W is now out

[upside_downer]

Why do you think you are this way? Did your ex-wife cheat on you?

Good Morning,

Yes. I found out my ex wife cheating on me with a friend who was also married. Interesting thing: When we were dating, if we would go to a bar, or a party, guys would inevitably hit on my W. It was a rare occasion when that didn't happen. It never phased me one bit. I was in the mindset that it didn't matter because I was reassured that she was going home with me.

That changed, and I never knew exactly when or why. I suspect it had something to do with her "different" relationship with her cousin and cousin's H.

One night, while laying in bed (back then), we were just talking about things and somehow, we got on this conversation where she explained to me something that had happened while she was dating her ex. Her ex and cousin's H were best friends. She and her cousin are best friends, so naturally, the 4 of them were very close. Close enough that, while in Vegas one weekend, they discussed swapping partners. My W agreed reluctantly because she is a "pleaser" (meaning she may not have liked the idea as much, but wanted to make her BF happy). So they were messing around and her ex freaked out. He couldn't handle his jealousy. Things were never the same for them and they eventually broke up (for other reasons, not just this).

Her telling me this, I was not ready for something like that. I asked a million questions, it made me feel like there was something between my W and cousin's H - I simply didn't fully understand the dynamics of their relationship. That carried on because I became somewhat jealous of the R that W and cousin's H had. That carried on into many facets of our R woes (I'll save some of those so this doesn't become a two page read).

Bottom line: my jealousy and mistrust started to creep in and I began destructive behaviors like snooping. That didn't go well, either because W talks to guys from work, etc. and there were a couple of things I was not happy about seeing.

Does your wife ever suggest or imply that she doesn't trust you or is suspicious or paranoid? Just wondering.

My W never implied she thought I was cheating. I have not seen an ounce of jealousy on her part. My past R with the ex-W was bad, though, because I did cheat there (long story of cheating on her part and me revenge-cheating). I was upfront with my W about all of that and she never told me or acted like that concerned her. It has always remained a non-issue.