One of the big issues my wife has with me is that she says she doesn't trust me. She thinks I am having an affair and she thinks I am stashing money away, neither one of which is true. Does any one have any advice on how to rebuild trust when separated. I have offered to pay for a PI and to have financial investigation done on myself. Do you think any of this would do any good? Since she doesn't trust me would you recommend not going "dim" or "dark"? This has been a very tough nut to crack even with DB
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Today and last night went pretty well. I had a few opportunities to show W that I could GAL. We texted last night and I was able to sebd her a couple PIX of the kids room that I decorated. I hadn't told her about it and I think she was impressed. THis morning she invited me to come over and we sepnt the morning and early afternoon together. There was a lot of talk about her not liking the house she is in (we were in a much nicer one when we were together) and her making sa career change (something she can't do without my help). There also seemed to be no tension between us. I played everything cool and even helped her work on ideas for her new business.
She also complained about having to do all this laundry and pick up the house. I did all of this when we were together (ok she was spoiled, but I love to spoil those that I love). Again I was cool just saying something like, yeah it can be a lot of work. I also didn't jump on any of her ideas other than be supportive.
We did have a bit of a crisis. My son left his pup-pup that he has had since he was born at the park, when I went to go find it, someone had taken it an left....ughhhh. We were both heartbroken over it. We were able to find something similar...but it still broke my heart when he said he wanted his other Pup-Pup.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
One of the big issues my wife has with me is that she says she doesn't trust me. She thinks I am having an affair and she thinks I am stashing money away, neither one of which is true. Does any one have any advice on how to rebuild trust when separated.
Why does she think such things? Does she give reasons for her suspicions? Is she normally distrustful? I don't think I have any suggestions, it just seems odd. You shldn't have to pay for an investigator on yourself. The $ issue shld be easy - just share the records th show where the $ go. Do a budget or spreadsheet or something. Is it a "real" accusation or just a smokescreen to cover up guilt over the Sep?
The affair issue - I don't know. I guess for me it wld depend on how you responded. For yrs I had no worries whatsoever. I always knew where H was and felt totally confident in his faithfulness. The time came when I felt less confident - we were on vacation w/ other couples and he paid little attn to me and more than usual to one of the other women. His reaction then and since when I asked him if there was something I shld know was angry and hostile - not the loving reassurance that wld allow a wife to drop her suspicions. How have you responded? Obviously, while sep your W will not know what you are doing or who with. Have you tried asking her what wld reassure her th you are still faithful and will continue to be?
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I actually brought up my bank account online and and let her run wild with it. She was convinced I was sending money to my mom. I told her I wish I could afdford to but I can't. I think you are right with regards to a smokescreen.
I have actually asked her, what do I need to do to re-earn your trust. The reply was something along the lines of I should have to ask and I have to want to make this work and I don't want to.
It is very frustrating, which is one of the reasons why I think she is in a MLC of some sort. It seems there can be no good explanation or reasoning.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
The last couple of days have been [retty good. The W went to a concert last night with her sister and texted me all through the night (unsolicited).
Today she texted me quite a bit and then wanted me to come over and spend the afternoon with her. We talked quite a bit. Mostly her talking about not having an easy time with the domestic stuff (laundry, and sitting down writing out checks). All I said was yeah and can be a pain and then said something along the lines that you fired your accountant (me). What was nice is that she opened up to me that she had been having panic attacks recently. I comforter her and encouraged her to call me if she was having them. We spent a good portion of the night curled up on the sofa very close. I think we made some progress. I kept my cool and and didn't push any R talks or anything along those lines. Tomorrow, we are having a BBQ at her house for friend and family. I think being th best friend has helped out a bit. I gopt very nice hug when I left this evening (check one off of my list)
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Yesterday was a very good day. We spent the whole day together and had friends and family over to her house for a BBQ. She often referred to the house as our house.....though the idea of it not being "our" house made me a bit sad.
She said a few things that peeked my interest but I played it very cool (either not saying anything at all or validating her)
She talked about us all moving away to a better part of the country to our friends and family
She later said that she was depressed about the house she was in, not being able to see the kids all of the time, and about us being separated.....she said the whole thing just sucks! I agreed with her and told her it was difficult for me to be heading home afterwork and realizing that I would not be going home to my kids. I pretty much left the R talk at that....though I took it as a good sign.
She also talked about us getting one of the houses that we looked at together before she got this one on her own. She asked what we would do with this one. All I said was we could either rent it or sell it.
That night she asked for a massage (I used to rub her back pretty much every night and give her a very good massage once a week). I said ok....and I actually massaged her into a sleep for a little bit.
When I was done she asked me if I was staying there or going back to my place. I asked if she wanted me to stay there and she made no response, so I stayed :-)
Note to self: act as if and act with confidence
Anyways, it was nice to spend the night with my W for the first time since S. The nice part is that she didn't hug the edge of her side of the bed and actually made contact with me a lot through the night :-)
Hopefully the pendulum doesn't swing the other way today. She goes back to work and I have noticed that the stress of her job usually manifests itself in our relationship.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Seems that you had a good day. It must have been nice to spend the day like old times. Maybe just maybe you might have chosen to go home though. I think next time you could ask her for a massage and see where that goes.
I don't think that little convo qualifies as R talk. You validated her and that's always a good thing.
I like your note to self! Can I borrow it?
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
oh and its a good thing that she didn't hug the edge of the bed. My H used to do that when he lived here. I swore he'd fall off if he moved any further to the damn edge.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Sure, you can use the note to self....I almost kicked myself afterwards. I really think she is starting to see what this whole separation thing is all about....particularly with kids. I think being apart from the kids is going to be difficult for her. She said she didn't want to be away from them that long. I asked her what did she suggest. She said that she keep them and I only get them every other weekend or something along those lines. I just shook my head and said sorry sweetie. I am just as much a paraent as you are (and I am fully involved Dad). I don't think this is a reason to change her mind but I think it might be enough to get her to think about just how hard she should work on our R as well.
I did teeter there for a minute or two about to stay or go and wanted to leave things on a good note for my week with the kids. It was actually very nice, she played cricket with my legs a few times through the night. Sounds silly, but is was better than having her hang on the side of the bed.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
What are you getting from your R. You seem to be a very giving guy and it seems hard to grasp but what are you getting? A R is give and take so what are you taking?
Sorry might be a bit harsh. But it's a valid question.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
