I'm sorry you're having a rough moment. I think coming home after having such a great time with your Mom and brother (never mind the awesome weather) so it's probably a bit of a contributor to your being down.
Keep posting here. Your BF will respond to you in his own time. Try to be patient (even though I know it's not easy).
And as for BF's birthday. I agree wholeheartedly with Lisa. You need to be his friend and therefore need to acknowledge it.
thank you SO much for visiting and for the ((hugs))). I am feeling much better now. I decided yesterday morning to do something different, so I took a break from cleaning out the childhood bedroom and spent the day practicing my cello instead. I got excited about the piece I'm going to be playing at the festival in New Jersey for the first two weeks of June. And I went for a run and did some yoga. And felt much, much better!!
Then this morning I got this in my email:
Transformer,
So are you coming for the XXXX festival next week [this 20 hour long concert that is this Saturday that I have performed in in the past]? I couldn't find YYYYY on the website [name of the Balinese music group I used to play with in Boston]... are you performing or just watching this time? Also, that David Byrne installation sounds crazy [the one I sent him a link to]. Will there be a concert? or is it an ongoing thing?
I finally got the bike from Peter [his friend who lives in NYC] last Saturday. It is a nice frame that has been simplified to a single speed road bike with great wheels, brakes, shoe clips, and lights, but the handle bars are kindof weird and the seat pole is too short (i think). I rode it in central park today; the weather was perfect but it was a little crowded. I had some near misses with people not paying attention (and a little girl on a pink bike). Still, it is nice to suddenly have a functioning bike for free!
Let me know when you are coming up to NYC. The weather is really nice now, perfect for walking around. I hope you are well and take care,
B
Let's discuss the positives: -he emailed me back -he asked me some questions -HE TOLD ME TO TELL HIM WHEN I WILL BE IN NYC -He didn't say he would be out of town -He *implied* (????) that he might want to walk around with me (????) -He did some online detective work speculating on why I would be in NYC -the "take care" at the end is new, better than no sign-off at all. -he got a bicycle from his friend, something he'd been planning to do for over a year, and went out and rode it, doing something new!
Um, what do I do now, guys? Do I email him back and answer his questions in a chatty way? Do I call him? Do I email him and then call him? How long do I wait? He didn't ask to see me yet, do I give him a couple more chances to ask me before I come out and ask to spend time with him? Also I am kind of frustrated by the email thing. It makes it easier to bring up scary subjects, but there is this huge delay. And no emotional context/tone of voice/whatever. blechhhhhhhhh!!!
He emailed, I'd be inclined to respond the same way. He was a little chatty, so I think you can be the same. Follow his lead. Answer his questions, and maybe go ahead and ask if he'd like to go for a walk while you ar there. I think he opened the door for that.
I love that you call me "my lovely"!! Thank you for taking so much loving time to post to me so thouroughly and thoughtfully!!
I took your advice and stopped checking my email and got busy instead.
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Originally Posted By: transformer I mean I told him 'early june'
were you jokey when you said it, T? Or was there a message there, or an associated expectation?
I was said I'd try to check out that exhibit when I'd be in NYC in early June... no message or associated expecation except that I hope he'd express interest in seeing me.
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Maybe he's in his cave, thinking......
Thank you for pointing this out, it was very reassuring to be reminded of this option. esp b/c I was in MY GirlCave for a week myself inbetween emails.
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What gift? The book? I vote 'No' to gift giving at this stage!
NO gift giving. Duly noted.
You *always* find really good cards for your H! Subtly naughty! Maybe we could ask you to select the cards for the "subtly naughty" section of the DB card store???
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The point is to show that you would like to be his friend, and that you remember important dates. So, a text, or an e-mail, or an e-card. One thing I think about your sitch, T, is that you have been very good at withdrawing/going dark. If you go dark now, you will protect your own feelings because you won't be thinking about contact, but if the goal is to re-establish your friendship with B, I think sending a reminder of you to him on his borthday (in the form of a brief text/e-mail) is a good thing. And NOT pursuing at all.
Thank you so much for pointing this out!!! It is really hard for me to understand what is permissable non-pursuing contact. I am seeing everything in black and white. NC=non-pursuing. C intiated by me=pursuing. I need to understand the gray area so I can be more comfortable with it!!!
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BTW, were you ever the pursuer in your R with B? I might not be rememering right, but if you weren't, would remembering him and maintaining a little open contact be a 180? I know the prevailing wisdom here is that there should be no pursuit, but I do think this is in cases where people have already been in pursuit.
At the beginning of our R, it was kind of mutual pursuit, or we took turns pursuing. Like he approached me and introduced himself, then he came over to me again & asked to sit by me, then he said he'd like to talk to me again sometime, I offered him my phone number, and when he didn't call after a week, I called and asked him out. Then I think we took turns... You're right, at this point a little open contact would be a total 180 after allt he NC.
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Sorry!! Do you think you're avoiding the source of stress? And why is meeting him a source of stress? Aren't yu looking orward to the possibility as an opportunity to show you cool and great you are? I get the feeling that maybe you have some expectations about the meeting, T.
I am really scared!!! I am nervous that I will f&^% up and he will say, "I never want to see you again". Or that he will think to himself, "God, good thing it's over with her, she sucks." On the other hand I am scared he will drop down on one knee and say, "I made a terrible mistake. Let's get married!" Or somethign like that. You are right, I am thinking of it as a make-or-break situation.
One Day Lisa, thank you so much... you were not too harsh with me at all. I am going to print this out and highlight and re-read.
One more question... at the end of the week I am going up to a music festival in New Jersey for two weeks. There will be people there who are B's colleagues/friends from his graduate school. Not his closest friends but in his circle of friends and his professional network. Is there anything I need to prepare myself for? I don't even know if they know about the breakup but anything I said/did in front of them could make its way back to him very easily.
