H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Evie]

Seek, thanks. I don't plan to mess H around. I agreed to sell the house b/c the alternative option is one that doesn't lend to a clean break and it means i would have to have a mortgage and would be stretching myself to the limit. The alternative is too complicated and it would anger him. When the kids had their melt down last week, it through me into a spin and I panicked, i have being feeling really low all week. If i moved it wouldn't have any impact on the amount of times i would bump into her, not unless i moved towns and I'm not uprooting my kids or myself or changing jobs at this stage.

Working on my strengths is a good idea. I know i'm sociable and friendly and not shy but i'm also a home bird. When I look back now, I can see that H was bored and restless in the home. I felt that I carried him in the family for over 2 years, I did it happily b/c at the time I didn't know any different and thought he was just tired from work. Now I can see how much more energy he seems to have I have realised how much i did do and at the end of the day, i didn't have any energy much energy left and I used to complain to H that I had no support from him, no respite, no family time or couple time together. He complains of teh same thing, but i didn't really see much evidence of him working or wanting to change things.

If his actions are anything to go by, then he seems to be detaching even more. He seems very happy with his life now, which makes me feel sad. I don't want the old M back as neither of us was happy with that, but i still love him and want the chance to work on what we can have again. He contacts me less now and when he does its about the boys mainly. I can see him slipping further and further away and he doesn't seem bothered, he doesn't seem to even miss me or our family.

[Evie]

my sil gave birth to a baby boy last night - called Jacob...i'm so happy. I wasn't sure if h's brother had called him so I sent H a txt message to tell him the great news and asked if would tell the boys as they will be so excited. H said he would go up and visit them in the week. I sent a text and said that bil/sil would appreciate contact from him. H texted back and said he had contacted them and said he would go up to visit.

I feel sad today b/c he is camping with the boys, when all throughout our married life i wanted to go camping and he never would and now he's going upto visit our bil/sil and wil take the boys with him. It's as if I don't exist anymore. I feel he's really moved away from me

[Hope4us]

I'm going to a friends tonight for a drink as he has his children for the weekend and has just moved into his own place after his divorce. He had being seperated from his wife for 2 years, she had 2 affairs and the night before the d was final she asked if they could try again, but he has moved on now and didn't want to reconcile.

Evie, I don't think I've replied on your thread before, but I have been following along and I wanted to comment on this quote. I can't believe how many times I've read this or heard of it first hand since I found out about my WW. It's almost like a wayward is so sure they want to move on, but when the reality hits, they finally figure out the grass isn't always greener, but like your friend, buy then the LBS has figured out they don't need the WAS and they reject the WAS's late attempt at reconciling. And I can see that happening in my sitch.

Sounds like to me you're doing as well as can be expected. GAL really does help. But I think is almost helps too much because it makes us LBS realize we are special, contrary to what our WAS's make us out to be and able to make it on our own (not that that is a bad thing at all), but it helps us move on.

Keep your chin up.

[Evie]

Thank you hope for commenting. I am sorry to see you here, but happy you stopped by.

Can i ask you a question? it seems as if have things in common as in children the same age and op in the picture. Can i ask how your daughters are coping with this, do they talk to you? live with you or their mum?

Also, i have bein sooooo tempted to contact ow H as he has had them followed and knows more than i do, may i ask if your contact happened by accident or was it planned?

i'll try and catch up on your sit.

[Hope4us]

Well, lets see.

My children are sons, but they're coping as best they can. WW and I are still living together. She has said she's going to stay until at least DS16 graduates from High School and see if things change between us. DS19 is away at college which is hard because I don't really know how he's doing. He does have a large group of friends which is good. DS16 is having a tougher time as he's at home and witnesses how WW is acting. He's said to me a couple of times lately "why don't you just divorce her so we can get on with our lives"? He is the one I'm worried about. He's a conflict avoider by nature and he'd rather we divorce (and avoid the conflict) than put up with the stress, etc that is trying to save the marriage. They still love their mom, but they don't like her much. I've tried to use this whole mess as a learning experience for them. What's acceptable and not in a marriage. Truth is always best. DS19 has a GF that he's been seeing for almost 3 years and they've talked about marriage (but only after they both finish college and are established) and I've spent alot of time talking to him about boundaries in marriage, etc. Don't know if that's sunk in yet as next weekend he's bringing a friend (who is a woman) home with him because they're going to see a concert together with some other friends. Anyway....

As far as contacting OMW...I did it on purpose. In my sitch, OM worked at the same location as WW and then last Aug moved to a new job ~250 miles away. His wife and kids live ~1000 miles away. Been that way for years. He moves from job to job every couple years and they stay in place at "home". I strongly suspected he was a player even before the affair started and had repeatedly warned WW it was highly probable, but that didn't stop it. So once I found out for sure about the affair, I contacted his wife. I know many people on DB don't agree with exposure of the affair, but I strongly do. There is no way I would have been able to last "waiting" for the affair to end and
WW figure it out, so I set out to end the affair any way possible. And in my opinion, exposure is one of the strongest means to do it. I knew she would be livid, but i figured our marriage could take the anger, but would never survive a 3rd person in it.

In my sitch, exposing to OMW was the beginning of the end of the affair. But because of his serial cheating (which I learned of from OMW) it ended their marriage (in the process of divorce), so it didn't completely end the affair in WW's mind because now OM is free and she thinks he's going to "make her happy for the rest of her life". WW just hasn't figured out that he was using her as OMW has told me that she's pretty sure he already has another GF in his new town. And that seems to be the case as I've seen evidence that WW wanted him to come visit a couple times in Jan/Feb and he wouldn't.

So what does all this mean? Kids are dealing with it best they can. If there's anything good to come of this, the boys and I are even closer than we were before. Exposure has most likely ended the affair. When I saw where WW had tried to arrange another visit from OM back at the end of March is when I told the kids what was going on. DS16 pretty much knew already. And I had exposed my WW's STD to OMW and hence OM in early Feb. She hadn't told him about it and he was PISSED with a capital P. All those exposures seem to have ended the affair, but now I'm dealing with her anger over my "controlling" her by getting in the way of her "happiness" by screwing up her fantasy world.

I guess I accomplished my main goal, which was to make sure this POS OM was never near my kids. In addition to being a serial cheater, he's an alcoholic and was/is abusive verbally to his kids and verbally and physically to his wife. If my marriage doesn't make it and we divorce and WW moves on to another man, ok, but at least it's not this POS.

That was probably pretty long to say the kids are doing as well as can be expected and I contacted OMW on purpose, but I wouldn't change a thing about how I did it other than I'd have told the kids the same time I told OMW. I just wanted to see if I could avoid telling them and if my exposure to OMW would have finished the affair once and for all I wouldn't have told the kids.

[Evie]

Thanks H4U.

I have just read on marriage builders that an affair usually only lasts about 6 months once the affair has been exposed to family/friends etc as the novelty of the lies etc soon wears off.

Then it says that if a spouse has left home and there is an affair, stastics show that they very rarely return to work on the marriage!

Great, exactly what i didn't need to read.....

[naej]

"Great, exactly what i didn't need to read..... "
you can read it but you don't have to believe it.
There is another thread that talks about this something like I don't believe this! can't remember the exact title.
You may also care to read up on the different types of affairs.
Either way in the long run its working on you that counts.
Good luck.

[ACJ]

Evie,
Unfortunately statistics rely very much on who pulled them together. So for example the stasitics you quote about WAS not returning if there is an A after they have left the M may have been compiled by someone who has done just that. They may only have done thier research amongst people who fall into this category. There will be a different set of statistics somewhere that has been drawn up by someone in a reconciled M. They will paint a different story.

As Naej said the important thing is that you focus on you. You may or may not be able to bring your H home but statistics certainly won't they are just numbers from a past event.