Real life...part 3

[girlfromipanema]

Hello Sara,

I know this is so hard on you. I'm so sorry your husband continues to waffle. I can understand his fear of the OW. Sounds like she's a little 'fatal attraction'-ish. BUT, I would agree with Puppy in that as long as your message to your husband is I'm there for you regardless of your indecision, he will continue on his weak path. If he isn't forced to make the hard choices, he'll continue to waver back and forth.

I also understand how your dad feels. It's very difficult to watch someone you love with all your heart go through the pain you're going through. He wants you to be strong and make the right decisions for your future. I believe he thinks your husband won't ever change and I'm sure it's tearing him apart. He knows you deserve better - just like all of us know you deserve better. And you know you deserve better.

I hope you can find some peace soon, Sara.

You're in my thoughts.

[klm]

Sara,

You should not even entertain conversations like this with your husband. Yes, your WORDS to him are "You're not welcome here (physically or emotionally) so long as you are having an affair," but your ACTIONS -- your friendship, support (including financial) and willingness to be his shoulder to lean on -- all scream "I'm here for you, regardless."

Puppy is right.

I don't think your "stand" has to be filing for D if that isn't what you want right now. If he wants to break up with OW but is scared of her...then he can file a restraining order. You are in a position where you can require certain things from him.

Can you file for a legal separation to get him out of the house and protect yourself finacially?? I know some states don't have that.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now.

(((((Sara)))))

[SDFoundGirl]

My Dad says that H is "playing me." That he knows just the right words to say to get to me. In a way, I can see that, but I don't believe it totally. I think the things H is saying to me is really how he is feeling. I don't think he is saying them because he wants to hurt me more than I am already hurt. But he is really, really messed up in the head and his actions aren't matching his words. He even said so.
Sara

Sara,

I think the important thing is that you base your actions and decisions on what you want and think and feel.

In alien mode, the alien says and does a lot of crazy things...sometimes contradictory.

Believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

With a source THAT unreliable, why would you base your decision on anything they do?

You can transcend any situation IF you are willing and able to do so. Some people can get past and work through an affair, others aren't. There's no right or wrong in that; it's what you are able to deal with.

So, base your decision on what gives you peace. Divorce will still be an option two weeks from now or a year from now. If you aren't ready for it, then bide your time. I *do* think it's important for you to protect yourself financially. What about a legal separation? That would essentially be like divorce without the ending of the M...and it would give your H a taste of what it would be like while protecting you.

H may get it together or he may not.

What does Sara want and feel comfortable with right now? WITHOUT considering what H is saying/doing?

SD

[Kimmie Lee]

I agree with Puppy.

The thing is, when our H's want to leave us, nothing in the world stops them. So, if they really wanted to leave their OW, nothing in the world would stop them.

Simple, right?

[Starshyne]

I want to make it clear that I have taken care of myself financially. I have been quiet about it, but I we both now have seperate checking and savings accounts and I have done some other things that I don't want to get into to help myself financially. I am not hurting at all and I have made it so that H cannot hurt me financially. The only things I am paying for are the things that have my name on them...the car he drives and the car insurance. Obviously I am still paying for the house and utilities as well.

I looked into legal seperation and it is very difficult to obtain in Illinois (which is where I live, but a few miles outside of St. Louis, MO). You have to be seperated for years before it is awarded to you. That would ideally be what I want right now, but is not a choice.

What I don't want is to regret getting a divorce. If there is ANY chance at reconciliation (which a small part of me is hanging onto), then I would regret divorce. I honestly don't know WHAT I am comfortable with right now. I am okay with the way things are right now, but I know that won't last forever. He is still sleeping here when the whim hits him, and I leave when that occurs. He has actually been very good about informing me if he isn't planning on sleeping at the house so that I can have it. But I haven't heard from him at all one way or another today so I am a bit annoyed.

I know that I can forgive him for the adultry. I know that I can forgive and even start to trust in time. I just don't think I am getting the chance to show that I can do that.

[Starshyne]

Oh, I wanted to ask if anyone has any suggestions for anxiety? My heart has been racing non-stop for the past 2 days. I feel super edgy and not sleeping well. I already take zoloft for anxeity attacks (been taking this for 8 years, so it is not a new thing). Any suggestions as to what I can do to calm myself down?

sara

[Starshyne]

I can't shake this feeling that something bad has happened to H. I called him several times yesterday and TM him and didn't hear back. That isn't typical at all. I just have this awful feeling. I know you all tell me that if something happened, I would be contacted. But still...this is a bad feeling to have.

I figured out where OW's mom's house is. It is very close to ours. I drove by twice (couldn't help it...it is on the way home) and didn't see his car their either time.

Well I am going to the Memorial Day Parade. H and I used to do this together, but have missed it the past few years. They say it is the oldest Memorial Day Parade in the U.S. I except to see my students up there. Oh did I mention that there are only 2 more school days left? I have to work Tueday-Friday, but only have students Tuesday and Wednesday. Hard to believe this school year is winding down.

Sara

[girlfromipanema]

Sara,

I'm so sorry you're having trouble with the anxiety. My boss went through the break up of his 17 year relationship last year and his doctor gave him xanax for his anxiety. He was amazed at how relaxed it made him. Maybe it would be a good idea to make a switch from the zoloft.

I hope you hear from your h. Nothing worse than worrying and having that nagging feeling that something bad has happened.

You are very inspirational... you should feel very proud of yourself. I'm so sorry all of this is happening when you should be celebrating your 5th anniversary.

Take your time with things. If you're not ready, then it's not time to move forward. I'm so relieved you've been able to protect yourself financially. I think it's ridiculous that a divorce can happen so quickly and legal separation takes so long.

((((((Sara))))))

[SDFoundGirl]

Oh, I wanted to ask if anyone has any suggestions for anxiety? My heart has been racing non-stop for the past 2 days. I feel super edgy and not sleeping well. I already take zoloft for anxeity attacks (been taking this for 8 years, so it is not a new thing). Any suggestions as to what I can do to calm myself down?

Sara,

I was on Zoloft for anxiety and depression, but it didn't help me a lot for the anxiety. I switched to Lexapro, and that made all the difference. It even worked better for my depression!

Are you having panic attacks? If you go see your doctor and tell him/her about the anxiety, they may prescribe something like Xanax which you take on a situational basis. To me, they were like drinking a glass of wine without feeling tipsy...brought you to an instant calm. They can be addictive, so you have to be sure to use them only when you need them. I got to where a half a tablet would do the trick, and I still have some left from late 2006.

Basically, go talk to your doc. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, go now. I credit going on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist with helping me do the work and get in the right place so that reconciliation was possible. Summer 2006 (which is the summer of the bomb) actually ended up being one of the happiest times of my life, despite H's actions. But I was going to weekly therapy and working GAL/PMA pretty hard. It worked for me...I had gotten to the point where I was ready to let H go...and the very weekend I'd decided that was the weekend he started to come around. Weird, huh?

Anyway, there's no reason to suffer. Anxiety makes it hard to be rational or function.

Oh! I also walked when I started feeling anxious. I'd walk 1-3 miles, clear my head, and work out that nervous energy. Exercise is a great natural release for anxiety. You might ask your therapist for breathing techniques to do as well...I loved my T in STL because he gave me all sorts of strategies to use in conjunction with the therapy.

SD

[Starshyne]

Thanks for the advice...this has been a difficult road to travel. I haven't been having panic attacks a whole lot. I mean I have them now and then anyway...but they haven't gotten any worse than normal. I was seeing a therapist, but my insurance only allowed 6 visits a year, so I ran out of visits really quick going once a week. She did give me some breathing techniques, and I totally forgot about that until I read what you wrote. I am doing better today.

H finally contacted me. He only talked for a few minutues. Very matter of fact type conversation. He wanted me to know that he was sleeping at the house tonight and will be home around 10-11. So that means that I need to pack up again and go to my parents for the night. I have been in the house for 3 days, so now it is his turn. I know that someone is going to tell me how wrong that is, and I agree. You all have no idea how hard I have tried to get him out of the house. The police couldn't get him to leave and they were begging him to.

So I go out of my way to make sure things here aren't very nice for him. I have locked up all of the good, comfy blankets and pillows. He is stuck with scratchy blankets and throw pillows on the hard couch. I take the food that I want with me so that he has no access to the food or drink. I have taken the TV out of the house and put it in the garage. Stuff like that to show him that as long as he is continuing with the OW, he is not welcomed here.

The parade today was nice. I am glad that I went and did something like that today. I am having a game day tomorrow with my students and I am looking forward to that because I know how much they love games. And these games are educational...at least I am not doing what 1/2 of the school seems to be doing...showing movies.

Sara