for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

:Hi, TwinDad - sorry you need to be here in DB land, but glad you found it. . . . My H is leaving the house to me, IMO, b/c he has just washed his hands of the whole thing - me, M, house, responsibility. He wants to be free, have no trouble, no conflict and doesn't want to be around me for more than 5 min. He knows I have hired my brother to do some repair work and has prob convinced himself (if he is thinking abt it at all) th I have all the help I need. The house isn't a disaster, but there are things that just have to be done when you have buyers coming thru - sweep out the basement, clean the garage, wash windows, that kind of thing. If he were here I know he wld work hard to get all of those things done, but I think it's just not on his radar now - out of sight, out of mind. I cld ask H to do some of it, but I have decided th I am going to ask for the bulk of the equity - I don't want to split it 50/50 b/c this isn't my choice and I am going to suffer financially as it is. I don't know if "you didn't lift a finger" gets me anywhere if there is an argument over the money, but I feel th I am at least on the higher ground. Maybe "doing it all myself" fuels my righteous indignation, too - a little bit.

A picnic sounds ace, I love picnics. Can you buy the tickets again and go with a friend/work colleague this time?

I thought abt it, but I think I need to come up w/ new things to do th don't have a negative memory attached. I may try to do some hiking this summer and to the lake more often.

I'm happy that the C sesion was a good one for you. It's always good to be able to talk about ourselves without feeling guilty that we are boring others

Sometimes I bore myself w/ all of this and th is when I actually appreciate C the most, b/c she can make it seem like where I am is to be expected under the circumstances, instead of me being emotionally stuck or immature - she says, in effect, well of course you are having a hard time. . . She's not encouraging me to wallow around in it, but she helps me feel normal.

do you have any expectations?

I don't know. . . . When I last texted H and he called to tell me abt the status of the case, I thought, well maybe he'll call next week after court and tell me abt it. But he didn't and I was disappointed, but not surprised - it was a wish or a hope, but was it an expectation?
Every w/e I am hurt all over again th he doesn't reach out - I think abt him so often and miss him all w/e. I don't really expect him to call or come over, but I wish he wld. Is it an expectation to wish th he wld react as I wld, th he wld miss me and want to connect - or is th just how abandonment feels?

Why not invite him over

Honestly, I don't really want to see him or have a convo w/ him unless he is making the move - I can't handle the rejection any more.

The good news this w/e is th I have made another new friend. I went to the divorce support grp last week - I had mixed feelings abt going, but did in the end and met this woman and she invited me over to her house today. So - it shows how imp it is to do GAL things even when you don't want to. This is a big deal for me - it is hard for me to connect w/ new people. I'm not a loner or anything, just shy. I do well in a work setting - I've been a trainer and facilitator, etc, but on a personal level, I hang back. I was even feeling shy abt returning her call! So, good growth for me and always good to get a new friend.

I don't usually initiate - so, I think my next GAL move is going to be to call another woman I met in the hospice class. If I keep this up, I shld be ready to reach out to men in a couple of yrs! I realized a few wks ago th I have not had any interest or connection at all w/ other men in the yrs of my M - no flirting, no cups of coffee, no lunches, nothing - all strictly business. Before, my work env had quite a bit of socializing and a lot of men around. I chgd jobs after M and just didn't have th contact anymore. I used to get a lot of male attn, now I feel sexless and one of my DB projects is to get th part of me back.