Ok, I Really Don't Believe....

[hopeful4her]

For me, I think that the OM became an EA sometime around last July or August. Coming up on a year already. I believe it only became physical(sex) the first of last month. Still waiting to see if it is floundering, but can't tell. Since she is still at home, she can't see that the grass is NOT greener. From where she is standing, it still LOOKS greener to her, I think. All they get to have is the good stuff. Not the everyday life crap that life has to offer. She gets that with me. Bills, work, kids, responsibilities, pets, laundry, homework, teenagers, cooking, chauffering back and forth, home repairs, car repairs. For them, its talks on the phone, ILY's and lunches. Maybe a stolen weekend night once a month. Girls night out, you know.

[hopeful4her]

Oh yeah, and don't forget that he doesn't have to deal with illness's, moods, and her being on her period and her snoring.

Man, I may just keep going. Anyone else?

[karen43]

Oh yeah, and don't forget that he doesn't have to deal with illness's, moods, and her being on her period and her snoring.

Man, I may just keep going. Anyone else?

Ok, H4H, in my case and probably others: dysfunctional kids (OW's) and my H's world-record sloppiness! That's another thing; it's not just that our WAS are realizing the reality of the OP, but the OP is realizing the faults of our WAS too... Karen

[james85395]

I think there is truth to both arguments. My W had an affair for exactly 6M. She then ended the EA/PA and asked for a S to think things out. She moved back 3M later. I let DB slide after finding out about the A on X-mas eve when the OM sent me a letter about there R because he was jealous she was coming back to me. I have been passive-aggressive about her lack intimacy. Bottom line she fell out of love me several years ago (news to me) and has started up the EA again with OM a few weeks ago. This time she wants a D because she has put everything into the M and it still won't work. Bull sh@t . I think they are right that 6M is the time for the fantasy to wear off, but if there is also an EA especially with W then it is never fully over. Just waiting for the next opportunity to present itself when the M stumbles.

[hopeful4her]

Ok, H4H, in my case and probably others: dysfunctional kids (OW's) and my H's world-record sloppiness! That's another thing; it's not just that our WAS are realizing the reality of the OP, but the OP is realizing the faults of our WAS too... Karen

Karen, I see that you figured out the quote thing

We can only hope that they realize these things. The sooner the better.

[Frank V]

The six month thing is an average, thats all...no magical light flashes into everyone's head at the six month mark...the trend is such that most affairs end around the six month mark.

I would argue that if you separated that by gender you would find the affairs for men last shorter and the affairs of the women last longer than six months. Why? Because women are long term thinkers. Women have long term commitment on their mind more than men in most cases.

Men tend to be more fond of the shor term flings. Its likely men who are driving the numbers down and women are pulling them up.

Six months is just an average, I can pull out education, age, gender, and a variety of other variables to flip that six month point up or down. Its just statistics...you guys are reading to much into it.

We don't have to get into that, but my point is that this is just math, not some magical prophesy.

I can suggest the same with anything. How long does it take a green bananna to ripen into a yellow one? If I said most ripen within four days it is senseless to jump up and down screaming "my bananna has been ripening for five days and its still green!"

Guess what, that bananna is not the average, or the variables of the banannas environment are such that they vary from the norm.

Michele's point is clear in all her work. Use statistics to GUIDE GOOD HEALTHY relationships. Don't use them as prophesy to respond from negative instincts.

OK, so someone's affair lasted ten months instead of six. Yup, its gonna happen to some people. One out of every four drivers supposedly gets into a serious car accident too.

Lets all stop driving then! Lets be angry because we have been in TWO , or point out we know someone who has been in TWO seroius accidents.

Its just numbers, where any one individual falls on this line is variable and always will be.

YOU control the variables, YOU decide if you WANT to be a statistic. THAT's the part to focus on.

[Kimmie Lee]

Um, Mark, I was being sarcastic when I said my H's affair should be over in July.

And I realize that we should probably ignore the statistics, but DR is full of them. Which ones should I ignore?

[Frank V]

Ignore in the sense that its not constructive to be intimidated by them.

Statistics are great if you know how to appreciate them. But if you arne't used to working with statistics then there is a risk of misreacting to them. By that I mean taking the statistics to mean something that they don't.

A simple example is divorce rate : 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I COULD read that and think "why bother then? Its just a dice throw if you make it or not...i for one am gonna steer clear."

Or I could read that and realise. Wow, this isn't something easy to do, it means I will have to work hard, make sacrifices, and be ready to dig in when I feel like running away. Half of them make it, so it is possible.

I could take it either of the two ways above. Many would just hear the stats and think its not worth it..which the statistic itself does not indicate.

50% of marriages end in divorce doens't mean give up, or run because these things are common and eveyrone else you know is divorced.

It just as easily mean pay attention to your spouse OR you risk a divorce, put your marriage first OR you risk a divorce, don't put yourself in a situation where you may be unfaithful OR you risk divorce, research how to make marriages work OR you risk divorce.

Its up to your mood and imagination on how you absorb the data and use it.

[Starshyne]

When I hear that 50% of marriages end in divorce, I wonder how many of them were where both were wanting the divorce. I would guess that at least half of that number, one of the spouses was willing to work on things and not divorce in the first place.

[kat727]

They really should make it a law that you are required to go through counseling for a good six months before you can even get divorced. They should also ask the C if they believe a true effort was made. Make the jerk jump through hoops!
kat