Just back from seeing music in the Sierra. Festival was a total washout - an unpredicted freak storm came through and it constantly rained the entire time. Unheard of for this area. Still a lot of fun though. I danced my booty off and lusted after a dozen beautiful women - all with guys *sigh*.
My sitch isn't much changed. Have to admit that I did some snooping and came across an interesting email exchange between W and MIL. MIL had emailed me saying she hoped I'd be good again, knew this was a rough time, etc. I emailed back that I was doing good and that W seemed conflicted but was only focused on D so I'd let go and was working on learning and healing.
Well, MIL forwarded that to W. What I found interesting was her reply. W said that I probably thought she was conflicted because she'd come over and we'd had a good conversation. No mention that it is always her calling and asking to come over or that she always breaks into tears when she's here or that she's the one who won't leave and wants to talk.
Next W said this: "I don't feel conflicted about the relationship so much as I wonder/worry about myself - although I don't feel a void when we're not together, when we do talk, I feel like I don't have anyone else that I talk with in the same way. So yes, I miss that. And I can't help but ask - is the talking, the connection on those levels, enough to sustain a relationship? Maybe it is - I don't know. I feel sad and inadequate and unworthy and even very petty and ridiculous at times, but I also feel relieved and happy and settled. So maybe that's conflicted, maybe it's normal, whatever - it's reality."
No mention, of course, of OM. I'm starting to wonder if OM is still in the picture. Anyway, it strikes me that W is very immature about what constitutes a relationship. Yes, we'd grown apart and only had our friendship left, but isn't that the point where you work towards transcending the old and creating something new? When you realize you still connect with someone no matter how deep the problems, shouldn't you work towards making the rest into what you want? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like everything in a R sits on a solid friendship.
I also feel that W is in a reactionary space. She always has thought that the way to deal with problems is to be alone, but after several months - surprise! - she gets lonely. I hear that attitude coming through in this email and wonder how long before she gets lonely.
Oh well, she's not willing to approach this so I continue to move on. Just so conflicted right now about whether a long-term R is ever going to be a possibility.
