I just wish I didn't feel so lethargic. I force myself to go through the motions but inside, this lethargy is making me feel "vacant". It actually may just be exacerbated by something as simple as diet right now. I don't eat much anymore but drink a lot of espresso.
Went to a new therapist yesterday. Haven't been to one during this whole ordeal. Loved her. Finally, a safe place where I can let it all out and not be wonder woman for anyone. She gave me "homework" and that was to be as unavailable to him as possible right now. She said that he takes for granted that I'm always there for him when he needs something or feels lonely but doesn't share the responsibilities or give much in return. This "homework" has more than one useful purpose. It's forcing me to focus on other things, keep busy, do things with friends and the kids. It's weird...even though it's such a simple, no-brainer tactic, it is freeing to be given "permission" to not be there for him. Most contact with him recently leaves my "love bank" in the red.
Talking with the C made me face up to just how dysfunctional our marriage was for most of the 7 yrs. Without a doubt, it was a love/hate marriage. Reminds me of that old nursery rhyme: "there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. AND WHEN SHE WAS GOOD, SHE WAS VERY GOOD. BUT WHEN SHE WAS BAD, SHE WAS HORRID". That's how our marriage was/is. I know that with patience and tenacity and both of us working at it, we can apply some solid principles and train ourselves to do what is necessary. But there are SO many horrible memories, primarily emotional abuse on both our parts, some physical and verbal. And then there are the other women. Mostly, they were online or on the phone but towards the end, he was actively seeking someone to take his mind off of me so that he could get the courage to leave, once and for all. In one i.m. I read from him to a girl he met on myspace and then hooked up with nearby said, "I want to and I need to leave but my wife is so beautiful and when things are going well, it's great. Then when I try to leave, I always come back shortly after. I'm hoping that this time away (going off to school) will make it stick."
There is so much wrong with our marriage. Is love enough? Is it really best for the kids? Can 7 yrs of a vicious cycle be broken? I'm trying to think logically and I'm trying to be hopeful but...
I want to believe the best, I really do. But am I being naive and in denial? Is the age difference an insurmountable obstacle?
(just made myself a great salad with mixed greens and grilled chicken and I feel much better! go figure. lol)
