Ok,
I tried to log in last night but my Comp. was not cooperating. Thanks Saffie and Jak for checking in on me. As I said before I am in a fog / holding pattern / limbo / bi polar sitch right now. My mind and body are not connected. I feel like I am just along for the ride right now. I went to work Saturday morning all on “automatic”. Friday there was a chance of rain. (Yea it was 100 a week ago and now rain) I told W that I was going to be parking the jeep in the garage because I had the “bikini” top on and the rain would get in... I got home Saturday morning before the rain started .When I go home I TOLD W that I was going to take money our of my credit union to take son on our yearly week long “camping trip” in Eureka. She said fine. Then she added that she wants to sell my stock to pay off my Jeep that will save us $300.00 a month. I said that sound good to me. (Least my jeep will be paid off so I won’t lose it).W also told me that if she does not get a job soon her mom was going to give her an advance on her inheritance. SO then I went over to MIL house to work on her garage. (My soon to be car painting booth). Anyway she had a whole bunch of paint cans that were about Ľ full of paint. ALL WHITE. Now there was White primer, white semi gloss, and white indoor, white outdoor. I could not poor this stuff out so I mixed it all. I came out with White semi gloss indoor outdoor primer. I ended up with two full cans. Now what? Well I still had to get rid of it so I painted the inside of the garage.
Like I said I am not really thinking just doing. While painting W calls and said her and son were going to the town museum because they rebuilt the town clock and the insides were there to look at, it is also my towns 150 anniversary. She wanted to know if I wanted to go. I told her I was too dirty to clean up in time. (It closed in 1 hour) but thanks for calling and asking. When I hung up I thought….I was nice of her to ask… So I cleaned up really quick and was standing in front of the museum when she arrived We went inside and I was surprised to see a group picture of the P.D with me in it. After she and son went down town and I went back to painting. BUT….. Here is the problem. I don’t know why. I was not having a craving or anything. I WAS WRONG TO DO SO but on the way back to MIL house I bought a pack of Cigarettes. YES I fell off of the wagon... I did not really like them but …. I don’t really know why I did it…. They are all gone now and I have not had any today. Part if the problem and I am NOT trying to make excuses is that aside from everything else I mentioned I am numb. I found myself taking some pain pills just to feel something. After I got back MIL came out and was so happy. I went home and did not want to stay there so I told W I was going out. Passed a lot of police on the way to the bar. I decided it would not be a good night to stay out late. Got home and went to bed. Next morning got up early and went back to MIL house to work some more on garage. Will not bore ya with anymore details went to help uncle with some stuff also but that was about it.
Ok I made a mistake. I acknowledged it, and I am moving on. (By the way my truck smelled bad the next day)…

H

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see
I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think
I still was a mad man
I can hear the voices when I'm dreaming
(kansas)

And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know