Late in the Game-thread 6, maybe last in separated

[newnamenewlife]

CW, would he be willing to go to a couple of sessions with you to a MC, not necessarily to work on the M, but to address this ambivalence of his and so the two of you could figure out where things are right now? It must be ridiculously stressful for you to be given so many mixed messages--and it must confuse the kids, too, don't you think?

I guess I am projecting my own sitch on to yours a bit. I've reached the point where I just want H to decide: in or out, buddy. He says he is absolutely done with our R, but then he doesn't actually look for an apt or move to his parents house. It's so stressful.

[cw68]

He said he won't go to MC for any reason. I think Retro is slightly less frightening to him because it's finite and MC isn't.

But yes, mixed signals ALL THE TIME!

[Sara]

Yes, Retro is only 44 hours. And it is learning how to communicate with each other. It is not sifting through the past looking to blame people for what happened. It isn't a 3rd party sitting with you asking you questions. It is a quiet time with your thoughts. It is a meditative experience where you get in touch with your own hopes and dreams for your life in a positive way. And you talk about these hopes and dreams with your spouse, only your spouse.

[Sara]

And for 16 of those hours you are asleep and probably another 5 is for meals, and then there are the breaks. It goes by fast.

[JenInVen]

CW I hope your H goes to Retro. He seems to love you very much. Do you think he's afraid of what might happen if he does go?

Jen

[cw68]

Yes, I do think he's afraid of what might happen. I think he's afraid of the pain he'll have to feel, afraid that he might try and STILL we won't work out and I think he's afraid of actually opening himself up to another person. Being vulnerable, the whole shebang of what a good relationship is built upon.

I know he loves me, but I don't know if he loves me enough.

[MichelleLT]

Well, I hope he realizes soon that no matter if it's with you or in a new R, he will have to open himself up and take a chance.

I hope that he realizes that before it's too late.

(((cw)))

Is there a way you could take some of the pressure off about Retro? To let him feel more comfortable about going? I dunno, I know that's pretty vague and not terribly helpful lol.

[cw68]

I think pressure is exactly what he needs right now. It's been four months of no pressure and it hasn't gotten either of us anywhere. We are at a standstill in terms of our relationship.

I just got back from the L's office. I have all the stuff I need to get the papers ready and we've dated them for July 14, the Monday after Retro. If he doesn't go, I file. If he does go, then we just have to play it by ear. She agrees that the situation we have going is just letting him get used to D little by little and that it doesn't help our situation at all.

[Sara]

Sounds like a plan to me. Good work!

[MichelleLT]

Sounds good. (((cw)))