LMG, I know that DBing says not to give ultimateums, but I think sometimes we HAVE to do it for our own mental health. IMO, after DBing for a while, you know what it is that you shouldn't do because it's just not productive (beggings, blah blah blah) but to each situation comes its own playbook. I'm at the point where I gave an ultimateum too. It felt right and if it "wasn't" then so be it.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I know how hard it is to live with them during this mess. As far as what you said to your D11, don't beat yourself up. It's really tough when they say things out of the blue. Mine (esp D13) still do. I tend to respond with questions back to them, like "How does the thought of that make you feel?" There are times when IMO you have to give them as much of an answer as you have so that they do learn to trust their instincts. Would your H be willing to sit down with you and the girls and tell them that you're having problems and trying to work them out? I know you think he's running and not trying to work out anything, but is that really true? Like Sir, I think the compliment was nice and if he can do that there might be something down deep.
I know how you feel about refusing to be the one to tell your D's. It took me quite awhile to come down from my H "owning" and taking responsibility for his mess to our D's to my current position. The bigger better question is what's best for them?
Would your H be willing to sit down with you and the girls and tell them that you're having problems and trying to work them out? I know you think he's running and not trying to work out anything, but is that really true? Like Sir, I think the compliment was nice and if he can do that there might be something down deep.
It was a nice compliment and I know H has positive feelings about me and knows I am a good "catch," for lack of a better term. He just thinks he can no longer love me the way I deserve to be loved and that he is unhappy in our M and therefore must go.
I've thought of telling D11 that Daddy is preoccupied and seems to need a lot of time to himself lately and that's probably why she's noticed that we're not as affectionate as we usually are. If she asks again, that's what I will say.
As far as trying to work on anything, do you mean our M, Grace? He has said in no uncertain terms that he wants out and that it's just a matter of getting our ducks in a row. We are seeing a mediator on Thursday for two hours (ughhh) to hammer out a separation agreement.
So it doesn't seem as if he is deciding whether to stay or go. He's already gone, just not physically and not openly to the kids. I just don't feel like I can go on for much longer in this as-if mode. If the kids were oblivious to what was going on, I could swing it.
Today I am meeting again with d11's psychologist, tomorrow my individual therapist and thursday the mediator. This !@#$%^ midlife crisis has become a full-time occupation. Hopefully, by the end of this week, we'll have a clearer approach.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
As far as trying to work on anything, do you mean our M, Grace? He has said in no uncertain terms that he wants out and that it's just a matter of getting our ducks in a row.
Yes, I mean your M. Like in your sitch my H has said in no uncertain terms he is "done". He has moved out and moved on, but not filed. Am I foolish for thinking I may still have the chance at a chance? Is it all just false hope? It doesn't matter if I am or it is (although I have to say I dont believe in false hope, only hope). Do you believe in coincidences? I don't, not really. How this applies to your situation is for you to evaluate. I may not have answers per se, but I do have alot more understanding since all of this began. At some point I believe you will too, if you choose to seek it out. It's hard and it really sux sometimes esp looking in a mirror through a magnifying glass. I'mgetting to a poing that my own opinions about me and my life are more valuable than those of others. I don't worry too much about looking foolish, but I don't talk about all I'm doing to much of anyone either. Some things are just private.
I know you have alot on your plate (probably juggling several plates for that matter). Remember to breathe and keep yourself and the kids in your good care. You can do this. You're stronger than you think.
Funny that you talk about looking at one's self in a mirror. Over the weekend, I talked to a friend on the phone and I told her that I felt so invisible around H that I had to look in the mirror to make sure I still existed!
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
