NikB #26 (tentatively moving to Piecing, again)

[NikB]

Thanks all!!

Been extremely busy with work and H's racing recently, so haven't had a lot of time to post. It's definitely good that I'm too busy to be here all the time. We had a fun weekend of racing (for the most part) and H did great, so that was cool. Lonnnnng drive though - this was our furthest race yet.

Had an odd and pretty upsetting day on Saturday. If anyone's not interested in the racing stuff skip this part - I'll put a line before the rest.

So.. there was a really awful wreck in one of the "training" groups. A bit of background - these are the groups H worked his way through to get his license. I am consistently amazed that they're allowed to even do this. In the "school" portion you are allowed to run pretty much any car on the track. All that's required is a helmet and a seatbelt (and a rollbar if it's a convertible). No roll cage, harness, neck restraint, etc. They're not actually "racing" they're learning the tracks, and they're encouraged to work their way up to speed slowly as they get better... but by the time they get to groups 3 and 4, they are driving as fast as the racers, without the safety equipment. Many people take their regular day to day cars out there. Once H got that fast he opted to put in a roll cage and all the safety stuff (whew!) but it's not required.

The track we were at this weekend is the fastest one yet. Usually there are so many turns they're going fast but never full speed. At this track H was getting up to 120 MPH before braking for a fairly tight turn. There was a guy running his Mini Cooper. He came off that fast section, made a mistake, and his car flipped end over end 4 times. OMG. I didn't see the wreck but saw the aftermath. When I saw the dirt I was frantically trying to figure out what group was out there - I wanted SOOO badly to know it was a race car and not a street car. When I realized it was group 3 I started to tear up a bit.

At first everyone was just going "wow that had to be a wild ride" - so often there are crazy wrecks but there's so much safety equipment it's just not that big of a deal. But as we heard more and realized more, it got pretty somber. They got on the intercom and paged the track doctor to "turn 9 - IMMEDIATELY" and called out the chaplain. H saw a girl walking through the pit area carrying a helmet and crying. Not just a few tears - she was crying hard. Then they called "friends and family of [guy's name] to the main office."

Everyone was speculating about what was going on. The car was so mangled and pretty far away, it was hard to see much (and they intentionally block as much as they can with the ambulance and safety trucks). When we finally figured out which car it was we realized that the guy would have only been wearing a helmet and a lap/shoulder belt. And his car hit on the passenger side first (before the end over end flips) - meaning the guy's neck probably snapped hard to the side. Seatbelts aren't made for that angle of impact. At that point H was standing much closer to me and putting his arm around me, rubbing my back a bit, etc. (and I was doing the same w/him). The helicopter came and landed, but they didn't take him right away. Finally what seemed like an eternity later (probably was actually 30 minutes or so) about 14 paramedics were SLOOWWWLY carrying a stretcher to the helicopter.

I tend to be someone who talks and won't shut up when something stressful/emotional is happening (can you tell? ). H on the other hand gets very, very quiet. I know my talking so much drives him a little nuts but I really needed to keep talking. He was so good about it, just listened and held me close to him. Even talked some, which is actually a 180 for him in a way. He said "at least they took him to the helicopter, they would take him in an ambulance if he didn't make it." True... although the helicopter is not good. We also talked about how they were obviously carrying him very carefully.

I haven't said ILY in a lonnng time and have been missing it a lot. I finally couldn't stand it and I hugged H tight and with tears in my eyes said "ILY and I can't imagine EVER watching you taken away from the track like this. I am so proud of how awesome you are doing - but please be careful. It's a race, it's not worth this." He didn't say ILY back but hugged me tight and said he knew that racing is dangerous and he thinks about safety first the entire time he's racing - he'd never take a stupid chance just to win. And thanked me for saying how awesome he's doing. I've been trying to figure out his LL (he "speaks" AOS but I'm not sure what he "hears" best). After that comment I tried out the WOA more all weekend and it seemed like I might have 'found' it.

The doctor came off the track and someone asked how the guy was - doc didn't say a word but kept walking, and he looked really shaken up. We went to the driver meeting after that (they meet to talk through rules, incidents and such). The director was running the meeting and had just come back from working on the driver. You could tell he was doing everything he could to keep from falling apart. He couldn't tell us much but said "clearly it ws serious, and I can confirm for you that he left the track alive." I was fighting tears the whole meeting and I don't think I was alone - even in a room full of mostly "tough guys." The meeting was all about safety - what mistake the guy likely made, why winning isn't the most important thing, etc.

WOW was it hard to watch H race after that. Although knowing he has SO much safety equipment really helps. Had a racecar had the exact same accident they probably would have taken the guy to the hospital to check him out and he'd probably be darn sore - but that's about it (in fact a racecar had a similar wreck on Sunday and that's exactly what happened). Back to H - I always help him get ready and I was extra careful to make sure his HANS (head and neck restraint) was clipped on right. He tightened his harness even more than normal too. Every race he gave me a kiss before he went out on the track - once when he forgot he took his helmet and stuff back off just to do that. It meant a lot.

That night we talked a lot about the incident in general - and what it meant to us. H said his worst nightmare was becoming quadraplegic and he hoped that wasn't the case for the guy. I said "Even if it meant more time with the people you love?" He said no - he would rather die doing something he loves and have the people who love him know that. But kept emphasizing how even though it's dangerous and he knows he could get hurt or worse, he is always conscious of safety. He was holding me tight through all of this conversation.

The next day we learned that the driver had multiple surgeries throughout the night and "they brought him back 4 times." OMG. As of Sunday he was still in critical care... not sure if we'll hear anything more. It didn't sound good. We also found out though that the driver was 75 years old. WOW. Although it's still awful - it's good knowing that at least it wasn't some 19 year old kid. We don't know the driver or circumstances of why he was out there at all - but everyone was speculating that this has probably been a lifelong dream for him and he finally got out there. It's been a dream of H's for a long time too and he commented on that, that he was so fortunate to get to pursue this dream now.

------------------------------
OK... enough race talk for now!

Obviously lots of positives in there, but things are still weird on the home front. I keep thinking it all "seems" good and "feels" positive... but (there's that damn "but" again) I just can't seem to CALM DOWN. I am extremely anxious all the time that things are going to turn bad again. On a scale of 1-10 my level of trust in H is at pretty much 0. I need to figure out what it would take to change that. I am actively looking for an IC again - I think I need to find someone solution-focused to help me work through my side of things (both on the R front and in general).

I really feel like it's time to have an R talk with H to find out where he's at for sure. We had a "mini" talk a month or so ago and I thought we were roughly on the same page, but I know from a little bit of snooping that he's still got 'something' going on with OW. I think it's just an inappropriate friendship that he doesn't feel is inappropriate, but haven't talked about it in a long time. I know for sure this has to stop for me to begin to trust him again. I just don't know when or how to bring it all up.

I am thinking about asking him to go to Retro in July (there's one locally). I can't decide if that or MC would be more valuable though. Maybe something to ask H about if he is in fact on the same page.

There are SO many positives (baby steps and not so baby!). Beyond all the race stuff, H is getting 4 days off work paid because of some remodeling they are doing - and decided to take a few vaca days to make it an 11 day vacation. He told me about it and asked if I wanted to take the same days off too. I have to check my work calendar but I'm hoping I can do it. I'd love to go on an actual vacation together and he's talked about it too, but we're pretty broke right now with the racing (I had no clue how expensive it was! but we have an agreement to not go into debt for it so... that works for me). Trying to think creatively about something we could do. I think we could both use a "relax and reconnect" type of getaway right now.

Whew... when I post an update I post a long one eh??

Hope everyone is well - I need to check in on all of you!