Hi guys, I have another post but this is pretty specific. I go through times of such high hopes thinking that maybe I can turn this around; and then I start to doubt myself. I broke down and sent my H a text message last night. I KNEW I needed to leave him be unless he contacted me but honestly, sometimes I DON'T know what to do. I freak out because I think "maybe I was too cold when we talked last" or "I should've done/said something different". Do you find that when you first start DB'ing that it's more difficult doing those 180's than you thought? What are some good ways I can really show my H that I'm not clinging on to him but that I'm also not trying to push him away? He's made reconcilliation attempts before but then changes his mind or pushes me away and I'm left scratching my head. How did you guys really get to the bottom of your "more of the same" behaviors? HELP!
The problem is that you are too intent on showing your husband stuff and too worried about whether you were too harsh, etc. It's the mindset that one little thing is going to make or break your chances. Your focus is in the wrong place. It needs to be on what you are doing. Keep working to make your own life as good as possible, without him, and maybe he'll want to share it. Quit looking to him to validate what you are doing. If you've made changes for the better, and are happy with who you are, you can only be patient and see if he notices. He needs to feel that you don't need him...maybe don't even want him. Why do you think that so many guys that are kicked to the curb chase like crazy?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thank you! That "one little thing" worry of mine is a good point. The truth is, there was a brief time (NOW I'M REMEMBERING!) Very brief...that I was truly willing to let him go in my own heart. I didn't have to say anything, I guess it just reflected in my actions. I wasn't resigned so much as I just told myself "this is the way it is". I am glad you got my memory churning. I could've critiqued myself during that time and found lots of things I'd probably think might push him away but in reality,his decisions I'm sure are made long before I do one little thing or another. I like what you said about not focusing on HIS actions, but mine. This I can do. I've just been through so much lately I FEEL like the weakest person in the world, but I'm not, I'm very strong; and I guess I need to start believing that myself before I can expect him to. THANKS AGAIN!
Hi everyone, I tried the "change anything" method yesterday with surprising results. I thought that I needed to "go dark" completely but decided that I'd try an experimental call to the H with a different "medium" and just change some of the things about how I interacted. Although I did want to stay away from calling H during my time away; I thought I'd change things a bit about the circumstances of my calling just to see what would happen. I called during the day and left an upbeat message and casually mentioned I'd be in town in a couple of weeks. Normally I would have sounded pitiful, annoyed, distraught or distant but I forced myself to "act as if". Later that evening, he called me back. I did the same routine and stayed in the moment "as if" all was fine. H commented he'd be off that day and my coming over to see my dogs was "fine". I kept the conversation short, showed some interest in him ("how's your personal training going?") but not overly so. I then got off the phone without any "I miss you's" or "I love you's". I realized the key to my communication with him seemed to be to not appear like the victim anymore. I think I'm finally getting it. I just hope when I get back into town on June 2 that I'll project the same attitude in person. I have a coaching session with a DB coach on the 27th so hopefully I'll have some tools to make some real changes. How am I doing?
No, no affair as far as I am aware. I have in the past suspected maybe an EO and I think he played around with the idea of an affair (going on a dating website last summer), but he still wears his ring and is pretty insistent he's not. I have to really bite my tongue where that's concerned because when you are the one left behind you are suspicious of everything!
Got it! I did want to share on more little "ledge" I stepped out on and get some feedback (you guys are so good at this). I had been thinking a lot about how my H had tried to reach out to me in the past few months and also about how when he did I would say no with the added lecture about how he couldn't "have it both ways" and he needed to "make up {his} mind"...so...my 180 for that was to send him an email. Again, I have been in the habit of "going dark" lately but in the wrong way. I'd either go to the other extreme and not give it enough time, or I'd be downright rude about it. This is what I did today: I sent H an email that was just friendly and to the point. I said I'd been thinking and just wanted to apologize for being so intent on my own desires to be his wife that I forgot how to be his friend. I kept the email light and tried not to get too deep into how I was feeling, in fact, I just focused on how I empathized with how "rough" it must be for H ! I then said that we could officially "wipe the slate clean" and that I had no desire nor did I see any need to revisit the past, and that my "friendship is still here". I felt a little weird about it, because I've never really sent him emails that didn't invite more OR talks, but I thought since it was so very the opposite of the norm., that I'd be okay. I figured if he didn't respond then I'd at least know I'd smoothed things over a bit. I know in DB the book, it says we must make our actions take precedence over our words but I was going by the any change is good method too. I also called this morning because I forgot to ask about what time he prefered I stopped by. That call I probably should've saved for later but I was putting my schedule on my calender at the moment. I figured that if I truly wasn't concerned with him coming back or not, the call would've been no big deal, so I try to keep that mind set. That being said though, I think I will now try to "lay low" until my visit. THANKS FOR READING!
Update, the email was obviously big flop. H never replied and I'm back at square one. Funny how in changing whatever I could I ended up doing more of the same; which was to come across over eager. It's so hard to be patient. REJECTION. I hate it. Any thoughts on how to recover from this one folks?
Sorry to hear that debbie. You might want to post things here first before you actually do it to get advise. After you posted, it did sound like a little much.
This happens. I do it all the time. Just Friday, after a run in with my WW, I felt like I was back to square one. VERY disheartening. But each day is a new day and you find renewed strength.
I know I do. You will too.
I would have posted earlier, but like I said, things have been a little crazy with my sitch.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
