for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

Evie - Rome is certainly something to look forward to! Much grander than the scale I was thinking on - I was thinking about planning a picnic! (Last year I bought season's pass to an outdoor concert series, but H refused to go with me, so I ended up giving all of the tickets away.)

Marcum - thxs for the prayers. Are you saying that you are happy right now w/ nc or th your W is?

Had C yesterday and felt better abt myself. I was talking about my prob w/ letting go and she suggested th it is b/c of the lack of clarity in my sitch and H being so passive. There is not enough resolution to let go. Kind of like the feedback you gave, Evie. It helps to think there is a reason for my struggle and not necessarily a character defect on my part.

[Evie]

A picnic sounds ace, I love picnics. Can you buy the tickets again and go with a friend/work colleague this time?

I'm happy that the C sesion was a good one for you. It's always good to be able to talk about ourselves without feeling guilty that we are boring others or that they are not going to be that supportive or say something that upsets us b/c its not what we want to hear.

What else did she say? or have you had any further thoughts or feel that you have progressed at all?

I think you are doing well with your sit, you are still lovingly distant without giving up hope, do you have any expectations?

I ask this b/c i was reading on another sit today and it was all about still having hope but dropping expectations...just a thought.

I'm rambling and don't have much to offer, but i'm listening.

Do have a Bank Holiday over there on Monday? Why not invite him over for coffee and a danish and a catch up? or just drop him a text to see if he's ok?

Chin up..

[TwinDad]

Hey Seek,

I am new to your thread and to this board. But a lot of what you say rings true to me as well. It is tough to tell yourself to "give up" on something you feel so strongly about. My W sends me conflicting messages all the time. I have found that the more I go dim the more positive she reacts, but if I go completely dark it seems to tick her off.

A quick question. Why is your H leaving the fixing of the house to you for sale. If he wants to be separated and sell the house shouldn't he at least contribute......afterall it sounds like this whole stich is "his choice"

[seekpeaceofmind]

:Hi, TwinDad - sorry you need to be here in DB land, but glad you found it. . . . My H is leaving the house to me, IMO, b/c he has just washed his hands of the whole thing - me, M, house, responsibility. He wants to be free, have no trouble, no conflict and doesn't want to be around me for more than 5 min. He knows I have hired my brother to do some repair work and has prob convinced himself (if he is thinking abt it at all) th I have all the help I need. The house isn't a disaster, but there are things that just have to be done when you have buyers coming thru - sweep out the basement, clean the garage, wash windows, that kind of thing. If he were here I know he wld work hard to get all of those things done, but I think it's just not on his radar now - out of sight, out of mind. I cld ask H to do some of it, but I have decided th I am going to ask for the bulk of the equity - I don't want to split it 50/50 b/c this isn't my choice and I am going to suffer financially as it is. I don't know if "you didn't lift a finger" gets me anywhere if there is an argument over the money, but I feel th I am at least on the higher ground. Maybe "doing it all myself" fuels my righteous indignation, too - a little bit.

A picnic sounds ace, I love picnics. Can you buy the tickets again and go with a friend/work colleague this time?

I thought abt it, but I think I need to come up w/ new things to do th don't have a negative memory attached. I may try to do some hiking this summer and to the lake more often.

I'm happy that the C sesion was a good one for you. It's always good to be able to talk about ourselves without feeling guilty that we are boring others

Sometimes I bore myself w/ all of this and th is when I actually appreciate C the most, b/c she can make it seem like where I am is to be expected under the circumstances, instead of me being emotionally stuck or immature - she says, in effect, well of course you are having a hard time. . . She's not encouraging me to wallow around in it, but she helps me feel normal.

do you have any expectations?

I don't know. . . . When I last texted H and he called to tell me abt the status of the case, I thought, well maybe he'll call next week after court and tell me abt it. But he didn't and I was disappointed, but not surprised - it was a wish or a hope, but was it an expectation?
Every w/e I am hurt all over again th he doesn't reach out - I think abt him so often and miss him all w/e. I don't really expect him to call or come over, but I wish he wld. Is it an expectation to wish th he wld react as I wld, th he wld miss me and want to connect - or is th just how abandonment feels?

Why not invite him over

Honestly, I don't really want to see him or have a convo w/ him unless he is making the move - I can't handle the rejection any more.

The good news this w/e is th I have made another new friend. I went to the divorce support grp last week - I had mixed feelings abt going, but did in the end and met this woman and she invited me over to her house today. So - it shows how imp it is to do GAL things even when you don't want to. This is a big deal for me - it is hard for me to connect w/ new people. I'm not a loner or anything, just shy. I do well in a work setting - I've been a trainer and facilitator, etc, but on a personal level, I hang back. I was even feeling shy abt returning her call! So, good growth for me and always good to get a new friend.

I don't usually initiate - so, I think my next GAL move is going to be to call another woman I met in the hospice class. If I keep this up, I shld be ready to reach out to men in a couple of yrs! I realized a few wks ago th I have not had any interest or connection at all w/ other men in the yrs of my M - no flirting, no cups of coffee, no lunches, nothing - all strictly business. Before, my work env had quite a bit of socializing and a lot of men around. I chgd jobs after M and just didn't have th contact anymore. I used to get a lot of male attn, now I feel sexless and one of my DB projects is to get th part of me back.

[TwinDad]

Seek,

Sounds a little bit like my W. It can be frustrating to have to do the hard work of something you want no part of. The worst part is that I could revert to my passive aggressive ways and literally make it impossible....but that would just justify her cause even more. Besides, I really do want to be her best friend and I love her very much. So until the ink is dry I plan to be her best friend (at least that is my plan now and it seems to make some difference).

I know what you mean with regards to GAL. It is hard for me as well. I am a good friend once I make one but it can be a challenge. Sounds like you are making good progress in this effort.

[happynow]

Hi Seek,

I just read your thread, I'm with you girl! I'm like you, my H has moved on we are even D & I still can't give up or let him go!

That is great that you went to a support group & made a new friend, I need to do that myself.

You have been supportive on my thread & I wanted to do the same for you! I know, believe me I know how hard this is. You keep hanging in there. I've read so many success stories on here, so hopefully one day you & I both will be on there too.

I got the house as you know & alimony for 3 years, that really upset my H! At least your H is giving it to you without a fight. Just b/c it seems like he has let go, he may not have. You have been together for a long time, I don't know how they can just turn away. Maybe he hasn't just yet.

(((HUGS)))

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm adjusting my expectations. I had been thinking 1 year would be long enough to give this, but it is now almost 1 year post-bomb and 8 months of sep. I'm not ready to give up on M yet, altho I am more than ready for the pain to be over. Now I think the hurt has to pass before I can give up on the M. Plus, 2 yrs seems to be a more realistic timeframe to really give this a chance.

I felt very confused this morning. H sent a text yesterday saying he wants to get some things tomorrow. I feel like I have missed opportunities to be his "friend" and DB. When he 1st moved out, he tried to tell me abt his apt and I didn't want to talk abt it. I shld have said, - why don't you have me over for dinner after you get settled? Instead he now has this whole life th I know nothing abt. We tried to have a drink or lunch a few times in the beginning of the sep and I just cldn't relax. Now I never see him for more than 5 min. Then, he said to me, it sounds like you are ready to move on. My reaction (and others) to his D talk has been th he is trying to put the responsibility onto me - make it something th I am doing, not him. But, what if what he is really doing is trying to get me to let go? And I won't do it. Not in that way. I will let him move out and have NC W/me and I won't fight or plead. But, I won't say, - Ok divorce me or, better yet, I will divorce you. Maybe he needs me to do th so th he will know th I have let go. And then he won't need to resist me any longer.

[happynow]

Wow! I'm sure you are very confused. Maybe when he comes to get those things, be very positive & happy, ask him how he is doing & try to get him to talk about himself. (Men love that)!

Don't let him put the responsibilty on you, this is not your fault!! I personally don't think the D should be rushed. Mine was, he told me in Sept. he wanted D & expected it to be over by 12/31/07, H would accuse me of dragging my feet, but I'm sure the OW was rushing him. My D was finaly April 8, 2008, I'm not happy about it but really there was nothing I could do. I really tried to stop it but couldn't.

Just look at yellowrose, her H was gone for 2 years & now he is back & they are happier than before.

You hang in there & be strong!!!!

(((HUGS)))

[TwinDad]

I agree if you want to save your marriage, then by all means don't do the work for him. If he wants a D then have him do the dirty work.

I agree with NLT, talk to him when he comes by....not about the R, but just about his job or his apartment, etc. Small talk...tell him he looks good ....we love that too

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thanks you guys. H is actually coming over while I am at work - part of his avoidance strategy. I did leave a note for him - I got my perf eval at work and it was a good one. This is a job that I have had a lot of unhappiness abt - I was recruited for a pretty big promotion, had doubts abt it but took it anyway and regretted it almost fr day 1. I think my job stress is a big part of what came betw us in the last 2 yrs of M - but H always encouraged me to look at it dif and finally one day a yr ago something he said abt it "clicked". I still don't love the job, but have a much better attitude abt it - so I wrote him a thank you note on the back of the eval saying th any success I am having now is due to his support. I don't think this is "pursuing" - but even if it is, I am sick of my voice being silenced. I think I worded it ok. I also think saying thank you to H for his (past) support cannot be a bad thing.