Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

OK, I really messed myself up tonight. H has no clue but I do.

H took S fishing this afternoon and they were gone for about 3 hours. When they came back H asked me if it would be ok for him to take S to dinner. I told him that was fine. After they left again I made myself a drink and sat down to watch a little TV. When I finished my drink I was trying to figure out why it hit me so hard and fast and realized I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and that had been about 9 hours earlier. So, instead of going and getting something in my stomach, what did I do? I went outside, lit the grill, put on some music, grabbed a beer and sat on my porch. Finished that one, grabbed another one....and another. I am NOT a drinker. Usually 1-2 drinks and I'm DONE and tipsy. 4 in the span of an hour and a half was NOT good. H got back from dinner and I was still sitting on the porch and pretty darned buzzed.

H saw my eyes and knew I was a little out of it. He came and sat on the porch with me and made chit chat. I didn't talk much but laughed at what he was telling me and made nice. It was KILLING me! I just wanted so badly to scream at him, "WAKE UP! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO OUR FAMILY? TO ME?"

It didn't come out of my mouth. I'm amazed I held it together in the inebriated state I was in but I did. I got up to go turn the meat on the grill and H followed me. We stood in the driveway talking for a few more minutes and then he said he had to go. I wanted to grab him right there in the middle of the driveway! That would have been a 180 but probably one he wouldn't like since he has no feelings for me anymore.

H left and I kept my cool, went inside and about 10 minutes later I got a text from H saying, "It was nice chatting with you. U lush! LOL!" I responded because I couldn't seem to stop myself, "Really nice. You should have joined me." He said, "Maybe another time. Have a good night." I watched a movie with S and my mom and then went to take a shower where I promptly lost control. I started sobbing in the shower and couldn't stop. It was just terrible.

I've pulled myself back together for now but the thoughts are still running through my head that I should NOT see him again. Every time I see him and we chat like we used to it opens the wounds in my heart again which I have to hide from everyone until I can be alone and crumble. It happens every time and it makes me very tired. What should I do? My heart wants to see him and talk with him to keep the lines of communication open even though it's killing me. My head tells me to not have any contact with him outside of things re: our son. I just don't know what to do. HELP!!!