Thanks Karen... I got that one from Joyce Meyer. A series she has called "Pressing Through" or "Pressing on" or something like that. I had not listened to much of her before but borrowed a series from family at one point.... it just nailed me for where I was at.
"through" rather than "from" really expresses something that I feel but have been unable to put into words
Delib... ya, ditto for me. As I mentioned to Karen... it is not original... I borrowed from a teaching by Joyce Meyer.
Another point she makes that just rocked my world was this... she was helping someone get through something and asked the person why she did not move forward in what she knew she had to do.
"Because I am scared" was the reason for not doing whatever it was.
Joyce's advice, "Why don't you just do it scared"?
This blew me away. I had spent so much of my hell-period giving in to fear and pain. I would avoid doing things that I really should do to because to do so would bring on tremendous fear or pain.
So I borrowed Joyce Meyers' advice and began saying to myself "I am going to do this thing scared/hurt". Then just started doing it. Two amazing things happened:
1. It was never as scary or painful as my anticipation led me to think it would be. 2. The thing, whatever it was, got done. And I felt absolutely amazing as a result. Small successes started adding up to bigger ones. A new belief in myself started to grow. I led with my actions, not my feelings. I did things scared and hurt constantly. I couldnt believe the results. The fear or pain did not kill me, they made me stronger.
I began to be freed from the imobilizing fear that once had me confined to a frozen state of depression and anxiety. Unable to do anything. Which was uncharacteristic for me having been a very active person most of my life.
Anyway... that is part of my journey THROUGH. The fact that I went through and not FROM is part of why I have something to share here today. And I know many just like me who are going through. Funny.... after years of accepting this type of a journey.... I am actually starting to enjoy it.
Today I had to follow my own advice. I had to "do some thing hurt".
While thing do indeed get better as time passes by after a divorce, there are still a lot of painful moments. My ex is very uncommunicative with regards to our kids. Well in regards to pretty much everything really, but the painful part is a lack of communication regarding the kids.
It feels as if avoidance of communication is her main control mechanism. Kids are mainly in her care because of my work schedule and proximity to their school. When I do have them for a weekend, there is no opportunity for any discussion or co-decision-making or co-parenting. She simply informs me what she has lined up for the kids and turns them over.
No opportunity for me to give input or factor in my parameters for the weekend. I tell you it stings. To feel so freakin powerless over my own parenting. If I try to establish dialogue, she avoids, gets angry, resents, or just shuts down. Countless people have promted her to be more communicative. If they press too hard, she writes them off too and avoids. She just doesnt care.
I spent tens of thousands in legal fees to get to where we are at and unless I want to spend thousands more, I just have to learn to accept it and work around it.
If ever there was a time for surrender, this is it.
Divorce, the gift of pain that keeps giving for a long, long time.
Dont get me wrong, there is much that is going right and much to be grateful for. There are just these painful moments. Still. After 5+ years. All so "She" could be "happy". This was all for her and the OM. Nobody else in this whole situation got what they wanted but them. Kids, families, friends, me.... we all paid for it for her. Financially and emotionally. Divorce of this nature is a hideous thing.
Divorce, the gift of pain that keeps giving for a long, long time.
Dont get me wrong, there is much that is going right and much to be grateful for. There are just these painful moments. Still. After 5+ years. All so "She" could be "happy". This was all for her and the OM. Nobody else in this whole situation got what they wanted but them. Kids, families, friends, me.... we all paid for it for her. Financially and emotionally. Divorce of this nature is a hideous thing.
Chaz,
I am right there with you. I totally understand. I pray you are having a better day today.
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Yes Brave.... you are right. One can always find something to be grateful for and I am. It is a funny thing... being honest about one's own pain and avoiding self-pity. Delicate balance.
Gratitude, I believe, helps us stay balanced. I have learned to be honest about my pain, talk about it, ask questions about it, feel it, accept it, then let it pass.
Self-pity would involve too much talk , too much writing, not enough acceptance, little to no gratitude for what is going right, and finally... hanging onto the problem and reliving it over and over.
To me, it is an important distinction. I have seen a lot of people go one way and get caught in self-pity. And others go the other way and deny their pain and never effectively deal with it. Usually referred to as stuffing it.
A counselor I see teaches that in order to let something go, one has to first embrace it. Meaning that if one cannot admit that the situation hurt (for whatever reason right/wrong, good/bad), they have little to no chance of releasing it.
So ya.... I am grateful to have another parent for my kids as well as a new spouse who helps me with working with my ex. At same time, I am honest about what does hurt. That way, I find I have an effective way through the pain manturely and effectively.
Dode.... your prayers are appreciated and I am happy to say that they were answered. I had an awesome weekend with my kids. Some challenging moments but overall it was fantastic.
I know I experessed a lot of pain and sadness in my last post. I do this to be honest about where I am at. Experience has taught me, and I was trying to hold onto the belief that... "This too will pass"... and it did. Frankly, as far as I can remember since living a more emotionally recovering life, it always does pass.
