MrsH, If JA will not agree to having you move, I would have your new L make things difficult for him as far as a settlement and visitation goes.
JA has WAY too much freedom about when he picks up the kids and then drops them off. Set definitive times and if he goes beyond the scheduled drop off time he will be held in contempt of court.
When H and I went to court, it was going to be written in our decree times of pick/up and drop off of the kids...holidays and vacations. It was going to be precise and unwaivering unless somewhere down the line I chose to allow him more time.
These are the things JA is taking advantage of and it did not seem to be a big deal to your L. Express to your new L what he is doing and you expect it to stop immediately.
Snodderly, I haven't seen you around, I hope everything is ok.
I am really not doing so well.
I feel like I am sinking into a deep depression.
I feel like I am stuck in a black hole and I see no way out.
According to this L that I had a consultation with, I need to throw everything out the window that the 2 previous lawyers told me.
After 20 thousand dollars spent so far in legal fees, I am back at square one.
JA seems to be getting his way with everything.
I feel like I am losing everything.
Yes, I will have my 2 boys, but the way things are going, I will be living in poverty.
I won't be able to afford to go back to school and I will be stuck in this neck of the woods dealing with JA's bullshit.
I am also missing my H today, not the JA he currently is. I miss being a family.
I hate how this ow just comes into our lives and helps destroy everything and gets everything in the end too.
I hate her.
I hate the person he is now.
I just feel like nobody understand the pain I am in. Especially not my family.
They just thought I was naive all along for wanting my H back. Now they think I am totally over him but I am not. But I am too afraid to tell them I am not because then I will have to hear lectures from them how he is gone and not coming back ever.
How the h^ll did we go from basically living the American Dream to this?
It hurts knowing that he hates me so much and that I mean NOTHING to him.
He is going to do his damndest to win and something tells me he is gonna win too.
Mrs H No, you are the winner here you walk away with inner growth, wisdom,integrity, honesty, love he walks away broken, ashamed, apart from God
you will be taken care of hold on to your faith The OW did not get the prize and she too will walk away broken as how could she live with herself..our souls always know and there is no escape except to do the right things which they are clearly not embrace your grief.. one step back 3 steps forward peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
MrsH, I am so sorry you are hurting so much. As you know my h is horrible to me too, but because my children are grown I do not have to interact with him. It helps me to think of him as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He was Dr Jekyll and now Mr Hyde has fully come out and dominates Dr J.
I used to hate the OW, and sometimes I still do, but more and more I have come to fully see how sad and needy they both are, and how they are living a half life, believing themselves happy.
Being the emotional rock for your children is crucial. You will not be in poverty all of your life. Think of all of the people who arrive in the US with nothing and make it. It is a great country full of opportunities, and you are blessed to be born there, warts and all.
I have been at this a long time, like you, and like you I miss my old life, but what if you h hadn't had an affair, and just stayed at home being a self obsessed idiot, controlling you and being mean. The OW is not causing this, as you know. She is a symptom. If he was truly in love he would be happy and fulfilled, and trying to make life as easy for you as possible. His guilt, shame and unahppiness are drivig this horrible behaviour.
I got stuck in traffic yesterday with a friend and she was telling me about having been abused, and that this turned her into a control freak for the longest time, until she realised why. Your h has all the hallmarks of an abused person, and is pitiable It sin't very nice bullying and dominating the mother of his children, and I imagine that he doesn't feel very good about himself a lot of the time. Like many abusers a bit of him longs to stop, but he isn't ready to admit he has a problem
But I am more concerned about you. Think of this as Ground Zero. The worst thing that could happen is that you have to live in poverty. If you have to live in poverty for a few years you might learn from it. That sounds absolutely callous, I know, but God WANTS us to learn lessons. I am now so grateful for what I have, rather than focusing on what I do not have. And when that happens, after a time, other things start pouring into your life. Have faith that you will be OK. It is tough when others think we are OK, and we know we are not, but you are obviously doing a fantastic job of faking it. Well done you. Depression is normal after a shock, and in dealing with a very damaged person on a regular basis - but try and get some free counselling/therapy. Even if it is group therapy. When we surrender control and give it to God, after a time, our life starts moving forward in mysterious ways. It took me the longest time to grasp this, and even now I have periods of doubt.
After the divorce youwill have an agreed schedule of visitation. Stick to it, and you need not have any interaction with JA. None at all.
If youlive in an apartment you will not actually die, and your boys will only suffer as much as you allow it. Many children are brought up in an apsrtment. It wont be amatter of pride to your h that he has reduced his wife and children to poverty. And you will find ways of getting back to school.
I am sorry if I sound unsympathetic - I am not at all, because I have walked in your shoes. ALl I am saying is that you will cope, it will get better, and you will see that good can come out of all of this, truly.
There is a great book which might help you called 'How to Get What you want and want what you have' by John Gray [the Mars and Venus guy. The first few chapters put me off a ibt, but the sections on dealing with emotinal blocks, and understand our negative feelings are SO helpful. It isn't expensive, and I strongly recommend it. With love and hugs,
