Going dark means you are busy or tired or something. You need to be the one to choose not to see her.
Just keep her being the one who is pursuing and by doing that you can't put her in charge of deciding when she will make time for you.
If she winds up saying no because she is tired, just say OK I understand and if she tries to make specific other plans, I suggest you do the above.
Wow, really? How many times do I lie and say I have things to do when I don't? In this case, we had tentative plans already to do dinner.
I just got back from driving 100 miles round trip to go to dinner with her because she asked me to see her place.
I think I acted great while I was there. I didn't really initiate the conversations, letting her talk for once. There were times when neither of us said anything (usually that bothered me in the past, but I was strangely OK with it). Didn't bring up the R, or any responsibilities, or schedules or anything. Just talked about "stuff." Oh, and she grabbed my arm while we were walking from the car into the restaurant and held my hand.
When we were done with the food, I drove her back to her place, btu didn't park, just pulled up near her door and let her out. She said "this is weird" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then, as she was getting out of the car, she said "this is surreal, it's like we're dating." Not sure if that is considered good or bad?
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
"How many times do I lie and say I have things to do when I don't?"
You don't lie; you GAL.
"In this case, we had tentative plans already to do dinner."
Yes but they are one-sided tentative. The reason they are tentative is because you are not GAL, you are waiting around with no plans until she decides whether she will see you or not.
Does that sound healthy in the context that she just left your marriage?
"I just got back from driving 100 miles round trip to go to dinner with her because she asked me to see her place."
She just LEFT YOU. And you're driving 100 miles to see her when she asks?
Perhaps you should get the opinion of a veteran on this, as I'm a newbie too. See what Tia thinks.
"She said "this is weird" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then, as she was getting out of the car, she said "this is surreal, it's like we're dating." Not sure if that is considered good or bad?"
Perhaps she wants to start over, like you are dating. Then you can have a second chance, to take things slow and to just allow the relationship to progress without letting control issues get in the way.
[quote=Tink] Yes but they are one-sided tentative. The reason they are tentative is because you are not GAL, you are waiting around with no plans until she decides whether she will see you or not.
Does that sound healthy in the context that she just left your marriage?
"I just got back from driving 100 miles round trip to go to dinner with her because she asked me to see her place."
She just LEFT YOU. And you're driving 100 miles to see her when she asks?
Perhaps you should get the opinion of a veteran on this, as I'm a newbie too. See what Tia thinks.
Quote:
I understand what you are saying here completely. Only reason I ask about whether this is the right thing is because we had talked about this days before. Although we did not plan a specific time, or place, we agreed that we would do something together. Am I still wrong for going?
And forgive me, but how do I get another member involved in this? Do I just invite them?
[quote] Perhaps she wants to start over, like you are dating. Then you can have a second chance, to take things slow and to just allow the relationship to progress without letting control issues get in the way.
It very much feels like that.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
Sorry, I messed up the formatting on the post and it wont let me edit. This is how I meant it to look:
Originally Posted By: Tink
Yes but they are one-sided tentative. The reason they are tentative is because you are not GAL, you are waiting around with no plans until she decides whether she will see you or not.
Does that sound healthy in the context that she just left your marriage?
"I just got back from driving 100 miles round trip to go to dinner with her because she asked me to see her place."
She just LEFT YOU. And you're driving 100 miles to see her when she asks?
Perhaps you should get the opinion of a veteran on this, as I'm a newbie too. See what Tia thinks.
I understand what you are saying here completely. Only reason I ask about whether this is the right thing is because we had talked about this days before. Although we did not plan a specific time, or place, we agreed that we would do something together. Am I still wrong for going?
And forgive me, but how do I get another member involved in this? Do I just invite them?
Quote:
Perhaps she wants to start over, like you are dating. Then you can have a second chance, to take things slow and to just allow the relationship to progress without letting control issues get in the way.
It very much feels like that.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
"I understand what you are saying here completely. Only reason I ask about whether this is the right thing is because we had talked about this days before. Although we did not plan a specific time, or place, we agreed that we would do something together. Am I still wrong for going?"
Hi,
It's kind of feeling like you feel like you need to be committed to the plans because it was agreed that it would be tentative on her side.
But is that healthy for you to stay committed on your end definitely for plans that she may or may not say yes to? It leaves you waiting around for her sign.
I tried to send a private message to Tia to see if she can stop by but apparently only administrators can send PMs?
But I did send her a post on a different thread she started. Perhaps you can try. I believe there are a few moderators...
It's kind of feeling like you feel like you need to be committed to the plans because it was agreed that it would be tentative on her side.
But is that healthy for you to stay committed on your end definitely for plans that she may or may not say yes to? It leaves you waiting around for her sign. Tink
I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess I perceived it as rude to break plans.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
So I'm not really sure if I should be in LRT or not. My W is out of the house, does that automatically mean I am LRTing?
Also....the next time she calls....should I not answer? This was a sore point from the vacation and I think not answering made her more upset than it did prove a point or anything.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
"My W is out of the house, does that automatically mean I am LRTing?"
No, of course not! Most people when their spouses move out do the opposite! They keep pursuing them, calling them, keeping their time completely open for them just in case the spouse will see them, sit around depressed, show the spouse how hurt and depressed they are, etc.
LRT is doing the opposite. Getting out, making a busy schedule for yourself, not calling, not being available, acting happy and busy around the spouse, etc.
"should I not answer? This was a sore point from the vacation and I think not answering made her more upset than it did prove a point or anything."
Well like I said before, I think it was a sore point because she is used to being the one being pursued and it did not bode well for her to be the one to feel vulnerable and possibly rejected. Hey, she's the one who left you home on vacation!
Right, don't answer the phone. Shut your cell off so you won't know when or if she's called.
And wait at least a couple of hours to return her call, if not the next day. And get out there and get busy!
No, of course not! Most people when their spouses move out do the opposite! They keep pursuing them, calling them, keeping their time completely open for them just in case the spouse will see them, sit around depressed, show the spouse how hurt and depressed they are, etc.
I meant to ask if LRTing is the best/most appropriate technique to use when the spouse has moved out? Meaning, by her moving out, does that automatically put me into "you should be using LRT" and not something else?
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
