W is now out

[upside_downer]

Hi,

Well I think it sounds like what started this trust issue was first the foundation of your ex-W cheating + when you found out that your present W had had sex with her cousin's husband--whom you had already known and established a relationship with and just thought of as family and it would have been unimaginable that something like that had gone on--it triggered this condition.

I think it's difficult enough for some people to have to deal with a significant other's ex even in passing. But to find out that you have been having a close relationship--and that SHE has been having a close relationship right under your nose--even though it is now platonic--with someone she had sex with--must have really pulled the rug out from under you.

It certainly would have affected me and I wouldn't have been able to continuing hanging out, having double dates and spending holidays with them without no longer wanting to do that.

How long had you two been seeing each other, and how long had you known the cousin and her H, when W told you about this past?

Tink

They actually didn't have sex. The whole thing blew over very quickly because of the ex BF's inability to handle it. I don't remember exactly how long we had been dating, I would say at least 8+ months if not a year. As time went on, I began to understand more of the dynamics of the cousin's R with my W. They are simply best friends. The 3 of them (W, cousin, cousin's H) are very very close. It sounds cliche, but it isn't about sex. They just love each other very much. They wanted me to be "in the circle," but I had them at arms length because of my own insecurities with the whole thing and with my past.

This year, I finally got around to being comfortable enough to want to be as close as they originally wanted me to be, but that blew up in my face because I finally became ready, but they had been waiting 2+ years. When I "decided" to be ready, I jumped right in and got kind of bent out of shape when they didn't respond the way I expected.

Now...the cousin's H stopped talking to me because of a situation . My W would go out with either cousin or cousin's H sometimes after work, and I wasn't really invited. That bothered me and I always let the W know. She could never understand why it was a problem to me that I was not invited. I sent the cousin's H a TM to let him know I was sad that I wasn't invited and when he didn't respond, the following day I sent an email. He had finally had enough of my whining (which became frequent) and he just went off on me. Sent me a 5 page note ripping me apart for not being patient, pushing them away, approaching things the wrong way, etc. Since then (about 6-8 weeks ago) he refuses to respond to contact from me. He still asks the W to go out, and she has a couple of times. That just never sat with me right either because I felt that, even though it is my "fault" that the cousin's H won't talk to me, she should stand by me.

She was stuck in a hard place though, having to choose between the best friends and her H.