Hi - I relate to you very much. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and have successfully battled it. However 3 years ago my h went into the 'overt' phase of MLC - Replay etc, BUT I feel that my cancer started the process because he became terrified of me abandoning him. Not consciously terrified, but at a much deeper level. I have emails from that period saying how he could not imagine life without me etc.
My therapist agrees that this was probably the initial trigger in my case. A life threatening illness is a strong trigger. The final thing for my h was him being seeriously ill [not life threateningly], and my mother dying.
As you know, if it is MLC it is a long process, all about him, and all you can do is be strong for your kids.
I am sure you feel absolutely horrible having come through this, to have your husband behaving in this way, but you have come to a safe and supportive place.
Here is a list of other books that you might find helpful - not my list, but from a reliable source! You dont have to read them all! Others may suggest other titles. I find reading about it helpful. Makes you realise it isn't an isolated phenomenon and that others have had to deal with the same issues.
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1. In Midlife by Murray Stein This is excellent and reviews stages which is why I think it is a good first book. It's also not too long--less than 200 pages I think. 2. Understanding The Mid-Life Crisis by Peter A. O'Connor Also not long, but may be over 200 pages 3. .Men In midlife Crisis by Jim Conway – an overtly Christian author. Probably the ‘standard’ work 4. The Middle Passage by James Hollis 118 pages--quite short! 5. The Seasons of a Man's Life by Daniel Levinson Longer--300+ pages? Also a more general study of several transitional phases. But excellent--the culmination of 10 years research, though the sample size was tiny.
6. I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real This isn't about MLC, but male depression. There are great books on dealing with a depressed person, but many of those may focus on classic (Overt/Deflationary) depression. Terrence Real does state (I think) that the only cure for Covert Depression is Overt Depression.
A person whose main goal is to avoid a crisis will always be on guard and will invite the crisis in an unrecognizable form. Crises are shape-shifters..
MLC is not mental disease. It is rather dis-ease. Schizophrenia, disease, can be inherited and the result may manifest in ways that are the same. A biological or chemical condition differs from dis-ease. MLC is mental and spiritual--though as with everything, it has biological components, but they are the components of midlife transition--standard aging; the crisis is the mental/spiritual fears and avoidances.
