I completely understand how you feel. When I'm away from H, I miss him terribly but it's not that gut wrenching pain (usually) that it use to be. But, when I see him, it's like getting punched in the stomach, and I often end up crying after he leaves. And I don't know which is worse- when he chats nicely, like it use to be, or when he acts like an ass and is nasty; either way it feels horrible. I think this is just par for the course, and you did great- you held it together while he was there. AWESOME!!! I can usually hold it together, but I have a terrible poker face, and he always asks what's wrong; I usually just say I'm tired. I've tried some new coping mechanisms- yoga (DVDs), meditation (guided on a CD) (still hard for me to keep my mind still), and my Kendo. I'm a bit of a mess this weekend though because H has had the kids since Sat.; they'll be home today, but he took them into Boston to ride the swan boats, and they've never done that without me, so I ended up crying all last night thinking about what use to be. So, took some nightime cold medicine (I do have a cold) which knocked me out and I actually slept. Feeling better today.
The advice Momof2Girls gave me was really helpful- if he's going to divorce you, he will, and nothing you can do will change his mind. Do what makes you happy, let him miss you, and be still. Of course I'm having a hard time being still , but I'm trying. I'm still trying to let go of my future dreams that have been crushed, and I think eventually we will both be able to do it. Then, when they come crawling back to us, begging to come home, we can tell them to take a hike!
You have a lot on your plate, with your S and your mom; you should pat yourself on the back- you're doing GREAT. You are so strong- just remember that.
On my thread you asked about ideas for hobbies that didn't cost anything, where you could meet people. I posted there but don't know if you read it, so here it is again:
"As for hobbies that involve meeting people but don't take money-what about a book club? If not at a local bookstore, maybe a library, so you can borrow the books instead of buying? Around here I've seen both reading groups and writing groups advertised for free, if those types of things interest you. What about walking or running "clubs"? Also, have you looked at Parents without Partners? I know they are national, and they have local chapters and many different events, both for parents and children, and for just parents alone. I've looked at their website, but haven't joined."
((((mishka))))
Kelly
Me 39 H 45 T13 M11 D6.5 S4 ILYBNILWY July 07 OW e-mails found 12/15/07 H moved out 3/15/08
, but I'm trying. I'm still trying to let go of my future dreams that have been crushed, and I think eventually we will both be able to do it. Then, when they come crawling back to us, begging to come home, we can tell them to take a hike! 
