Hello. I want to know if I should go ahead and file.
My husband left me 5 years ago. In that time we have maintained contact, although it is mostly on his terms, (ie he calls me). Our co-parenting seems to go pretty well especially with our youngest who was 16 when he moved out.
He left saying he was looking for a romantic love. He felt we had married too young and that he had missed out on a lot of things. I was devastated, but managed to stop begging and pleading about a year after he left.
He has dated, and been in one long term (year) relationship, of which I know nothing about other than he was with someone. I,on the other hand, have tried to go out and build a new life, with new friends, and experiences, not always as completely as possible, but better than before.
Our finances are still joint. We share discussions about college payments and bills, and he has never withheld money from me. But there is no plan in place for savings at this time. ONly the retirement fund.
He has an apartment in the city, I continue to live in the house in the suburbs. When he first left, I would hear from him almost every day, then every 3 days, now it's down to once a week, more or less. When our daughter is not at home we might see each other every 4-6 weeks.
I'm wondering if I should go ahead and file. Is there any hope of reconciling, given the lack of contact, after 5 years?
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
Thats a hard question. There is always hope. I would be tempted to say don't file but only you know the answer. You have waited 5 years is there a reason you now feel the need to change the status quo. Do you love your husband. Does he show any feelings for you. The usual tips about getting the books etc. Have you had any MC. I do know that some people live separate lives and remain married. Do you ever have conversations about your relationship. Is it because you are Catholics that you have not filed. Sorry about all the questions it just helps "us" to get a better picture. Why did he leave in the first place would be a good place to start. I am sorry you are here but you will certainly get plenty of help. Take care
I waited the first two years after he left, because I hoped that he would see that the grass wasn't really greener. The last three have been because neither of us wants to go through the expense of a divorce. We have talked about it, and were going to get a mediator, but then we had a month where first my son, then my daughter, and then I required hospitalization. And everything got put on hold and I have never brought it up again.
I do love my husband. I'm trying to understand why he left. He had several EAs before he left, but (according to him) they were never PAs. However, I'm wondering if I'm loving an idealized version of my husband, as I really do not know him these days.
We were going through some stressful situations (raising teenagers) and I was significantly depressed for a long time before seeking help. I think all of that contributed to his feeling that he had "settled" and led to his withdrawing from the marriage and the family. I am much better now, and can see where my depression contributed to so much in the dynamic of the relationship.
Since he left he has been very kind, courteous, and has told me that he will always "care" about me and that he is sorry he cannot love me as I want him to. I think it's mostly guilt that motivates him to stay in limbo. But I don't know that for certain, because we don't talk about the relationship.
We are not Catholic, but I do view marriage as a "lifetime commitment" and maybe that motivates me to not file yet.
I don't know if I want to file, I'm only wondering if I should. I would prefer to try to find a way to attract his attention again and rekindle some things. Maybe it's too late, though.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
"I would prefer to try to find a way to attract his attention again and rekindle some things. Maybe it's too late, though."
Hi,
I believe that filing for divorce will attract his attention! I can't say that he will go completely nuts and do a 180, but:
1. Won't it feel so much better if you are the one initiating the divorce instead of him one day eventually?
and
2. You're not getting on with your life, and that is not attractive. Casually mentioning to him that you hope he doesn't mind but you are going to file the divorce papers, may get a reaction.
When he asks why? you can say oh well the men I will date will be very uncomfortable with me still being married.
A couple of questions:
have you dated anyone in the five years he has been gone?
have you and he had sex in the five years he has been gone?
just a side note here...you mentioned being hospitalized...do you have health insurance through your H?...If so how would your life change without it?...something to consider because many women have their health insurance because of H's job and when the divorce happens this is one thing they didn't plan on!
Hi Tink and imLIN, thanks for your replies. I do have my own health insurance, and I work full time. I believe my economic situation would change slightly (for the worse) his would change significantly for the worse, for the short term, but he would soon recoup his losses.
I have not dated anyone in the five years, because I'm separated and haven't felt like pursuing anything and he and I have not had sex in those 5 years.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
You need to get out. You have put your LIFE on hold for him and that is very unattractive.
Focus on yourself. Get a make-over, get new clothes and join some kind of activity group where you meet other single people your age and go have fun!
And let him know you are filing for divorce. And then do it.
You need to live for yourself because if he never comes back you will have a wonderful life!
And if he does come back, it will only be when you have a life for YOURSELF, and he senses you are no longer waiting around for him, and maybe, even if he wanted you now, he couldn't have you. Because THAT's attractive.
Thanks Tink! I did the makeover not long after he left, and I am involved in lots of groups. Just not dating. I sing and I'm in a hiking group, a wine tasting group, a poetry study class. I've made lots of friends and I do lots of things without him. But you may be right, filing may be the one thing that makes him take notice.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
