Thank you all. I'm just starting to panic & was feeling hopeful.
He graduates in 7 wks then comes back here to clear housing and go to his new duty station while the kids and I go to live in section 8 housing in a less than desireable neighborhood & I go to work full time while my kids lose not only their father but their very involved, attentive mother as well. I am so scared. I am generally a very strong woman but this one, a drastic reduction in the quality of life for my children, has me sick to my stomach and lethargic.
If anyone has a copy of DR that they aren't using, I really need it. I tried ordering it but my card was declined. Couldn't find it at the bookstore or used bookstore and have very little money.
I'm really sorry. I know that it has got to be a very scary position for you. Just this once I'm going to withhold any advice and just give sympathy. It's the reality of what you are going through that really makes me hate this whole process. No one should have to be a single parent, but it isn't your fault. I know it doesn't help.
I guess I'll give one piece of advice and it isn't about saving marriages. Make sure legally that your H is obligated to provide for the kids. You need to get your legal ducks in a row so he pays his child support. I don't know what his job is, but since you said "duty station", I'm pretty sure it's a job where paying his child support is unavoidable.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I just wish I didn't feel so lethargic. I force myself to go through the motions but inside, this lethargy is making me feel "vacant". It actually may just be exacerbated by something as simple as diet right now. I don't eat much anymore but drink a lot of espresso.
Went to a new therapist yesterday. Haven't been to one during this whole ordeal. Loved her. Finally, a safe place where I can let it all out and not be wonder woman for anyone. She gave me "homework" and that was to be as unavailable to him as possible right now. She said that he takes for granted that I'm always there for him when he needs something or feels lonely but doesn't share the responsibilities or give much in return. This "homework" has more than one useful purpose. It's forcing me to focus on other things, keep busy, do things with friends and the kids. It's weird...even though it's such a simple, no-brainer tactic, it is freeing to be given "permission" to not be there for him. Most contact with him recently leaves my "love bank" in the red.
Talking with the C made me face up to just how dysfunctional our marriage was for most of the 7 yrs. Without a doubt, it was a love/hate marriage. Reminds me of that old nursery rhyme: "there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. AND WHEN SHE WAS GOOD, SHE WAS VERY GOOD. BUT WHEN SHE WAS BAD, SHE WAS HORRID". That's how our marriage was/is. I know that with patience and tenacity and both of us working at it, we can apply some solid principles and train ourselves to do what is necessary. But there are SO many horrible memories, primarily emotional abuse on both our parts, some physical and verbal. And then there are the other women. Mostly, they were online or on the phone but towards the end, he was actively seeking someone to take his mind off of me so that he could get the courage to leave, once and for all. In one i.m. I read from him to a girl he met on myspace and then hooked up with nearby said, "I want to and I need to leave but my wife is so beautiful and when things are going well, it's great. Then when I try to leave, I always come back shortly after. I'm hoping that this time away (going off to school) will make it stick."
There is so much wrong with our marriage. Is love enough? Is it really best for the kids? Can 7 yrs of a vicious cycle be broken? I'm trying to think logically and I'm trying to be hopeful but...
I want to believe the best, I really do. But am I being naive and in denial?
(just made myself a great salad with mixed greens and grilled chicken and I feel much better! go figure. lol)
I just wish I didn't feel so lethargic. I force myself to go through the motions but inside, this lethargy is making me feel "vacant". It actually may just be exacerbated by something as simple as diet right now. I don't eat much anymore but drink a lot of espresso.
Went to a new therapist yesterday. Haven't been to one during this whole ordeal. Loved her. Finally, a safe place where I can let it all out and not be wonder woman for anyone. She gave me "homework" and that was to be as unavailable to him as possible right now. She said that he takes for granted that I'm always there for him when he needs something or feels lonely but doesn't share the responsibilities or give much in return. This "homework" has more than one useful purpose. It's forcing me to focus on other things, keep busy, do things with friends and the kids. It's weird...even though it's such a simple, no-brainer tactic, it is freeing to be given "permission" to not be there for him. Most contact with him recently leaves my "love bank" in the red.
Talking with the C made me face up to just how dysfunctional our marriage was for most of the 7 yrs. Without a doubt, it was a love/hate marriage. Reminds me of that old nursery rhyme: "there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. AND WHEN SHE WAS GOOD, SHE WAS VERY GOOD. BUT WHEN SHE WAS BAD, SHE WAS HORRID". That's how our marriage was/is. I know that with patience and tenacity and both of us working at it, we can apply some solid principles and train ourselves to do what is necessary. But there are SO many horrible memories, primarily emotional abuse on both our parts, some physical and verbal. And then there are the other women. Mostly, they were online or on the phone but towards the end, he was actively seeking someone to take his mind off of me so that he could get the courage to leave, once and for all. In one i.m. I read from him to a girl he met on myspace and then hooked up with nearby said, "I want to and I need to leave but my wife is so beautiful and when things are going well, it's great. Then when I try to leave, I always come back shortly after. I'm hoping that this time away (going off to school) will make it stick."
There is so much wrong with our marriage. Is love enough? Is it really best for the kids? Can 7 yrs of a vicious cycle be broken? I'm trying to think logically and I'm trying to be hopeful but...
I want to believe the best, I really do. But am I being naive and in denial? Is the age difference an insurmountable obstacle?
(just made myself a great salad with mixed greens and grilled chicken and I feel much better! go figure. lol)
To figure out what made the good times good, and what made the bad times bad. And to stop them from getting bad. To break those cycles! To break the bad habits - in the M, in your friendships, with your blood family, even at work - the DB principles apply universally.
So, what was different when things were good? What triggered bad times? Focus on things you can change, then start working on them! Journal them here, set some goals. Ask us to keep you on track if you need to.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Like me, you do have options. As a military member, he will be forced to meet his obligation--the MILPERS manual ensures that. You MUST go to his command if you are facing such an abject change in circumstances. I was fortunate in that H's father jumped in and set him straight right off that bat about the finances an his obligations. Does not sound like you are that fortunate. You have the evidence of the A. The command will take action against him if there is proof, and especially if it also involves anothe military member. If things have been that awful, especially with physical abuse occuring, you need to call toe command to protect yourself and the children. He has made it patently obvious that he is not willing to uphold his obligations, otherwise you would not be facing the housing situation you are. As everyone told me, if you guys do work things out, he will truly understand that you were simply trying to protect the kids' best interests.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I don't want to contact the chain of command about the affair. Not that I am shy about addressing them (much to my husbands' dismay, I have never had a problem going to command if he's not flying right). But I have to keep my children's well being first and foremost. I totally believe that this new relationship is going to be short lived (based on what I know about him). I do not want to affect his career long term. I have to think about child support and medical insurance. The longer he's in, the higher the rank, the more money he makes.
The physical abuse is a past issue and not as prevalent as the emotional abuse. In all honesty, I would be considered the one most guilty of physical abuse towards him. I have be known to hurl dishes (or whatever was the closest thing to me when I was at my breaking point) or lunge at him, claws out, when he would get mad and say I was stupid, etc. I have a tendency to yell when I'm mad, too (at whoever). He's done his share but definitely, I was the most physical of the two of us. It would build up and he'd push and push and then I'd snap. And my mouth....yeah, big problem there. I've always been small and my mom says that I learned early on to use my mouth as a weapon. I have definitely perfected my skill with it, too. But like a counselor told me years ago....the survival tactics I NEEDED to use as a child are no longer necessary but when I get scared or frustrated or feel helpless, subconsciously I resort to what I know.
I'm reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" by Dr. Harley and *wow* light bulbs are going off left and right in my head. Over the years, I have been quick to point out the crappy things my husband does or has done but have neglected to REALLY face up to the damaging things/habits/behaviors of my own. I have justified them as being more "socially acceptable" but didn't realize how much they were making my husband's "love bank" go in the red. It has been a "catch 22" of sorts....like which came first, the chicken or the egg?
However, his inconsistency with support is unacceptable. Every month since he moved out, I don't know what I'll have to work with. It usually averages out to be between $300-350 per month (on the 1st). He's supposed to be taking care of my van payment and our joint car insurance. But he hasn't paid the van payment in months. The loan company told me (but not him, because they know our situation) that they won't repo a vehicle on a military base, they'll just charge it off but it will affect the soldier's security clearance. One day recently when they contacted him, he didn't have the money so he called me to see if I knew what we could do. I told him that I didn't have any money and he got such an attitude with me that day and got pretty belligerent, cutting me down, etc. and going on and on about his security clearance and he won't be able to graduate with honors, etc. Well, sparky, not my problem. You should have thought about that when you spitefully stopped the loan allotment in December. I think a big reason why he left was because he wanted to force me to get a job because he didn't want to share his (small) paycheck anymore. I'm not in a position to get a job that will make any kind of positive financial difference. Also, I think he's a coward.
You do no have to reveal the A to the command if you do not want to, but the finances are something that can be addressed without having it really affect his career. At most, they will order him into financial counseling.
I think I may have had a breakthrough of sorts tonight with my H, but am not really sure. Trying to pull my thoughts together so I can get it posted.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
