Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

I'm up at our (my) house in the Adirondacks this weekend, with H, Ds and one of D's friends. It is absolutely gorgeous here, as it always is. I've been coming up here since I was born and right now this house, this place feels like the one thing that has remained constant in my life.

H is more remote than ever. I feel like I am alone. He does anything to distract himself from my existence--looks for birds through his binoculars, reads, gardens. I feel very lonely. Yesterday I went for a walk alone and cried.

I have so many memories of H and I up here in happier times. Does he? Has he reduced everything to nothing but negatives?

Grace, meditation is a good idea. I have a CD of the Dalai Lama chanting which I listen to sometimes at bedtime. I seem to need something to focus my mind like that. Being up here is also very good for my soul. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

I have been pretty good at DBing and am hoping to keep it up. I've stopped myself from making snarky comments several times (for example, H asked me if I wanted an ice cube to make my white wine colder and I wanted to say "or you could just hold the glass next to your heart. That would chill it." But I didn't!)

I have agreed to go to the mediator with him next week, too, though it's killing me to think about that.