just have time for a quick note. If you are talking about dating, and when to start, etc. I have to say STOP now and don't even go there. I DO UNDERSTAND the need for companionship of the opposite sex. I really do.
But your kids are NOT ready for that, even if you are, which I doubt. That means it isn't fair to a new woman, to "use" her to tide you over in your transition into singlehood, IF that is what ends up happening. The "new woman" isn't in any position to know your pain level, that you are still very much attached to your wife and that the sep/div is NOT what you wanted and IS not what you want now. It isn't fair and besides, you already said your sons are having a lot of trouble as it is, adjusting.
The revenge factor has its' appeal, I know. But that doesn't mean your sons want to see you with another woman. They want to see you happy and they want to know that if a woman leaves them someday, life doesn't end. But you can show them that in so many other ways. DO take care of yourself and your appearance and MAYBE, maybe down the road begin dating when you think you are ready to be open to another woman. But here are two ideas, in case you feel so lonely or undesirable that you need "evidence" (ie another woman's interest in you) that you are in fact a good catch. First, take it soooo slow. No good relationship ends because the parties took things gradually and got to know each other, but tons of relationships ended b/c they rushed things or went too far too fast, etc.
Second, as my PRO-M counselor told me when discussing the dating issues vis-a-vis children, don't bring other people into your kids lives AT ALL, until you are "75%" sure this new person is going to be a big part of your life AND he also said your kids ought to have "reasonable veto power" which I took to mean the new man (woman in your case) would have to get along with my kids and once they got to know him, if they were not comfortable with him or if they seemed genuinely to dislike him, he'd be out the door. Bad enough your kids have to deal with their mother's departure, her apparent and utter disregard for their feelings (hoping that in time, "they'll be fine" and ya know, "resilient" and all.....blah blah blah) they ALSO have to deal with new men and are being told, in effect, to just deal with it. This also means that if and when you Do start dating, do not introduce your sons to the woman until well into the relationship, months into it. Why even tell them you are dating, until you KNOW they're going to have to meet her?
I can't tell you how sad I feel for my girlfriend's kids (I have told her once but to no avail) who meet a new man about every 6 months. At least twice in 4 years they've been told "X is going to be your new dad/step-dad" and then, "X" went away. Other times they get told that "Y is great. We love him.....oh wait, nope, we're just friends" or worse, "He's an ass----, good bye". I have no idea what this means to them but I do know my d10 is friends with the d11 and that little girl dresses like an 18 year old, flirting and obessing about what boy(s) like her, etc. She IS ELEVEN YEARS OLD...
Your sons need to know you are stable and there for them and that THEY are your priority, not your pain or your loneliness, but their emotional/physical welfare. In fact, weirdly enough, my other daughter, age 19 has a friend who played Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You" which I think refers to Clarkson's mother's self absorbed focus after the father left. It does say that all the mother thought of was HER pain, not her kids, and that the mother leaned on the kids too much, was too needy, etc. Listen to that song sometime if you want to know what NOT to do...
Your sons need a strong loving father. Period. That's all they need that You can provide. In time, lots of time, you'll show them that marriages are long term relationships not to be discarded lightly and that spouses are not easily replaced. You are the only one who can show them this and it has to contrast with what their mother is showing right now. Dating right now sort of contradicts all that you've been saying for months.
Plus, it is better for you to really be ready-- so IF and when you do date, no other woman will pay a price for your rushing into dating before your heart is ready for it. Doesn't mean you don't wear cologne or look good or do a little flirting now and then. Heck, we need the boosts to the ego as much as the others do. In fact, we need it more. Make sense? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
