Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Hope4us]

LIS, I've seen a thread on DB that discusses it, but it's been a while since I've seen it. Just an observation on my side, but it seems like on DB the general opinion is don't expose as it's controlling. I might be wrong, but that's what it seems like to me. I know the other site you're talking about and yes, it's strongly encouraged. I spend time there too. And have been working with one of the coaches from that site.

I know there are a number of us here that are strongly pro-exposure, me included. I guess I don't see it as controlling but rather as a way to bust up the affair. I feel like a marriage can survive anger, but not 3 people in it. If exposure doesn't break up the affair, then not exposing isn't going to break it up either, unless you can stand by and watch your spouse be with another person long enough for the affair to end. If you buy into the idea that a large number of affairs are addictive in nature, then exposure can be the piece that puts enough pressure on the affair to break that addiction. Exposure doesn't usually end the affair immediately, but by exposing it to the light of day, puts a jolt of reality into it which is many times the beginning of the end of the affair. Not always, and not always does the marriage make it if the affair ends with the assistance of exposure, but at least in my sitch, I feel like it's given our marriage the best chance at making it.

And like Puppy mentioned above, exposure throws a kink in the plans of the affairees to try to play the affair relationship off to the world as having nothing to do with the problems the marriage is having.

I'll have to look at your sitch again to give advise if you choose to go that way. It's really a personal choice. If you decide to do it, the OP's spouse (if they are married) can have the biggest impact. Kids, depending on their age can also have a huge effect. They did in my sitch. In-Laws and close friends of your spouse (if they are friends of the marriage) can also have a big effect. In-Laws can be a big help or not. Blood is thicker than water a lot of the time. If you do expose, it's not to hurt anyone. It's to shine the light of day upon a thing that survives best in the dark of night and by shining the light of day on it, show it for what it is and hasten it's end.

Maybe start a thread and ask the question if you want other's opinions.

The thing that's hard about all this is what works in one sitch might not work in another. It's really all about what you're comfortable with and what you think would give you the best chance of saving your marriage.