SLOWLY!!! So good to hear your "voice!" What are you up to these days??
Life rages on, friends. I survived another anniversary. Our 11th. I resolved to make it a fantastic day for myself regardless of H. I was surprised when he showed up in the evening--he works so hard to not acknowledge anything like this and has not stopped in AT ALL on weekends in ages. I bought a chunk of amethyst crystal for him--I hesitated at first, but the selenite I gave him for Christmas was a big hit, so I figured I'd go ahead. Glad I did--he seemed interested in it, and I was very casual about giving it to him and didn't actually mention the reason.
I gave myself an iPod.
Anyway, we watched the end of the hockey game together, and chatted, and he left saying that he might be back later. He tried to call but my phone was on silent. I called him when I saw that, and he returned when I was in bed watching "The Pink Panther." My sense was that he remembered exactly what day it was and wanted to spend time together. Was it everything I wanted? Of course not. But I was happy to spend time with him.
So here's the convo from about a month ago. Let me know if you have any particular insights:
He called late on a Sunday night and sounded exhausted and unhappy. I can't remember how he led into it--I must have asked if he was all right. He said he didn't want to get into a big talk right then. I said OK, talk to me when you're ready, and he said, "I am ready, but I don't want to talk about it right now." So I said let me know when you're ready, and we went into it.
He said, "You must be tired of this," meaning the situation between us. I said he doesn't seem to know what he wants, and he said, "It's not that simple," and started talking about how we don't seem to spend any time together. I asked why he thinks that is, and he said, "Well, either you're doing something or I am." I said, "H, I've called you many times; do you really think I don't want to see you or do things with you?" His response: "No, I guess not, but...." I think that somewhere in here I asked him directly if he wants to divorce me, and he said no.
He was panicked about the financial situation--BTW, we have refinanced to pay off debt and expect to close by the end of the month. At the point of this convo, I was making an appointment to talk with a mortgage broker that a friend recommended, and H said, "I guess there may be a chance to find a way out of this." I just said that if we worked together, we would find a way.
I took the initiative then and said it may not matter to him, but I could tell him some things that I was certain of and that I knew to be true(and although my voice got tight and high, I didn't cry once during this convo):
* I love him more than I could ever promise or say and I want us to be together;
* I will not live like this forever, but I am happy. Maybe happy isn't the right word, but I am conent. I am OK with giving him the time and space that he needs;
* In the meantime, I AM happy with my life, with what I do, and with what I've learned about myself. He said "I know that," and I said, "Good. I'm glad you know that."
He said, "Of course that matters to me. I'm not happy with where we are." I said, "Then figure out where you want to be instead."
So I figured we were heading for a BIG talk soon...and it came a few days later. I made the appt. with the mortgage broker, and H was really wound up about it--wanted to get our story straight about how we got into this mountain of debt, etc. Total concern about reputation and loss of face--textbook MLC guilt. I affirmed and validated and waited for him to start whatever he was going to talk about--I'm not afraid of anything he might say anymore. This convo was unusual in that it was very affirming of me:
First he complimented me on my hair and my jewelry--all pieces that he's given me. He said I looked really pretty. He went into financial stuff for a moment--he said, "Obviously I don't want to come back here (to the house) or I would be here," and that the financial issues "complicate things more" for us. He also said he's rally happy at his job for the first itme in a long time and that he thinks about becoming a child pysch. I told him I thought he'd be great at that. And he would.
He said, "I don't understand why you're still around. Who would blame you if you got swept off your feet and snatched up by someone else?"
Well, duh. That was an inside thought. Outside I just listened.
He went on, "If I were in your situation, I'd have kicked the sh!t out of someone by now and locked you out of the house." I immediately went for humor and said, "Well, you're too big for me to kick the sh!t out of, H. I just planned on killing you in your sleep." He started to laugh and said, "Kill me in my sleep...That's funny! I like it!" I smiled and said, "Yeah," and then went totally deadpan and said, "Don't think I didn't think about it." He went a little pale and said, "Seriously?" and I laughed and said, "No!" and then deadpan again, "But it makes you pause, doesn't it?" We both laughed at this point.
He said that people think we're already D'ed. I asked who, and he told me about some people at work who are fishing for info--clearly some kind of convo has been going on in his school.
By now I was crying, and he said that he was talking about me crying and how I'm NOT a big crier, which I found remarkable because I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat, but he said he meant that I don't cry in a manipulative way. Apparently this was in a convo with his mother. He described an incident to her when we watched "The Muppets Christmas Scpecial" and how they flashed onto Jim Henson and I burst into tears. I remembered exactly what he was talking about and laughed and said, "I guess that's pretty silly," and he got a huge smile on his face and said, "No. Not at all." He looked at me so lovingly. I said, "I guess I must feel safe crying in front of you. I don't do that with many people."
Then we talked about he house. He said, "If money grew on trees, I would pay off all the debt and this house and sign it over to you." I said, "But I don't want it, " and he seemed shocked, like he hasn't heard this the umpteen times I've said it over the past 3 years. So we talked about the value of selling vs. waiting. He said, "It's funny...this would be the perfect time to just be here and be content with this place," like he meant for both of us to be here. I just agreed.
He said, "I wasn't good to you, not as a husband and not as a friend." I told him that that isn't true, but he kept going. He said, "I tried to be a good H to you, to be what I thought you wanted , but there were things that bothered me that I never talked about." He said it bothered him that he has no R with any of my family. I said that that may be due to my R with my family, that it's part of my baggage, and he said, "You have no baggage. I know people with baggage. You don't have any." I don't know where he was going with that--it felt a little competitive, actually, so I dropped it. I tired to come back to the deeper aspects of this later, but he said he couldn't think of anything else that bothered him that he didn't talk about, so I encouraged him to share with me if he thought of anything later. To date, that hasn't come up again.
He said that sometimes he thinks that he wants to go off and establish himself somehow doing something, then take care of me and rebuild that way.
I told him that I love him, I want him, I need him, and I want to reconcile and rebuild our M. He said, "I think about how to go back, but I know it can't be like that again." I agreed and added that I don't want how it was, I want something new. He asked, "Do you care that I thought we would be D'ed? I have all the paperwork." I admit that I was surprised to hear this, but I don't know why--I guess because he still has all the forms. I asked if he wants that now, and he said sometimes he thinks so. I just wanted to get out of this part completely, so I said that I didn't care that he felt that way then.
He said, "I have no reason on earth to not want you or need you." He talked about how he's always been moving away from me in our R, first to move out here to the west coast, then another time when he was going to Utah for 6 months. I didn't say that he always ended up coming back.
So by the end, I was still crying a lot. He was very concerned for me and said, "I don't want you to be upset." I said, "It's not you, H. I'm not upset by you." He said, "It's an upsetting situation." I agreed and asked, "Are you upset by it?" and he said, "Yes," and looked like he was trying not to cry. This is eons away from the talk we had on New Year's Eve when he implied that he was too detached from the situation to be upset. I said ILY, and he said it back--it actually sounded real.
Nothing has really changed between us since this convo. I told him once recently that I would like to see him more often, especially on the weekends, but not enough time has passed for me to see any results. He called me one morning at work to tell my something about hockey--that hasn't happened in about forever. Baby steps...
That's it. Thanks to anyone who got through it all. Thoughts?
That was an inside thought. Outside I just listened.
He described an incident to her when we watched "The Muppets Christmas Scpecial" and how they flashed onto Jim Henson and I burst into tears. I remembered exactly what he was talking about and laughed and said, "I guess that's pretty silly," and he got a huge smile on his face and said, "No. Not at all." He looked at me so lovingly. I said, "I guess I must feel safe crying in front of you. I don't do that with many people." 
So we talked about the value of selling vs. waiting. He said, "It's funny...this would be the perfect time to just be here and be content with this place," like he meant for both of us to be here. I just agreed.
