it. let's face it you gathered some valuable information. It seems like you are determined and GO FOR IT GIRL! As far as what he has said, don't put too much weight on that. My W has said alot of things that she probably regrets today.
As far as your MIL is concerned, do what comes naturally. You are a good person and you should not let your H dictate what you feel you need to do as it pertains to his mom.
Stay strong and above all take good care of yourself in these difficult times. I just wish I could be more helpfull. H may some day realize what a P he has been and may even have a change of heart...it will be up to you to decide what to do if and when that happens. Until then, take care of the bear and surround yourself with people who love you.

[phbear316]

John

Thank you, and you are right, in their small world they think they are doing nothing wrong. I wonder what she thinks about me I wonder if he tells her its me who is not budging and refusing to give him a divorce. Little does she know, he is not moving on it. I am ready to let go. Does h regret anything he has said to me. Absolutely not. He said what he said for he feels is the truth in his mind as to why he left our marriage. Yes the information was valuable but also very painful. He used to say those things to me once. But that was a very long time ago.

Its funny how you can accuse someone of something they physically could not do, without looking in the mirror at yourself and realize just one ounce, you may be at fault also. I know this may sound silly, but i watched my favorite movie the other night the king and I, and it made me feel like as the story line goes, a woman can stand behind a man and truly love him. For behind every strong man is a stronger woman. I know I was that strong woman. H just refuses to see it, or better yet admit it.

You are being helpful very. I just don't see him having that change of heart. Too many things have been said, accusations made, I am unsure at this time if i can have a change of heart. But will never rule it out. I was very into my ipod this weekend and had listened to the fleetwood mac song silver springs and the one line i 100% is so true for me. "I know I could have loved you but you would not let me. I will follow you down to the sound of my voice will haunt you." " You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you" Some day my voice will haunt H's soul.

Maybe these two cheaters do deserve each other, for I have been thinking they both have cheated on their spouses with someone else. How true do you trust they can be to each other? Hummmm.

Thanks for letting me vent,
bear

[john210]

Bear,
Venting on these boards is so very important. better to vent here than with WAS...even if you come across as being angry (like I did).
Just one last thought as I was reading your post. I don't want to sound like the Kool Aid salesman...I strongly feel that WASs are totally closed and oblivious to anything we say or do (especially right after the bomb). It is during this time that it is very important to give them that space that they crave and work on ourselves. This is so very hard to do. Hopefully, the WAS will let down the big wall eventually and notice what they are leaving behind.
Like my buddy Woog used to say, it ain't over yet.

[phbear316]

John

Goodness if I did not have these boards to vent, i would have had a nervous break down a year ago. I only once vented my anger at H, when he was going to a family wedding with ow, and staying for the weekend. I did that once and it has never happened again.

Well my h has built the great wall of china around his heart. I have said this for a while and he just keeps adding to it. He has told others he just wants to be with her, to start a new life with the woman he loves , her not me. He wanted a family well now he has an instant one, Kids who claim according to her "love him as much as she does" I have given it all to him, so much space, never stopped him from going out the door, but its not enough to keep him here.

He notices nothing, even if I came home with pink hair, he would not notice. And i have come to realize its ok, i don't really want to be with someone who does not even notice any new clothes, new haircut new things about me. Nope. I have taken over running the house, mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, making sure there is food in the house for him to have when ever he wants to. Nothing. I am tired of being upset, i am tired of being bitter. I am tired. Emotionally tired of this game. I don't want to play anymore, I want to fold my cards. You cannot make someone love you, I know I cannot make my h love me anymore.

His heart is dead to me. Its interesting there is a book besides my bed I have been reading in reguards to my mom's breast cancer therapy. He never asked. I know he saw it for he moved to to vacuum my room when i was gone last week. (guess he thought he was doing something nice for me, really not impressed, but) H kinda round about asked about how my dad was doing (my dad has hx of bladder ca) He just assumed it was about him. To this day, i have not told him my mothers diagnosis. You want to tell a friend who cares about you. He does not care about me. He is all wrapped up in her and his new family. That's why I was upset about mil, I feel first my mom, now my mil, diagnosed within months of each other.

Yes your right it ain't over yet, but the fat lady is walking on stage ready to start her sound check.

Hugs
bear

[Jeanette1120]

bear,

This is no longer about HIM.

It is about you and what you need to do.

Yes, this is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting!!

Your not detached bear.....and yes, it's hard to detach with them in the house flaunting thier inabilities to be a man.

I promise you....when you gain control back of YOURSELF you will feel much better.

See the attorney. Know your options.

Knowledge is power, knowledge will set you free.

No more hits to the chin & stomach bear.

What you read on his phone....is no longer acceptable to you. Him taking HER kids to the park...is no longer acceptable to you.

None of his actions are acceptable to you. Got it?

He is abusing you mentally in the worst way. This is not acceptable.

Again, once you get your control back and show him how unacceptable this is.....his world will crumble around him thus causing chaos in his fantasy life.

Write down every possible question you can imagine to ask the attorney.

Do it.

It will be ok.

Hugs,

Jeanette