The list your H gave you of what he wants to see before he will feel he can come home is interesting and most of it makes great sense. Did you respond at all or just listen? I think I might not want to agree to "don't ask questions" - but that seems like a ground rule issue that could be settled when you get further down the path of reconciliation. For myself, the one that I know I need to do and yet struggle with is "be happy w/o him" - that seems like the key to DB and yet so hard to achieve. I am impressed when I see that other DBers have reached that "I'm happy with my life as it is" attitude and frustrated that I can't seem to get there. I am always looking for "clues" on what works for others. Your talks with H seem so encouraging. It is great that your H still has this pull back toward you - that would give me confidence and hope. It is so important to be happy with yourself and so wonderful when you then also have a partner to share that with. Have a great weekend - w/ or w/o H!
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
Hi Addie, TD and Seek. Thanks for the encouragement
Well, we went with his cousin to eat sushi and then went for drinks. Overall we all had a nice time. I didn't do very well I'm afraid with DBing. I keep slipping up in the same ways over and over. I think it's sometimes best for me to simply stop talking. I evaluate everything he says and then talk about it. I learned last night that he still sees the same problems that existed before we S that hinder reconcillation. At least he's not trying to drive me out of his life. I have such a great opportunity to change his heart and mind but I'm standing in my own way.
We dropped them off at ILs and then we came home. H slept on the sofa. This morning he left to go to work.
Last night was a huge learning experience for me. Here is a list of positives and negatives in my sitch. I think a list will give me more perspective
Positive 1. Spend time together 2. Says he loves me 3. Have encouraging convos 4. No OW 5. Open and honest with each other 6. Comfortable with each other
Negatives 1. H wants a D 2. Long cheesless tunnels 3. I haven't "let go" / detached 4. H said he's not coming home. (see 3 #) 5. Too many R talks 6. Need to do not think about doing.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Well, you're very aware of the negatives, now YOU have to do something about them. You can't do anything about # 1,4 but you can certainly change the other negatives - they are within your control. Stop going down cheeseless tunnels because you'll end up with the same results over and over. It's very positive that H stayed over last night and that he invited you to go along. You may have another chance tonight - don't bring up the R at all. Just enjoy the time you spend with H.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Addie..I keep telling myself what needs to be done and then I do the complete opposite. aggh!
He's here right now having a nap I was all smiles and sweet when he arrived. No mention of last night because that would be another dead end. No point bringing up anything bad now.
Another day begins.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Hi Lisa...thanks, and I didn't even think of it as acting "as if" but it was wasn't it.
When he woke up he went back to work and I went to get D from her grandparents. While he was sleeping all I wanted to do was cuddle up to him like we used to do.
H thinks the D is something he "needs" to do. He keeps asking me to let him do this and we'll be ok. Sometimes I think it's because he wants to move on from me and other times I think he wants to change our R. Lisa, I was thinking about what your H said in your convo that "he'll fix things". My H says that a lot too.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I'm just about to go to sleep, but thought your post was really interesting. I've read a lot that when in the midst of a crisis, the WAS say these things about getting a D and then re-marrying, or other similar things that seem to make no sense. Apparently it's a mark of their confusion and internal conflict.
I wonder if H feels the D is something he needs so he can feel free to explore his demons, whilst expecting you to still be there and to be his friend. I know my H seems to think the same thing- not D related, but for me to be there and be his friend and support him, even though he left. It's so confusing isn't it?
Great job on not cuddling him though- that must have been hard to resist! And yes, it was acting AS IF. YAY for DBing without even knowing it!
I agree with you Lisa. There is a lot of confusion going on by both parties. He even said his C has made him think and makes him doubt his decisions. But has stuck to his guns about the D. He said we're divorced once we signed the papers. I know technically that's not true but why argue right?
I'll be his friend but I'm not sure how I'll react if and when he "moves on". I feel like I only have so much time before he does. I also think I've put pressure on myself due to that. On the other hand I don't think H is going to go jumping into bed with the next best thing that comes along either.
No one knows the future. My C says that all we have is the here and now. There are people who dwell on the past and the present isn't appreciated, there are people who do whatever in the present to influence the future but don't enjoy the present and there are stil others who focus upon what the can do to make the present the best it can be.
Which one will you be?
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Sounds like you have been having a bit of a roller coaster ride but it seems like you have been handling it pretty well. Your H sounds a little like my W in that once they get there mind set on something they feel they need to follow through with it, even if it doesn't make sense. From some of your posts it sounds like he is very confused and being the LBS we have little choice but to GAL and smile and bear it because anything else pushes them father away. The fact that he said he loved you is a very good sign (I haven't heard that in over 6 months, and only infrequently say it myself.....DBing)
Have you two gone on any dates since separating. I still think this trip to Canada will be good for you....he will miss you.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I was all smiles and sweet when he arrived. No mention of last night because that would be another dead end. No point bringing up anything bad now.