Thanks, thegoodfight, goingforward, and kat. I'm hanging in there this weekend. It's going ok.
stubborn, I see you made a new topic for this, but I will answer your question. I am reading: Not Just Friends, Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, After the Affair, Love the One You're With (fiction). I also have some books that I bought early on and never read that I am starting to peruse: Family First, Love Smart, Getting the Love You Want (has a workbook). I have also read the Mars and Venus book, and the Love Language book. I'm an big reader and this is one way I learn.
I am really trying to do what the books say about showing loving feelings by actions. The feelings are suppose to follow. I have to tell you that this is VERY hard because I am going on faith here. My heart and gut is making me feel like this won't work. I want my family SO BAD, though, that I will try EVERYTHING. I am even trying to MAKE myself positive because I don't want my negativity influencing the outcome either.
Mark- as usual, you are right. Please continue to remind me. I need to hear it over and over. This OM is NOT a good person, and my H is the most caring and understanding man ever. I have to remind myself that it is fantasy. This is so hard because the feelings are real. Please just keep reminding me. I know you must be getting frustrated hearing me continue to say these things.
Update: Yesterday, went to big park and hiked on beautiful trails, had a picnic by the lake, layed in the sun while S dug in the sand and played near water. We took pictures of us smiling together. H seems to be doing all the right things and I seem to be doing all the right things, but it still feels like something is missing. I have to admit that I thought at a couple of moments how everything would be so much more fun being with the OM. But, then the more I thought about it, I started thinking of some of the bad things OM would have done, too. This is new, and good. So, I didn't totally romanticize how it would have been like I normally would have. I guess that is some kind of progress. By the time we got home, I just wanted to relax. H let me do this...we did our own thing (he watch TV, and I read books).
Today, we are having my parents over for dinner so my day is busy with cleaning and preparing before they come. I like "family time". I have to remind myself that "family time" with H would be wayyyyyyy better than "family time" with OM. He would NOT have fit in with my family like my H does. NOrmally I would try not to compare, but since the OM does not fair well in this comparison, I will.
I posed a question for you, Sandi2 and anyone else who would like to comment over in MLC. Would appreciate any insights - but sounds like you will have a busy day.
Mark- as usual, you are right. Please continue to remind me. I need to hear it over and over. This OM is NOT a good person, and my H is the most caring and understanding man ever. I have to remind myself that it is fantasy. This is so hard because the feelings are real. Please just keep reminding me. I know you must be getting frustrated hearing me continue to say these things.
I am not even suggesting the OM is a monster, but simply that he is not demonstrating the maturity that a female should look for in a spouse. Particularly because you have a child to look out for, its important that the viable mate you select demonstrate maturity for a long term relationship.
The OM encouraging you to have an affair, sneaking around with you in private, lying to your husband, possibly phoning your home and hanging up...compare all this to your husband's maturity right now...who fares better as a viable mate for you and your son?
The OM MAY grow to be the mate someone needs...SOME DAY, but right now he's not even close. And your husband is already there, and he's the natural father of your son...your husband will protect your child with more earnest than the OM would, it a biological necessity for him. Just look for a viable mate who is demonstrating the maturity to survive a long term relationship. The OM was/maybe still is trashing a private home at a delicate time.
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
I have to admit that I thought at a couple of moments how everything would be so much more fun being with the OM. But, then the more I thought about it, I started thinking of some of the bad things OM would have done, too. This is new, and good. So, I didn't totally romanticize how it would have been like I normally would have. I guess that is some kind of progress.
Yes this is exactly what you will start to see more of if you keep the effort up. It will be a gradual shift, you have to just keep going. Gradually the wall to the OM will come up even more, and the window to your husband will open wider for you. It took a long time to move your husband OUT of your romantic thoughts and the OM IN..it will take time to shift things back again to their rightful place.
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
I have to remind myself that "family time" with H would be wayyyyyyy better than "family time" with OM. He would NOT have fit in with my family like my H does. NOrmally I would try not to compare, but since the OM does not fair well in this comparison, I will.
If this thought brings you further from OM and closer to your husband then its a healthy activity. Keep it up, you are doing great.
To me, the most important thought in moving past OM is to keep reminding myself -- this is my decision. I thought about it, and I have made my choice. Perhaps you need to remind yourself of why you made that decision.
lost- I will read your sitch....If it is in this forum I will keep checking on it. I'm horrible about checking other forums...no time.....
Mark- Thanks for your encouragement. I am really trying, and right now I have good moments and bad moments. It can only get better.
Today was an ok day.....and it should have been more than ok. H and I took S to a parade in town (S had behavior problems which tainted that time), then went trying to find something at 5 different stores and came back home with nothing. Barely any conversation with H during this whole time. Why can't we talk? Why don't I want to touch him? I just need to do it myself even though I don't feel it. It sounds so easy to do, but I can't get myself to do much of it. I have to realllly force myself. I just don't have the desire. But, like Sara said, it is my choice.
Last night, parents came over. I had a lot of fun, and so did H but he barely talked...... in fact many of the little things he did was ticking me off. Why is that?
Loving actions create loving feelings. Think of it this way, if you were doing needlework. When you first start it is something to do just kind of there, but the more time and attention you put into the more you begin to love the peice. So it is with your spouse. Start with small gestures and as you do this more and more the jestures will become bigger and less forced.
You are such a wonderful person and I have complete faith in you. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If it works go with it! I wish you well, but I am sure you will make it in the end! Just keep your focus and don't beat yourself up when you have a few setbacks or a couple bad days...
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
