W and I piecing this M back together #2

[Rob1231]

Hi Lanzo, I really can appreciate where you are right now. Before getting into specifics, let me just remind you - Time and Patience. They got you this far, stick with it.

For whatever reason she had she stepped out of our M and ok now shes's returned, she's not even acknowledged any wrong doing.

Hmmm, I wonder. Yeah, she hasn't thrown herself at your feet and begged for forgiveness. (Geez, wouldn't that be nice? I honestly mean that!)

But from what you've said, she is still acting very guilty - even to the point of acting irrational about it. To me, it seems that even if you have forgiven her, she hasn't forgiven herself. My guess is that this would be a pretty tough thing to carry around inside yourself.

Right, I accept and deal with that, but her behaviour towards me now is still the same as it was before the bomb, the only thing going in our favour is I can see things and I react differently so we don't get back to those days, weeks even months of not talking.

Don't underestimate the power of what you just said! I can't remember if this idea came from MWD, Dr. Phil, or some other R guru, but I have always liked it. [i]A relationship, by definition, is the interaction of two people. And if one person changes their role in the R, the entire R must change as a result.

And guess what I can't even talk about it with W cos that's classed as raking up the past. Really now I see situations develop and they are like pre-planned ambushes, I now see that arguments we get into are set up. It's really weird cos now I see things and its not me it's all about W. Someone tell me I'm wrong.

You're not wrong - you nailed it exactly. It is all about W at this point - you've been doing some serious learning and growing to reach where you are, while she went spinning around in the crazy land of MLC. Now that she's coming out of that - well, she's got some serious catching up to do. It will take a while. And although you've set a good example for her, keep in mind that she has to learn to trust this path as she puts herself upon it.

So if W had come back and said lets wipe the slate clean and move forward ok I'm big enough to deal with it, gritt my teeth and get on with it, no need to look back just keep going forward. But to be faced with someone who has come back and wants to ignore any misdemeanours and then carry on exactly where they left off is hard to take. So as I've said before it's not about a full confession from W, it's not about begging for forgiveness or it's not having to pay penance for years and years. For me it would just be a simple "I'm sorry", then move forwards as an equal partner in the R. I'm not seeing any equal ness at the moment.

Even if that's what she wans to do, you W can't come to you and say "Let's wipe the slate clean". She can't believe it's that simple, and that forgiveness and new beginnings are that easy. (If she could, she would not have been off in MLC Land, right?)

I'm sorry if I sound a bit off at the moment but I see a person in front of me still consumed in their own self. I mean to have W say to me she doesn't know where I stand on our M really peed me off. And then out of the blue to accuse me of accusing her of planning to meet OM. (WTF, censored).

Anyway it feels like I'm swimming upstream at the moment, I probably need a long rest.

Lan

You seem to be seeing this pretty clearly, Lan. Now you just need to realize that this is how it works - no quick fixes at this stage either! Hang in there and try to give yourself and W some slack to keep making baby steps. I've said this before about my own sitch, there are no Big Hollywood Moments - the slow, steady path of DBing continues.