Late in the Game-thread 6, maybe last in separated

[cw68]

Interesting day today. Last Saturday it was 102. Today it was a high of 61 and rainy. D's birthday was supposed to be outside with mini-golf, bumper boats and water wars. In the morning we switched it to a pajama/movie party at our house.

I didn't get to wake up with my kids, but they got to wake up with me. This morning before work I went over to the apartment and got to wake them up. Seeing their smiling faces when they realized it was me there was priceless. My heart soared!

I DBed like a champ today. There were a few times where the old CW would have brought a few things up, but I held firm and didn't say a word. I made an effort to be extra playful. The party was fun. At some point during the day my weekend plans came up and I said simply that I was going out of town. I did mention that I was going to Tahoe next weekend so he knew that wasn't it. (It snowed in Tahoe today, not sorry I missed it now!) I specifically walked away so he couldn't ask me any more about it. After the party, D and I went to the store to buy her Heelys as a gift from her father and I. When I came back, H was cooking dinner here. He had invited to me to dinner earlier and I was planning on eating at the apartment. I said, "Oh, you're making dinner here?" and he said, "Yes, is that a problem?" What was I supposed to say? "Um, yes, I have to clean up from the party and don't want to clean up from dinner? I was looking forward to you stepping up to this life you've chosen?" Dinner was nice. Afterwards I mentioned something about him cleaning up. A little waves, but nothing much. He cleaned up. (He's not a clean cook, so it really is a job.) Then he asked if I would like the kids to stay the night since he is spending the next two days with him. Yes, yes, yes!

My S was just a love bug today. Super cuddly. Loved it. When he was brushing his teeth I asked him if he had a good day and he said, "I had the best day of my life. I just love it when you and Dad are together." I didn't even look at my H or comment on it.

After the kids went to bed, H and I went down to the kitchen. First, he didn't take off right after they went down, which is the usual. Then he asked how the wine was that I opened the other day and poured himself a small glass to taste. (It wasn't very good the other day and sitting out since Thurs didn't improve it.) We chatted a bit. Old me would have asked if he wanted to stay for a movie, but I didn't. He started to leave, came over and hugged me for a long time, but no kiss. I didn't say or do a thing about it. We walked to the door, he found a couple of reasons not to leave immediately. I was standing on the stairs, not planning on hugging him again and I took the no kiss as a little sign. He walked over and hugged me for a very long time, kissed me, hugged me again and kissed me one more time. I simply said, "Thanks."

So, all in all, interesting day. I seriously can't tell where my H is leaning, but I'm just trying to keep on keeping on. Still haven't decided if I need to LRT or not. Tuesday I am meeting with a L and will draw up papers so I can have them ready to file should I feel I need to.

I'm tired! Eight girls wore me out.

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like a really good day.

And you pulling back from your H is definitely being noticed. I think you are doing pretty good NC other than the kids right now, and you're changes are making a difference!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[newnamenewlife]

It must be so confusing to have your H hug and kiss you but insist that he's done with the M. Obviously, he's very ambivalent. I want to say to him "oh, c'mon, what's the big deal? You've got the kids, just work on the M with CW and stop overthinking everything to death!"

My H goes out of his way NOT to give me mixed messages, which definitely works. The distance between us has grown enormous since we stopped being intimate and affectionate. It's awful. He is so totally checked out and in his own world, it's disturbing. He seems very depressed to me, but when I mention that I think he should see a therapist, he pooh-poohs it. He honestly believes that if he just leaves our M, he'll be fine.

Ah well. On it goes. You're doing so well, CW. I wish you lived near me so we could meet!

[cw68]

OK, a whole bunch to journal/share. Interesting weekend.

Saturday, D7's bday party. H asks if I want the kids to stay the night here, I said yes. He came in the morning.

Soooo....

We got into an R talk. I know, I know, we're not supposed to. I know that I'm not supposed to bring it up, but it wouldn't come up otherwise and I have an appt with an L tomorrow to draw up papers and I needed to see where we stood.

In a nutshell: H doesn't want to D. But, and it's a big but, he has been thinking about filing over the past month. He's just "not there" and right now isn't willing to do Retro or MC. He said "There's always a chance. Filing papers only means filing papers. People even get remarried after divorcing." (WTH?) I basically told him that something HAS to change, that I couldn't just keep doing what we're doing. I can't. I will lose my mind. I already feel that I've lost my marriage, I cannot risk losing my mind! I told him that pretty much everything since July has been all about him, that I needed some now. That it was my turn. That Retro is in July and I spelled out that I wanted him to act "as if" for the next month or so. It was time for him to give me a little, an open mind if you will. He was non-committal. Fine.

He planned on taking the kids to the A's/Red Sox game that afternoon. I was going into SF. As he was on the computer buying tickets, he asked if I wanted to come. I told him that it was up to him, that I couldn't play happy family anymore. He didn't have to invite me, and I was fine with that, but if he invited me that it meant something. It meant that he was going to put effort into us. He was so uncomfortable. But then he invited me. I asked him if he was sure and he was, but he wasn't completely convinced. There were a few times that I said, "Are you sure? You don't have to do this, it's your call. I'll go with whatever you choose." Yet he still bought the tickets. Then I mentioned that we all could stay in the city that night, but that we couldn't share a bed, that it would be him and son, me and daughter, that I wasn't thinking anything from it but that I had a hotel room, end of story. He said "No" but not because of that, more that he is a curmudgeon now and just doesn't want to deal with going into the city. No problem, I said.

We went to the game, enjoyed ourselves. Things were good between us, a little different, slightly strained, but not in a completely bad way. I had dropped my car off at a BART station off of the highway so I didn't have to deal with the car that night. As we were leaving the game, he asked where he was taking me. I replied, "To a BART station." Then he asked if he should just take me into the city, spend another $50 on dinner. Told him it was up to him, I was fine either way. Then he asked if I wanted to ask the kids if they wanted to stay with me. D wanted to, S didn't. So we went down to where the hotel was and as I checked in. We all went to dinner where as we were finishing another diner came up and said to H, "What a lovely family you all make. Your children are adorable. How I wish my kids were that age again. I wouldn't ever take it for granted." We walked back to the car, D and I went to the hotel. H and S went back to the house, not to H's apartment.

That night, D called to say goodnight to her brother and dad. I didn't get to say goodnight to H, so I texted him: "Hope today wasn't too painful for you. Thanks for inviting me and for giving our kds today. I hope they, and we, get more. D7's a crack-up. 7 going on 27." He quickly responded: "It was all good, not too painful. :)"

I wanted to acknowledge that he made a big effort and that I appreciated it.

This morning D called her Dad to say good morning. H and I spoke briefly. Then he sent me a text telling me that the was glad we were having a good time and to enjoy our day. D7 and I had a wonderful time. It was so nice to have another person with whom to wander the city. We had a yummy breakfast (D7 is a foodie already), walked Chinatown, tasted tea (where she amazed the tea man with her knowing the flavors of the tea, even though she's not much of a tea drinker, she likes coffee.) and did a whole bunch of fun things. She was like another adult to wander with and it made me miss the R I used to have with my H when we could do things like that.

I miss having a partner. I told H that on Sunday, but really felt it today. When we came back home, I started making dinner as D and I were hungry. I asked H if he was staying for dinner. He said he didn't know, so I started making dinner for three without any comment or reaction. (I honestly didn't care, I was hungry.) Halfway through prep, he said he'd stay and then he opened a bottle of wine that I got him for Christmas. Knowing that I was pushing a bit, because I wanted to see if he completely regretted inviting me to the A's game, when he reminded me that he's going to watch the kids for me tomorrow night while I'm at a meeting, I said then after maybe we could watch a movie. He said "Maybe." Not a no. I'll take it.

So I don't know. I'm going to draw up papers tomorrow. Hopefully I can just hold on to them to file and won't need to file tomorrow. He showed by actions this weekend that he's making some steps towards working on us even though he thinks it's too late. A little action is all I can ask for, even though I think he should be giving us more. Whether or not DBing says I should do this, I'm going to be lighting pushing for a little bit. And in my mind I have a real ultimateum: Retro/MC or bust. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

[cw68]

Holy moly. Right when I clicked "send" my horoscope was sent to me. Check this out:

Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 -- Although things should be looking up in your world today, you could make an assumption about someone else's intentions that creates a rather awkward situation. You may be overly optimistic in your assessment of how you could effectively work with others while they are a bit more cautious. Selling yourself is tricky now, for your tendency to say too much will probably send out warning signals. A low-key approach is most likely your best bet.

[cw68]

I need to set some goals for the near future.

1. To be very friendly with H.
2. To encourage family time. It's just good in general and H has specifically said that it's good for him.
3. Continue to give space and GAL.
4. Stand up for myself in a non-confrontational manner. Must be CW, but show that I'm the "new" CW. Still me, but improved. (this is as much for me as for anything)

[MichelleLT]

(((CW)))

There's no reason you have to file this week.

Don't worry about his words, let your words/actions sink in and see what his actions tell you.

He said "There's always a chance. Filing papers only means filing papers. People even get remarried after divorcing." (WTH?)

My H tried telling me the same thing. My reaction was also pretty much WTF. IMHO, if we go through the months and months it would take to actually D, that would be it. I think I looked at him like he's sprouted antennae or something lol. I still am not sure if he said it to judge my reaction or in the hopes that I would spout some reassurances that of course we could.

Sounds like you had a GREAT weekend though.

Have a good week.

[cw68]

I think H said it because he doesn't want to admit to himself that it's over. He said that he's not willing to go to Retro, but he knows that it's a condition of mine. It's like he's being an attorney and covering every base without having to really confront the issue head-on.

But, honestly, it's going to have to be confronted.

I don't know whether or not the weekend was great. I was the one who pushed him into "trying." We'll see if he can continue it or if it was just because I pushed him. As we all know, we can just make things happen, they have to want them to happen too. All the while, I am silently mourning the loss of my marriage and my R. I deserve more than I'm getting.

[Sara]

It sounds like you had a really great weekend. Your H is a difficult one to figure out. I take it there is not OW at this time. He just wants to remain uncommitted to the family thing. I love the comment by the man at the restaurant. It is nice to be part of a beautiful family. I'm confused by why he doesn't want it. But I know that you are too.

[cw68]

As far as I know, there's no OW. There was an EA last year but that ended in the fall after I found out about it. I know, I know, it may not have ended. But after sharing two homes with him for four months (Jan-May) I'm sure he wasn't having a PA with anyone and nothing points to an EA. End of summer last year, beginning of fall last year, yep. I really do believe him when he says there's nobody else. Honestly, I wish there was so I could blame this on them!

He just "doesn't want to be back in this relationship." That's what it boils down to. I can understand that he was really unhappy and that he wants something different. I validated him when he said that on Sunday and commented that that relationship was over, that I didn't want that either. I told him that I, too, had doubts as to whether or not we could get through this, that I wondered if too much had happened for us to overcome but that I believed that getting through this would just make us get to a much better place. This is where we have a fundamental difference in opinion. IMO, he doesn't believe this can happen. I don't think it's just us, but he just doesn't see this as an option. Of course, I do. I really think this is where everything hinges for us.