He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

Hi Kris

A for asking him to move, I really feel like I'm asking for me and the girls. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I hope it strikes a cord, or that the actual separation makes him see some things, but no, I definitely would not be bluffing. I desperately want him to stay, but not in this current state. If we were actively working towards something together, I'd endure it, but it's too painful to just coexist together, with the big D hanging overhead daily. And I NEED to get back to real life, and I feel like my whole life just totally stalled this last 6 weeks, and it's not good.

As for the affair thing. I truly do not think so. He's hurting me incredibly, but I still think he's got a lot of integrity and I've seen no signs. No unexplained absences, no weird phone calls (and yes I'm ashamed to admit I have snooped on his cell phone out of desperation looking for "the truth" ). And of course I have directly asked him. I could eat all these words in the future and feel even more like a fool, but I truly do not think he is having an affair.

For GAL things, I know that I've lost 20 lbs in the last weeks (just do to stress) and has lost 12 prior to that when I was trying to lose weight, so I'd like to really keep that going and now work on toning etc. My H is a major athlete and has worked out daily for our 12 years. I on the other hand have always been more a homebody. I'm a crafter, gardener, scrapbooker etc...... But I'd like to now get in "fighting" shape. LOL. So I'm hoping to start working out. I'd like to get back to my scrapbooking (haven't done anything in ages), already have planted my veggie garden and my girls LOVE doing that all summer with me.
I plan to find another counselor too. The one I was going to jut wasn't doing it for me. She was one of those "listener" types that just repeats back everything you say with little blurbs like "oh, that must be hard" and " how does that make you feel?" thrown in. Not my cup o tea.

So I have had 2 new counselors recommended to me that are more "matter of fact" down to business types, so I'm hoping to pick that back up too.

I need to make a bigger list but that's it off the top of my head for now.

Chris

[klm]

I was just asking about the separation because if you ask him to leave....you have to be prepared that he will do just that. I initially asked H to leave and he left for a couple of days (stayed at a hotel), then came back because he had nowhere to go. He was home for about a week and then left for good. I was asking...ok begging...him to stay that time. (found somewhere to stay, he and OW rented a house together!)

When he was gone and I got over the initial shock, it was so much better. I simply could not detached. If he wasn't home, I was out looking for him...wow, I have come a long way. When he left I was finally able to let go.

Enough about me, my point is, we have all been there and it does get better.

Your GAL list is great!! Exercising can help you take out some of the frustration and also help you sleep so I highly recommend that. The garden and scrapbooking sounds like fun. Staying busy keeps your mind off of things a little.

Good luck tonight.

[klm]

Chris, just wondering how you are doing and if you asked H to leave last night.

I hope you are doing ok.

[7 Year Itch]

Chris, just wondering how you are doing and if you asked H to leave last night.

I hope you are doing ok.

I did, althought it ended up being during the day. We were on the phone and he mentioned wanting to talk that night, and I said well I have a letter for you but I was just going to print it out and give it to you tonight. But then he said I could send it to him at work, so I did. He ended up calling me and we talked about it for about an hour. Then we talked more for a couple hours last night.

And basically the place he had lined up where he thought he'd go if we hit this time fell through. So now he has to figure something else out. I suggested that we make an agreement not to talk about Divorce or Reconcilliation and let things chill a bit. To just each work on making ourselves happy, and just viewing each other as co parents and back up for each other to be able to get out, for him to work his overtime etc. With his job, it's a very hectic schedule and he's oncall 24/7. The logistics of actually seeing the girls I think sort of hit him. I think he had thought it through, but perhaps it became more "real" to him yesterday. He does adore our girls and is a great Daddy, so I'm just prayerful that if we can truly stay out of each others ways over the next few weeks and I can do some GAL stuff and 180's perhaps he'll notice. I feel like everything is futile, but I'm still going to try. Our talk last night was actually pretty nice. Not overly emotional, and productive.

The ONLY thing that sucked and that I'm unhappy with is he is still intent on filing soon. Although he did say that he could stop it at any point along the way. I simply pointed out (and not emotionally I'm proud to say) that I sort of feel that once you start the process it can take on a life of it's own, and I feel like it would be harder to stop. To which he said "believe me if I feel anything hope or anything along the way, I'm not going to be stubborn and just keep going with it". Still wish he'd give our situation time before feeling like he has to file, but he feels like it's a step HE needs to take to feel like HE is making progress. So I'm trying to respect it and pray that the DBing works in the meantime.

I hate that our state is so easy. No required counseling, only 90 days from filing to final. I think it doesn't honor marriage at all.

Anyway. So my first GAL thing is this weekend. On Saturday I made a spa appt. and I'm getting my brows waxed and a haircut. I've been growing my hair out for months (luckily I know my DH loves long hair and has been happy I was doing this), but it's just been growing and doesn't have a real style right now.

So I'm going in Saturday and asking my stylist to "sexify" me. LOL. Hoping I'll wow him (even though I know he'll show nothing) when I come in the door Sat. afternoon.

He's working and off duty DUI job Thursday night ,so I think I'm going to plan something with the girls. Dinner out with friends or something, just to get out.

Oh, I can't remember if I mentioned that he is still going to our once "couples" counselor (who I personally think did more damage to us than good) on his own. Well, she recommended a book to him. I was skeptical, because I didn't like the others, but last night he offered it to me to read. And it actually looked pretty decent.

It's called Rebuilding After the Relationship Ends. I guess it's been around for years, but it is highly regarded I guess. Of course I immediately was like "nice, I'm reading books about saving our marriage, and he's reading divorce recovery books" but I actually was getting a lot out of it just on the first few chapters I read. So I might actually go pick up a copy. And the nice thing, it actually had a couple chapters in about reconciliation and "healing separations" etc. So it didn't seem to be all "divorce it great" in it's tone at all.

Anyway, thought I'd put that out there for anyone who might be interested in taking a peek.

Thanks for checking on me Kris. I'm hoping to get out of my Pity state here soon, so I can start being a good online buddy and checking on those of you so kind to pop in here for me.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Chris, just wondering how you are doing and if you asked H to leave last night.

I hope you are doing ok.

I did, although it ended up being during the day. We were on the phone and he mentioned wanting to talk that night, and I said well I have a letter for you but I was just going to print it out and give it to you tonight. But then he said I could send it to him at work, so I did. He ended up calling me and we talked about it for about an hour. Then we talked more for a couple hours last night.

And basically the place he had lined up where he thought he'd go if we hit this time fell through. So now he has to figure something else out. I suggested that we make an agreement not to talk about Divorce or Reconcilliation and let things chill a bit. To just each work on making ourselves happy, and just viewing each other as co parents and back up for each other to be able to get out, for him to work his overtime etc. With his job, it's a very hectic schedule and he's oncall 24/7. The logistics of actually seeing the girls I think sort of hit him. I think he had thought it through, but perhaps it became more "real" to him yesterday. He does adore our girls and is a great Daddy, so I'm just prayerful that if we can truly stay out of each others ways over the next few weeks and I can do some GAL stuff and 180's perhaps he'll notice. I feel like everything is futile, but I'm still going to try. Our talk last night was actually pretty nice. Not overly emotional, and productive.

The ONLY thing that sucked and that I'm unhappy with is he is still intent on filing soon. Although he did say that he could stop it at any point along the way. I simply pointed out (and not emotionally I'm proud to say) that I sort of feel that once you start the process it can take on a life of it's own, and I feel like it would be harder to stop. To which he said "believe me if I feel anything hope or anything along the way, I'm not going to be stubborn and just keep going with it". Still wish he'd give our situation time before feeling like he has to file, but he feels like it's a step HE needs to take to feel like HE is making progress. So I'm trying to respect it and pray that the DBing works in the meantime.

I hate that our state is so easy. No required counseling, only 90 days from filing to final. I think it doesn't honor marriage at all.

Anyway. So my first GAL thing is this weekend. On Saturday I made a spa appt. and I'm getting my brows waxed and a haircut. I've been growing my hair out for months (luckily I know my DH loves long hair and has been happy I was doing this), but it's just been growing and doesn't have a real style right now.

So I'm going in Saturday and asking my stylist to "sexify" me. LOL. Hoping I'll wow him (even though I know he'll show nothing) when I come in the door Sat. afternoon.

He's working and off duty DUI job Thursday night ,so I think I'm going to plan something with the girls. Dinner out with friends or something, just to get out.

Oh, I can't remember if I mentioned that he is still going to our once "couples" counselor (who I personally think did more damage to us than good) on his own. Well, she recommended a book to him. I was skeptical, because I didn't like the others, but last night he offered it to me to read. And it actually looked pretty decent.

It's called Rebuilding After the Relationship Ends. I guess it's been around for years, but it is highly regarded I guess. Of course I immediately was like "nice, I'm reading books about saving our marriage, and he's reading divorce recovery books" but I actually was getting a lot out of it just on the first few chapters I read. So I might actually go pick up a copy. And the nice thing, it actually had a couple chapters in about reconciliation and "healing separations" etc. So it didn't seem to be all "divorce it great" in it's tone at all.

Anyway, thought I'd put that out there for anyone who might be interested in taking a peek.

Thanks for checking on me Kris. I'm hoping to get out of my Pity state here soon, so I can start being a good online buddy and checking on those of you so kind to pop in here for me.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Chris, just wondering how you are doing and if you asked H to leave last night.

I hope you are doing ok.

I did, although it ended up being during the day. We were on the phone and he mentioned wanting to talk that night, and I said well I have a letter for you but I was just going to print it out and give it to you tonight. But then he said I could send it to him at work, so I did. He ended up calling me and we talked about it for about an hour. Then we talked more for a couple hours last night.

And basically the place he had lined up where he thought he'd go if we hit this time fell through. So now he has to figure something else out. I suggested that we make an agreement not to talk about Divorce or Reconcilliation and let things chill a bit. To just each work on making ourselves happy, and just viewing each other as co parents and back up for each other to be able to get out, for him to work his overtime etc. With his job, it's a very hectic schedule and he's oncall 24/7. The logistics of actually seeing the girls I think sort of hit him. I think he had thought it through, but perhaps it became more "real" to him yesterday. He does adore our girls and is a great Daddy, so I'm just prayerful that if we can truly stay out of each others ways over the next few weeks and I can do some GAL stuff and 180's perhaps he'll notice. I feel like everything is futile, but I'm still going to try. Our talk last night was actually pretty nice. Not overly emotional, and productive.

The ONLY thing that sucked and that I'm unhappy with is he is still intent on filing soon. Although he did say that he could stop it at any point along the way. I simply pointed out (and not emotionally I'm proud to say) that I sort of feel that once you start the process it can take on a life of it's own, and I feel like it would be harder to stop. To which he said "believe me if I feel anything hope or anything along the way, I'm not going to be stubborn and just keep going with it". Still wish he'd give our situation time before feeling like he has to file, but he feels like it's a step HE needs to take to feel like HE is making progress. So I'm trying to respect it and pray that the DBing works in the meantime.

I hate that our state is so easy. No required counseling, only 90 days from filing to final. I think it doesn't honor marriage at all.

Anyway. So my first GAL thing is this weekend. On Saturday I made a spa appt. and I'm getting my brows waxed and a haircut. I've been growing my hair out for months (luckily I know my DH loves long hair and has been happy I was doing this), but it's just been growing and doesn't have a real style right now.

So I'm going in Saturday and asking my stylist to "sexify" me. LOL. Hoping I'll wow him (even though I know he'll show nothing) when I come in the door Sat. afternoon.

He's working and off duty DUI job Thursday night ,so I think I'm going to plan something with the girls. Dinner out with friends or something, just to get out.

Oh, I can't remember if I mentioned that he is still going to our once "couples" counselor (who I personally think did more damage to us than good) on his own. Well, she recommended a book to him. I was skeptical, because I didn't like the others, but last night he offered it to me to read. And it actually looked pretty decent.

It's called Rebuilding After the Relationship Ends. I guess it's been around for years, but it is highly regarded I guess. Of course I immediately was like "nice, I'm reading books about saving our marriage, and he's reading divorce recovery books" but I actually was getting a lot out of it just on the first few chapters I read. So I might actually go pick up a copy. And the nice thing, it actually had a couple chapters in about reconciliation and "healing separations" etc. So it didn't seem to be all "divorce it great" in it's tone at all.

Anyway, thought I'd put that out there for anyone who might be interested in taking a peek.

Thanks for checking on me Kris. I'm hoping to get out of my Pity state here soon, so I can start being a good online buddy and checking on those of you so kind to pop in here for me.

Chris

[klm]

I think you sound really good.

I'm glad that the talk wasn't overly emotional and that it was productive. Maybe the separation will be good for both of you and he can see what life without you and your girls is like.

I think he had thought it through, but perhaps it became more "real" to him yesterday.

My H did file for D. We are now piecing (still living separately) and I asked him how he could have even filed. He said that whole time didn't even seem "real" to him, and it finally hit him when it was going to be final. We were in TX at the time and they only have a 60 waiting period. It is frustrating how easy it is to get a D.

Sounds like you have a good weekend planned. I am sure he will notice after you have been "sexified"! He may not say anything...but I bet he notices.

Hang in there, this is a long road. Patience has been the hardest part for me.

[girlfromipanema]

I think you sound really good.

I'm glad that the talk wasn't overly emotional and that it was productive. Maybe the separation will be good for both of you and he can see what life without you and your girls is like.

I agree. I know this has been horrible for you to go through, but you're on the right track with your GAL activities. It gets easier to detach over time. Don't expect perfection from yourself. Just do the best you can and stay strong for your baby girls.

Wishing you well.

[naya26]

7 Year Itch - I just read your sitch and there are so many similarities to how my W dropped the bomb on me and how I felt afterwards. The way you feel now reminds me vividly of how I felt a few months ago.

My sitch has changed slightly since my first days of discovering this wonderful forum. I have to admit DB'ing does creates changes...they may vary for people but it does bring about positive change.

Right now you are still angry. There's truth in your anger and you have every right to feel the way you do. However, you have to understand anger clouds your judgement and everything you do under a shroud of anger isn't going to represent the "best" you. It's likely you will do more harm than good if you act out of anger. You need to detach from your H...this is the quickiest way for you to let your anger run its course without adding more fuel to the fire.

Your husband sounds confused, just like my WAW did when she dropped the bomb on me. Don't believe anything he says and even less of what he does. He's not himself right now and may not be for quite some time. Keep in mind your H didn't just make up his mind with a knee-jerk decision. It most likely took months or years for his emotions and thoughts to evolve into the state they are currently in. Envision a huge emotional wall he's put up around him, which he built brick by brick. It took time for him to get to where he is now...and it will take time for each one of those bricks to crumble if that wall is going to come down.

He's threatened the big D...Ok, let him have that emotional bullet in the gun. He would have filed and set it in motion if his mind was 100% made up. He wouldn't have given you that book if he didn't still care about the M. I understand you are insulted that the book was more divorce-centric as opposed to marriage-saving, but you have to let it go. Look at it this way...he's likely grieving the death your of current M in his own way. He's trying to figure out how to move on. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean it's without you and your family. You will eventually discover you are not trying to restore your "old" marriage because that path eventually led you to where you are now...which is not a good place. DB'ing will teach you to focus on moving forward and we all hope that is towards a "new" marriage with your spouse. In a sense, that is what all of us are trying to do.

I can see it in your words that you feel violated, hurt, disposed, and wronged. I felt the same way and it fueled my resentment towards my W. I can see you feel like it was "easy" for your H to turn your life into something that was disposable. I can see that makes you angry. I've been there and I still struggle with that bundle of emotions. However, that resentment will only hamper your efforts to move forward. One of the most powerful statements I've read since I've been here is: "free yourself from the feeling of being wronged". I bet I said that a thousand times to myself before it settled in. I realized I was "hiding" behind my resentment and that wasn't allowing me to dedicated 110% of my heart, mind, and spirit to DB....and believe me, 110% is a requirement.

One more thing. You'll also realize DB'ing has almost doing to do with your H. It's all about you, which is 100% effective and what you need. Detach, do some 180s, and GAL. Keep your communication with your H brief, informal, and to the point. Do not get emotional, stop the letters, and focus on you. Keep an eye on your mental state and make sure you are not suffering from severe depression. Your rapid weight loss is an indicator of an unhealthy impact on your body from all this stress. Take good care of yourself because your mind cannot function well without your body, and right now you will need all your wits.

Would you be attracted to your H if he cried, begged, and pleaded all the time? Stop asking him questions about the M because he doesn't have the answers. You just push him farther away each time you bring it up. "If you wish to be loved; be lovable" it's almost as simple as that. You'll become a better person after you get through all of this...and YOU WILL get through this.

[7 Year Itch]

Your husband sounds confused, just like my WAW did when she dropped the bomb on me. Don't believe anything he says and even less of what he does. He's not himself right now and may not be for quite some time. Keep in mind your H didn't just make up his mind with a knee-jerk decision. It most likely took months or years for his emotions and thoughts to evolve into the state they are currently in. Envision a huge emotional wall he's put up around him, which he built brick by brick. It took time for him to get to where he is now...and it will take time for each one of those bricks to crumble if that wall is going to come down.

This is so true, and what I'm really trying to focus on. I just wish he could put himself in my shoes for a minute too. I mean 6 weeks ago I thought we were in a "rough" patch, but nothing divorce worthy. I know for him this road as felt long so he's ready to move forward, but I'm still here going "Whoa, what just happened?". I get jealous when I read other posters who live in states that require counseling, or require a year seperation first etc. I really really feel that with DBing, and time this could turn around. But I feel SO rushed, like beat the clock time.

Well, you all would proud of me. I finally had one full day of LRT! Whew. Baby steps right. We actually had a few contacts yesterday because we each had a few things come up that we had to check with each others schedules for, but NO talk of us at all. None. I think in the last 6 weeks that is the first day of that. And it actually felt good. We had a nice dinner, then I told him that I'd like to get some work done if he was ok with that. He was, so I went in my room on the computer and got back to designing for the first time in 6 weeks. That also felt good. And I somehow have a lot of creative energy flowing right now, so it was productive. He came in to the room to get his work clothes set up. Everynight he comes in, gets his clothes and takes them downstairs (where he's sleeping right now). He had all weekend last weekend to himself with me being out of town, and tomorrow night and Sunday afternoon he has to work two events, so I told him that I'd like Saturday for myself if he was ok with it. He said yeah. So I'm going to get my haircut and brows waxed on Sat. Then I'm going to come home so he can see my "smokin'" self, then I'm going to gussy up just to make him wonder, then head out for the night. As of now I can't find anyone to do anything with, but he doesn't have to know that right. I'll just look dang good going to a movie by myself if need be! Ha ha.

Lost two more pounds. Can't quite figure it out. I am getting back to eating. Still not a ton, but I am eating now. Not going to question it though. I'm now only 2 pounds away from where I was when we first started dating, so at least he can't hold the "weight" thing over my head (which honestly, he'd be a schmuck if he did that anyway). But while everything around me is crumbling and I've lost confidence in lots, the one things I'm gaining confidence in is my looks right now. Guess I'll need that heading back into the dating world eh? Bad joke.

Obviously I'd much rather look great for HIM. Praying he gets a clue.

Hey question for you all. Have any of your talked to your In Laws through this? I have a couple of times, but not for a few weeks. Trying to decide if I should again during the LRT. I know they will discuss it with him, so that's why I'm not sure. I really love my inlaws, and miss them. I know they are praying for a miracle too, but still love and support their son.

Is it ok for me to contact them?

Chris