He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

Well, the trip was ok considering I was totally sick the whole time and came home yesterday and went to urgent care to find out I have cellulitis. Nice. Anyway, I had a massive headache and fever all weekend, but I pushed and made a nice weekend for the girls so it was nice. It was really hard to be there with my best friends and their husbands. I mean we were all in that house just a year ago. I slept in the same room we did last year. Sat in the same hottub we did just last year. It was all very surreal and sad.

And I'm an idiot. I know, shocker huh. Against EVERYTHING you all said, I left a letter. He said he did read it several times while I was gone, but it didn't do anything (of course).

So tonight is the night. I am asking him to move out. I'm so scared, and I keep crying when I think about it. But it's just so unfair to have to see him everyday and be reminded of him not loving me, and having to hear discussions of divorce constantly. I've lived 6 weeks of hell, and I just cannot do it anymore.

I'm hoping that this will be part of my LRT. I just wrote up a letter because I feel like I seem to communicate better in those than in person, because I have time to think and won't forget anything. So I just did up a letter to give him tonight. BAsically I told him I think he needs to move out this weekend. That I need to get back to getting myself strong for me and the girls, and that I deserve more than I have been getting. I'm trying to be all strong but inside I'm dying.

I'm so dreading have to discuss this with our girls though. My poor D6 is just going to be devestated. And I'm mad as hell that HE is doing this, and then will get to leave and I'll be the one back at home picking up the pieces of their little shattered lives. It's all so unfair. I honestly thought of my husband as one of the strongest people I have ever known. So strong physically, mentally, emotionally etc. And I'm really realizing through all of this that he is much weaker than I ever know. And I don't mean that as a "slight" but just even in ways we communicated. He was such a "retreater". He's put something out there once, and if you didn't get it right away, or didn't response like he thought, than it was over and never brought up again.

HE thinks he was so strong and trying so hard as he just sat and stewed. And I now realize what real weakness that was. It takes so much more to confront and to KEEP confronting when something is that important or means that much to you. He never has done that. And these things are really becoming much more obvious to me now. One of the things I have always loved most about him is his laid back "peacekeeper" personality. And now I realize that THAT trait had a ton to do with how we got here. OF course he takes no responsibility for that. Well, he says he does, but I guess our idea of "taking responsibility" is different.

In his mind he says those words "I take responsibility" and that's all he has to do. In my mind when you "take responsibility" then you say.... "ok, I realize I had a part in getting us here, so I now owe it to play a part in becoming part of the solution". But he doesn't see that at all.

I'm going to DB and LRT and pray for a miracle, but honestly I just don't see one coming. I'm going to try to get into the mindset of GAL and doing things for ME again. I'm still 100% devoted to this marriage and wishing that it will work out. But I just cannot sit in this limbo hell anymore.

Chris