debbie, you can only make the best decision that you can make with what you know right now. It didn't work, and it sounds like you have added that attempt to your in-head database of what works/what doesn't, so if nothing else you've learned from the experience, that sounds like a positive to me.
I keep feeling lately like my H wants to see me, but can't quite get over whatever stumbling block is in his way to, so Friday afternoon I emailed him and simply said "crazy idea, but I thought you might be free for dinner?" of course the longer it got with no answer from him, the crazier I got, I did see him the next day for a pre-planned meeting with our real estate agent(we're selling a house that we own, but don't live in), I saw him again today because we had to get some tools out of the house and mow the lawn, but still not a word about the dinner invite. On the one hand it makes me want to shrivel up and blow away and then on the other I remember all of the really great wisdom that I've gotten lately from introducing DB'ing and this forum into my life and I think about how great I am as a person and all the great things going on in my life, not really at the point yet where that makes me feel 100% better, but most of the way there.
Just think of all the time you have between now and June 2nd, you have had that many more days of loving yourself and being good to you because you deserve it, and then you'll get to visit your dogs(woof, woof, pant, pant, lick, drool, I think they're happy to see you).
I think you just need to forgive yourself for backsliding and decide you are going to learn from your mistake by NOT doing that again.
Somethings I do that help me when I need to go dark:
I make myself get out of the house and I don't bring my cell phone.
I stay in the house but I disconnect my phone, keep my cell shut off and don't check my email.
I meditate to soothing tapes.
I decide that I won't check my messages until night time.
I know you may have urgent timely business that you have to know about right away, but if you don't have anything urgent, it can really give you peace of mind to cut off all communication coming in. And you can still turn a phone on to call out (to anybody but him lol)
Thanks hopeful; I was definitely not thinking clearly when I kept going with the communications. The good news is, I've started reading DR and it is encouraging. I also have a coaching session on Tuesday and I'm hoping that it will produce some strategies I may have overlooked. I have a feeling I may need to go completely dark on my H for a while since I'm not leaving very much to the imagination. It's hard to feel like I keep blowing all of my "chances" but I guess its probably more severe in my mind than the impact it truly had. I've at least stayed "quiet" about the non-responsiveness; normally I would've kept on trying until I got a response with messages that eluded to my previous attempts like "well, I haven't heard back from you...". Perhaps if I at least am not doing that I will have recovered somewhat. I'm just leaving it alone.
Hi, just wanted to post before doing anything else (good advice). H knows I'll be in town June 2nd to see my dogs (he's caring for one of them that normally lives with me while I'm at my Moms); and also to get my mail. I just wondered in light of recent events, should I just make up an excuse not to go? H hasn't responded to my call about "what time" would be best for me to come by; nor has he replied to my email that suggested we make things a "clean slate" between us. I feel humiliated and rejected to put it lightly and I'm wondering if maybe he's seeing someone or if he is just flat out ignoring me so I'll leave him alone. Whatever his reasons for going dark on me, how should I handle my visit? I will only be in town for just long enough to get some Drs. appts. out of the way and then I have to fly back to my Moms. I'll also be borrowing a car from a friend who may need it back sooner than I anticipated so should I even bother carving out time to drop by and see my dogs and get my mail? This would be a prime opportunity to see the H and see how things go but I'm so nervous about recent events I feel like hiding. I almost don't trust myself not to do or say something that will just confirm his own feelings of "aren't you pitiful..". What do you guys think? Cancel, go anyway, or not go and don't even say why....?
I've been following along. I'm struggling with a lot of the same feelings and issues. I always seem to backslide at least once in our conversations. I do try to put on my happy face and I think it surprised my W when I was helping her move. I think that surprised her. I bought her some bathroom stuff before she left and she was very surprised. But I struggle too, like you. Even now, I want to text her or call her but I now that's against DB.
I'm not the best one for giving advice right now but I see you are struggling with what to do. If your visit is going to be short and you think you might say the wrong things then it might be best to cancel the visit. If you know deep down that you feeling will come out then it probably not worth. I'm sorry you are struggling so much but there are others in the same sich so take some comfort in that. I struggle hour to hour.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
"H hasn't responded to my call about "what time" would be best for me to come by; nor has he replied to my email that suggested we make things a "clean slate" between us."
Hi,
I think you're right. DON'T go. And DON't call and cancel. My guess it's obvious to him that the call about "what time" is a ploy to get him to respond. And then the "clean slate" is obviously the next ploy since he didn't respond to the "what time" message.
I think one of the reasons he is not getting back to you is because he feels so pursued that he's not even worried about missing your arrangements; he probably extremely confident that he has to do NOTHING, because you will wind up calling and emailing relentlessly until you get a way to see him.
Contacting him to cancel would just be another excuse to pursue him. The excuse here is "I have to call and cancel because it would be impolite not to. Or what if he made plans and then I disrupted his schedule or he was standing there, worried about what happened to me?"
I don't think he's worried. But I think we WANT him to be. That would be the best thing.
So just back off completely. Go AWOL so he relaxes, wonders, and eventually contacts you to figure out why when he was running away he turned back and no one was chasing him anymore...
And then when you get to this point--and you CAN get to it if you just DON'T leave little comments to people he knows (that counts as contacting him, he'll sense the comments were to get back to him) or contact him AT ALL...
Then don't answer the phone or respond to his emails or anything until he has tried at least four times to get you.
Wow guys, thanks for the input. I definately understand what your saying Tink, and yes, if I didn't go, I'd feel obligated to call and cancel as not to be rude; it's funny how conscious of that I still am to a man who has no regard for being "polite" to me. I did consider this option: He has some of my mail, I thought maybe of just sending him a pre-paid postage evelope big enough to hold my mail with a quick note that something like, "please return my mail in this envelope, may not have time to come and get it in person..." That way its kind of like cancelling but still leaves room for wondering. Trust me, I would love to go AWOL, and maybe that's what I'll muster up the courage to do; I just really do miss my dogs (they're like my kids); and I'd love to have a positive interaction with H, but I am still too nervous I think. I want to do whatever it takes to get my personal power back. What do you guys think of the mail idea? Do it, or just do nothing? ( I kind of like the do nothing at all idea...).
I was just reading your thread and thought there were a lot of similarities in our sitch's. Same ages (my H is a bit younger- 28), I got the bomb a few weeks after you, and H moved out a week before you did, saying almost exactly what your H said to you.
I like the idea of sending the envelope, perhaps with a message that just says 'Dear H, if you could put my mail in here and return it that would be great. Thanks! Love Deb'
Don't even try to get him wondering anything at this point- the less you try to the more he will, if that makes sense?
I also like the idea of you not contacting him for now. Perhaps at the next interaction you guys might work out a visiting schedule for your dogs? Once that's structured I'd imagine the interactions will go more smoothly.
Can I also ask why you moved out, if H dropped the bomb? Sorry if you've posted this already- I haven't been back and read all your posts but will try to over the next couple of days.
Thanks oneDay; to answer your question as to why I moved out when it was H that dropped the bomb, well, we were already behind on our mortgage payments and in severe debt. I originally said to H that I wanted to keep the house and he would have to move out if he didn't want to be with me anymore but that I was staying put. The problem is, H was too busy partying and coming home at 4am to look for a place to live. It was sheer torture. He was constantly rubbing my nose in the fact that he no longer cared for me. I had to move out for my sanity. He was just really angry and took it out on me every chance he got. I feel good about the envelope idea too, just because I've already expressed my feelings to him via email and now I just need to wait and see if he'll come around like he has in the past. I realized when I read DR, that in the past when he'd come around after my implementing the LRT, I'd turn down his offers to go out simply because I was afraid that he was trying to have it both ways (be free and have me at his beck and call). I had reciprocated and had been there for him for nearly 4 or 5 months while our relationship went nowhere and I started getting too anxious. That's why he pushed me away in March and said he wanted space. But after that, when I truly stopped all communication, he said he missed me and offered to take me out etc. but I was now suspicious that he was playing games with me. I even had separation papers drawn up. (never officially filed). This I think hurt H's ego and now he has REALLY let go of me and seems to be completely uninterested. If I could just get to a point where he was remotely interested in me again, I'd know it's okay to politely accept the occasional date; I just need to stop being so inquisitive or over eager, or to the other extreme where I turn him down. That's where I'm at right now. Just hoping that the LRT will work ONE MORE TIME, so I can get some kind of relationship (any relationship)going again.
