Here's a short explanation of the dialogue method. There is a lot more to it than this. I don't really want to describe it in full detail because I want to encourage anyone who is interested in learning it to go to a Retrouvaille weekend and get the full impact of the experience. I don't even know if you could successfully teach yourselves to dialogue and save your marriage, or if it only works because of the larger format in which it is presented. But this is the nitty-gritty of how it works.
Dialoguing is a written conversation technique that is taught at Retrouvaille weekends (www.helpourmarriage.org). Each spouse has a notebook. During the weekend the lead couples give you the questions to dialogue about. But once you go home, you need to choose your own questions. The first step to dialoguing is deciding on a question together. It is usually phrased, "How do I feel about ________?" Both spouses take 10 or 15 minutes to answer the question in their notebook. You are taught at the weekend what kinds of things to say, that is, to talk only about yourself, talk about feelings, not thoughts or beliefs, and lots of other ground rules of writing. Then you exchange notebooks and read what the other has written. You read it twice -- once with your head and once with your heart. And then each spouse takes turns asking the other questions about their feelings. Again, you are taught how to ask questions to elicit feelings, not thoughts. And when you discuss the notebooks you sit close to each other and look each other in the eye.
Dialoguing is a tool that brings couples closer together because they get to understand how the other feels about things without arguing. If you understand how the other feels, and if you care about that person, then you will do things to add to their good feelings and not hurt them.
Retrouvaille is a wonderful program of self-help taught by other couples who have been there, been through the misery of an unhappy marriage, but have healed their marriages. They show you how they did it. Then it is up to you and your spouse to follow the path they show you. Dialoguing is something they suggest you do daily.
It is for couples that are willing to go to the weekend with an open mind and a willing heart. (Usually, one partner is much more willing than the other). If you want to improve your communication within the marriage, then this program is for you. It saved my marriage and changed my husband and myself people. We are both less self-centered and just nicer to each other than were before. All married people should learn what they teach at Retrouvaille weekends.
