You shared, "I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders." I wrote that down on my post-it. Thanks for the uplift. Its empowering. Whatever the outcome, you will pull through. We are here for you.
Firstly, I am so sorry: I don't have time to write right now, D17 graduates this Friday, H is here and I still don't have a comp! I think of you - all of you! - every day and I'll be back (full time!) ASAP:). Please forgive me if I don't post on your threads for a short while.
NOw let me try and give you an update!
Part #1. I arrived, found H drunk (again!!!), had a long - two days long! - R talk, he told me that he loves me more then OW, that he made up his mind to break up with her, initiated ML (wasn't successful there :(), asked me to hold him, it's the only way he can feel safe, and begged me to take him back. Kept saying ILY. It felt great!! I really thought I was there.
Part#2. I spent three days at my mother's, H was calling all the time. When I finally came back, he was distant and gloomy. He told me he has to make up his mind NOW. I asked him not to do so if he wasn't ready, but he said NO, I MUST END IT TODAY. It didn't sound good and I didn't like the way he wouldn't look at me. We started another R talk. All of a sudden he asked me if I would agree to see his IC and get some advice from him. I said I'd like to and he called him right away. His IC was great and agreed to see me immidiately. He turned out to be very pro-marrige and lovely person in general. Long story short, he said I need to get on meds as well and I should have found IC a long time ago and get a proper help. On the way back home I started feeling sorry for myself and told H that I need a drink. You can guess the rest. I got drunk and didn't just backslide, I behaved HORRIBLY, crying and yelling and throwing things. I made an attempt to throw away my wedding ring and H stopped me. H didn't drink at all. I wish he hasn't observed me, it must have been so disgusting!
Part #3. I woke up with the worst hangover ever just to face angry and disappointed H. I begged him to forgive me and he said all is forgiven but he hates it when I am such a mess. I asked him if he would like to go to church with me and he said ok, later, first he needs to go some place else. I knew that he's going to see OW but didn't say anything. He returned after one hour and told me that IT'S OVER WITH HER!!!!!! I couldn't believe my ears! He was so sad...I hugged him and told him he doesn't have to break up with her if he is not sure. He said, he's sure and she doesn't want to wait for him to make up his mind any longer. It should be "ME or HER". And he chose me over OW! We were holding hands when we went to church and the rest of the day. I felt SO happy!!!
Part #4. He started to distance himself as soon as we left for the airport. By the time we arrived here, he was cold and distant once again. He barely looks at me and we\re having one awkward silence after another. If it wouldn't be for D17, we would not talk at all, I think. I try my best not to start R talk and I don't really know how to continue this way. I started walking on egg shells again and he seems to be very irritated with everything I do. He doesn't want to see anybody. He definitely doesn't seem to be happy to be home.
That being said, I'm confused once again!
I should be very happy, I know, but I don't feel LOVED at all... I'm still thinking about the backslide, I wish he could just forget it...
THank you all for your support and patience!
To be continued...
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
