Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

LMG, I am soooo encouraged by his compliment to you in front of the other people. That is hopeful. That is a really nice step. Really nice.

I'm glad you're encouraged. It was a fluke, though, and if I asked H about it (which I won't) he'd say he does think I'm beautiful (and sexy and smart and funny) but that doesn't mean he has the right feelings to stay in our M.

Tonight was bad. We came home from the weekend. I went upstairs to put D7 to bed and I heard D11 crying downstairs with H and when I came down to get him to say goodnight to D7, D11 was sitting in his lap. H passed me on the stairs and said "D11 needs you."

So I sat next to her on the couch and she blurted out: "Are you and daddy getting separated?"
I was caught totally off guard and stupidly said "No, what makes you think that?"
She said : "I just think it sometimes."
I figured H and she must have had a talk while I was upstairs and that's why he said she needed me.
So she went back to reading and then she went off to bed and I went and talked with H. I asked him what they were talking about and told him what she'd asked me. He said they didn't talk about that at all, it was something else unrelated.

ARGH. So now I've lied and said no, we're not getting S. I didn't mean to. I was caught off-guard at 9pm on a school night--what was I supposed to say?

Then I got angry at H and asked him when he was planning to talk with her/them. He said he was waiting until he had something to tell them. He has not even started looking for an apt. I again said he could move to his parents' house anytime (only 12 miles away) and he said again that it wouldn't be convenient for seeing the girls.

And then I got madder and said "Too bad. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. You don't get to live in this house and avoid me and refuse to go out with me or watch a movie with me or act like my H."

He said "I'm trying to do it in a way that's convenient for you. You said I should stay until October." (I didn't say that, the child psychologist I spoke to recommended it if possible.)

I said "it's never going to be convenient for me. It's not fair to keep D11 in suspense like this when she clearly knows something's going on."

Then he sort of half-heartedly said "I guess I'll look for a place."

I said: "Why do you want to live apart from your kids?"
He said "I don't want to live apart from them."

So I've now done exactly what I wanted to avoid doing, which is essentially give him an ultimatum. But the pressure of living like this, especially when D11 knows yet we keep putting her off, is getting unbearable.

This is what I didn't want to do though. He is clearly stalling and I am pushing him to leave. I am just really getting so stressed out. I can handle the DBing most of the time (did it all weekend) but my D11 has made so many comments, and now asked me directly and it just seems totally unfair to her to make her wonder why she thinks something is up and not verify that she's RIGHT. I refuse to be the one to deliver the bad news, though. H must do that. But he is so passive and non-confrontational that I can't picture it happening.

WAH! I HATE THIS!