Late in the Game-thread 6, maybe last in separated

[cw68]

OK, a whole bunch to journal/share. Interesting weekend.

Saturday, D7's bday party. H asks if I want the kids to stay the night here, I said yes. He came in the morning.

Soooo....

We got into an R talk. I know, I know, we're not supposed to. I know that I'm not supposed to bring it up, but it wouldn't come up otherwise and I have an appt with an L tomorrow to draw up papers and I needed to see where we stood.

In a nutshell: H doesn't want to D. But, and it's a big but, he has been thinking about filing over the past month. He's just "not there" and right now isn't willing to do Retro or MC. He said "There's always a chance. Filing papers only means filing papers. People even get remarried after divorcing." (WTH?) I basically told him that something HAS to change, that I couldn't just keep doing what we're doing. I can't. I will lose my mind. I already feel that I've lost my marriage, I cannot risk losing my mind! I told him that pretty much everything since July has been all about him, that I needed some now. That it was my turn. That Retro is in July and I spelled out that I wanted him to act "as if" for the next month or so. It was time for him to give me a little, an open mind if you will. He was non-committal. Fine.

He planned on taking the kids to the A's/Red Sox game that afternoon. I was going into SF. As he was on the computer buying tickets, he asked if I wanted to come. I told him that it was up to him, that I couldn't play happy family anymore. He didn't have to invite me, and I was fine with that, but if he invited me that it meant something. It meant that he was going to put effort into us. He was so uncomfortable. But then he invited me. I asked him if he was sure and he was, but he wasn't completely convinced. There were a few times that I said, "Are you sure? You don't have to do this, it's your call. I'll go with whatever you choose." Yet he still bought the tickets. Then I mentioned that we all could stay in the city that night, but that we couldn't share a bed, that it would be him and son, me and daughter, that I wasn't thinking anything from it but that I had a hotel room, end of story. He said "No" but not because of that, more that he is a curmudgeon now and just doesn't want to deal with going into the city. No problem, I said.

We went to the game, enjoyed ourselves. Things were good between us, a little different, slightly strained, but not in a completely bad way. I had dropped my car off at a BART station off of the highway so I didn't have to deal with the car that night. As we were leaving the game, he asked where he was taking me. I replied, "To a BART station." Then he asked if he should just take me into the city, spend another $50 on dinner. Told him it was up to him, I was fine either way. Then he asked if I wanted to ask the kids if they wanted to stay with me. D wanted to, S didn't. So we went down to where the hotel was and as I checked in. We all went to dinner where as we were finishing another diner came up and said to H, "What a lovely family you all make. Your children are adorable. How I wish my kids were that age again. I wouldn't ever take it for granted." We walked back to the car, D and I went to the hotel. H and S went back to the house, not to H's apartment.

That night, D called to say goodnight to her brother and dad. I didn't get to say goodnight to H, so I texted him: "Hope today wasn't too painful for you. Thanks for inviting me and for giving our kds today. I hope they, and we, get more. D7's a crack-up. 7 going on 27." He quickly responded: "It was all good, not too painful. :)"

I wanted to acknowledge that he made a big effort and that I appreciated it.

This morning D called her Dad to say good morning. H and I spoke briefly. Then he sent me a text telling me that the was glad we were having a good time and to enjoy our day. D7 and I had a wonderful time. It was so nice to have another person with whom to wander the city. We had a yummy breakfast (D7 is a foodie already), walked Chinatown, tasted tea (where she amazed the tea man with her knowing the flavors of the tea, even though she's not much of a tea drinker, she likes coffee.) and did a whole bunch of fun things. She was like another adult to wander with and it made me miss the R I used to have with my H when we could do things like that.

I miss having a partner. I told H that on Sunday, but really felt it today. When we came back home, I started making dinner as D and I were hungry. I asked H if he was staying for dinner. He said he didn't know, so I started making dinner for three without any comment or reaction. (I honestly didn't care, I was hungry.) Halfway through prep, he said he'd stay and then he opened a bottle of wine that I got him for Christmas. Knowing that I was pushing a bit, because I wanted to see if he completely regretted inviting me to the A's game, when he reminded me that he's going to watch the kids for me tomorrow night while I'm at a meeting, I said then after maybe we could watch a movie. He said "Maybe." Not a no. I'll take it.

So I don't know. I'm going to draw up papers tomorrow. Hopefully I can just hold on to them to file and won't need to file tomorrow. He showed by actions this weekend that he's making some steps towards working on us even though he thinks it's too late. A little action is all I can ask for, even though I think he should be giving us more. Whether or not DBing says I should do this, I'm going to be lighting pushing for a little bit. And in my mind I have a real ultimateum: Retro/MC or bust. I don't know how much more of this I can take.