Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup, I knew you'd like it. Now if I'd only like my golf game.

I think I figure out something with my game. Last year, I was hitting my drives a ton and mostly straight, but yesterday I couldn't get off the tee much and if I did everything was way right. Last night at the bar we were discussing this and I think I realized that with the weight I've lost on the infidelity diet that my swing changed! Stupid thing is, now I'm hitting my irons better. So what do I do? Stay thin, hit my irons well, but not get off the tee or have the weight and hit my drives well, but not my irons.

I know the answer, keep the weight off, hit my irons well and figure out what I'm doing wrong with my drives.

Ok, more GAL activities today. Gonna mow, watch the Indy 500 and cookout tonight. Then cookout at mom's and grad party at friends tomorrow. All in all a good weekend.

Talk to you all soon.

[Snow White]

Thanks Pup, I knew you'd like it. Now if I'd only like my golf game. I think I figure out something with my game. Last year, I was hitting my drives a ton and mostly straight, but yesterday I couldn't get off the tee much and if I did everything was way right. Last night at the bar we were discussing this and I think I realized that with the weight I've lost on the infidelity diet that my swing changed!

This is funny and true. When I was 9 months pregnant I played the best golf of my life. I think it was for a couple of reasons, the weight, the fact that my stomach was so large I had no choice but to keep my arms straight to get them around it, and I swear, my belly way like a huge pendullum of momentum. I'm going golfing today, a mere 85 pounds less than my full pregnancy weight. I'll let you know how I do, I'm guessing it won't be pretty.

[Hope4us]

Right there with ya Snow White. I've lost about 75 lbs on the infidelity diet. And now I'm a weakling.

Well, WW isn't going to my mom's and the grad party tomorrow. Didn't think she would, but now it's official. I told her I wouldn't be being honest if I said it didn't concern me some. She asked why? I told her I was worried OM was coming to visit. She claims he isn't. I asked her if she'd been talking to him and she claims she hasn't. I told her I didn't believe anything I don't see and she said "there's noting to see". I just don't really believe it at this point.

So tomorrow I'm going to call the two hotels of their normal chain that are in the area and ask for OM. See if he's registered.

Part of me really doesn't think he's coming up. WW told me she had a bad week at work (which I know she did) and just wants a day alone to unwind. I guess I can believe that, but I really don't. There goes that trust again.

Today has been ok. We're grilling shortly. Been sitting in the sun since I mowed. WW layed in the sun most of the day. Good golly is she skinny since this started. Almost anexoric (or however you spell that). Her bikini bottom sits on her hip bones when she's lying down so you can see part way down her bottoms (not that I was looking ).

I'm also going to check her car mileage tomorrow morning to verify she isn't driving to meet the loser part way. I know I shouldn't snoop, but these are just a couple more things to help me begin to trust again.

Incidentally, our talk about OM coming up wasn't tense or anything. And today she's been ok, but not overly excited like I would think she'd be if he was showing up. I did see her send a TM at one point while she was outside, but I'm not sure who it was to. maybe the enabler GF, but could be enabler to OM. I've noticed WW is kind of attached to her cell today. Maybe tomorrow will be the final nail in the affair coffin as I'm sure he wants nothing to do with her since I exposed her STD to him. Maybe if she wants him to show up tomorrow and he doesn't, she'll finally figure it out, but it might be too late for me if she does.

By the way, just a question. What's everyone think of this? WW and I haven't ML in over 9 months and it's been since early Dec that WW and OM have seen each other. I would kill to have sex. Would it be ok to just ask WW if she wants to F, no strings, no meaning, no nothing? Just kind of F buddies? Tell her I am not going to cheat on her, but man, 9 months is a long time for a grown man. And yes, I've been having some drinks while watching the Indy 500.

[Hope4us]

Ok, OM isn't registered at either of the hotels in the area of the chain that they've used in the past. But I really didn't expect him to be. More likely, if she is going to see him today she'll be driving part way down to meet up with him. So her mileage on her car will be telling when we get home tonight.

Last night DS16 got home from his friends birthday party camp out and he asked me if WW was going with us today and I told him no. He was pretty disappointed. He asked what her excuse was? I told him she's going "shopping". He asked if that's what we're telling everyone today or if that's what she really said? I told him that's what she said. He asked me what she's really doing? I told him that she told me she had a bad week at work and just wanted to go shopping and be alone today. He just rolled his eyes at that.

Last night was pretty decent. We grilled out, enjoyed the evening. WW told me goodnight in a fairly warm voice when I went to bed. If she's not in contact with OM, she seems to be past her anger and seems to be making some progress. But it's a big IF she's not in contact. Yesterday we were discussing how much she hates her job and I brought up the idea of relocating back to our hometown and she was against it. She claims she doesn't dislike her job, just hates her boss. She brought up that DS16 had just been elected class President for next year and she doesn't want to pull him out of this school.

So of course I remember that OMW told me that OM thinks he'll be coming back to our area for work once his assignment is over where he's at now. That is supposed to be in a couple years. How perfect for WW. DS16 graduates from H.S. OM comes back. WW tells kids, see, I tried to work it out with dad, but it didn't work and now I'm dating OM. See, I told you he had nothing to do with me and dad's problems and aren't you happy that I'm so happy with OM? Can't you just be happy for me?

Of course, that scenario is just my untrusting mind spinning, but it seems like in her fogged out brain a very real plan on her part.

Ok, got to get ready to go to our cookout/grad party. None of this changes my plans. I guess where I'm at is the old Ronald Reagan quote from the cold war. Trust but verify. And if things aren't moving forward by my July target, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So of course I remember that OMW told me that OM thinks he'll be coming back to our area for work once his assignment is over where he's at now. That is supposed to be in a couple years. How perfect for WW. DS16 graduates from H.S. OM comes back. WW tells kids, see, I tried to work it out with dad, but it didn't work and now I'm dating OM. See, I told you he had nothing to do with me and dad's problems and aren't you happy that I'm so happy with OM? Can't you just be happy for me?

Actually, that sort of thing is fairly common. Waywards love to keep their paramours underground under after the divorce, and then introduce them to the family with a "I'd like to introduce you to someone I just met." Inevitably, the affair will have been going on for a LONG time.

That's one of the reasons I'm pro-exposure. It keeps things real.

Puppy

[gForce]

My W is trying to do something similar - has mentioned OM to her parents as a friend, nothing more. I am sure the plan is to make it look like the R develops naturally after the D. I am not sure who she thinks she is actually fooling. Maybe herself.

[kat727]

My H when he was telling his parents that he filed for divorce, just said he met a girl he could talk to. Somehow they were supposed to figure out that he was having an affair. That's OK they both know now because I thought he told them and I talked about it during our Easter conflict.

Even though his parents are upset with him, they won't dare so anything to him because then he may not come to visit. Thay are just enabling him to go on his merry way. They tell me to work on it and say nothing to him. One messed up family!
kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks guys. I'm keeping that in mind while I see if we progress. If we start to put our marriage together, one thing I will insist on is that we relocate for work if OM ever comes back here.

Just got back from the cookout/grad party and WW didn't go anywhere today. And OM didn't visit I'm sure. She didn't shower today, looks like crap and is really sunburned from her laying out yesterday, so one more test passed. Now I trust her .002%. Only 99.998% more to go. Maybe by spring 2019 I'll trust her

I think maybe her making up the shopping excuse for today might be because she didn't want to face the couple family/friends that know of the situation and she's just not ready to do that yet. Maybe not, but she seemed interested in how everyone was doing etc when we got back.

Gotta go, talk to you later.

[lost_in_space]

h4u

Are you aware whether there is anywhere here where exposure is discussed? I am struggling with whether to do or not, to whom if I do, etc. I have had some comments on my thread, but wondering if there has been a large discussion on the topic. I know another site stresses the necessity of exposure, but not sure...

[Hope4us]

LIS, I've seen a thread on DB that discusses it, but it's been a while since I've seen it. Just an observation on my side, but it seems like on DB the general opinion is don't expose as it's controlling. I might be wrong, but that's what it seems like to me. I know the other site you're talking about and yes, it's strongly encouraged. I spend time there too. And have been working with one of the coaches from that site.

I know there are a number of us here that are strongly pro-exposure, me included. I guess I don't see it as controlling but rather as a way to bust up the affair. I feel like a marriage can survive anger, but not 3 people in it. If exposure doesn't break up the affair, then not exposing isn't going to break it up either, unless you can stand by and watch your spouse be with another person long enough for the affair to end. If you buy into the idea that a large number of affairs are addictive in nature, then exposure can be the piece that puts enough pressure on the affair to break that addiction. Exposure doesn't usually end the affair immediately, but by exposing it to the light of day, puts a jolt of reality into it which is many times the beginning of the end of the affair. Not always, and not always does the marriage make it if the affair ends with the assistance of exposure, but at least in my sitch, I feel like it's given our marriage the best chance at making it.

And like Puppy mentioned above, exposure throws a kink in the plans of the affairees to try to play the affair relationship off to the world as having nothing to do with the problems the marriage is having.

I'll have to look at your sitch again to give advise if you choose to go that way. It's really a personal choice. If you decide to do it, the OP's spouse (if they are married) can have the biggest impact. Kids, depending on their age can also have a huge effect. They did in my sitch. In-Laws and close friends of your spouse (if they are friends of the marriage) can also have a big effect. In-Laws can be a big help or not. Blood is thicker than water a lot of the time. If you do expose, it's not to hurt anyone. It's to shine the light of day upon a thing that survives best in the dark of night and by shining the light of day on it, show it for what it is and hasten it's end.

Maybe start a thread and ask the question if you want other's opinions.

The thing that's hard about all this is what works in one sitch might not work in another. It's really all about what you're comfortable with and what you think would give you the best chance of saving your marriage.