H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Jen_Jam]

Thanks Jen, Your so positive, I love your outlook and your advice....I have printed it off to keep reading!!!

You are most welcome - remember to use only what fits, some of my advice might not work for you.

You h recommitted to M within a year didn't he? Can there really be any hope for me?

it took him about a year and a half, as his feelings went in summer 2005. But please don't compare timeframes with anyone - each situation, although there may be similarities, is unique and each needs its own timeframe.

Glad to hear D2 got on well in C. I'm sure she is really angry and yes there is nothing wrong with feeling anger, it's how you deal with it that counts.

I did actually understand the financial stuff with the S!!! Woo hoo, I'm normally rubbish at maths. But I won't say anything on this, it's up to you to decide that for the best.

I'm slowly accepting the situation. I want to be friends but I don't want to be friends, if you know what I mean? It seems as if it's all on his terms.... he was talking to me last night about a recurring problem at work about his contract and I felt like saying 'don't talk to me about it, you choose to walk away from me your wife, you've lost the right to confide, take it to your b*tch I can't help you with your problems'. I didn't of course, I changed the subject as I didn't know what to say and didnt really want to get involved in his problems. (not good DB)

Yes I do know this one very well. I had going round my head a few times a song by Jayne/Wayne County called "If you don't want to **** me baby then baby **** off" But you're right it's not good DB. And the situation ISN'T fair - they rarely are. But it takes a superhuman effort to put aside these thoughts and focus on solving the problem. In my sitch I wanted my H to sit down and talk to me calmly, tell me what was going on in his MLC mind, reassure me all would be OK. None of that happened. OK, I had made mistakes in our relationship but I didn't deserve to have my heart ripped out of my chest.

But life isn't fair. I had to accept that what had happened had happened, I could spend my time and energy wailing about it (and I did for a while) or I could pick myself up, dust myself down and say "RIGHT!!!! You think you want a D, do you? Well, I am going to become THE most wonderful W EVER and THEN we'll see".

And I did become the most wonderful W ever. I changed me, for me but also hoping to attract H back, but you know something? The more I changed me, the more I looked at myself and realised where I was going wrong, the better MY life got. I found that other areas of my life improved dramatically. Work got better. Friendships blossomed. Even my R with my parents got better. I found that by changing me, my life just got great. I then started to feel that if my H then did leave me then HE was the loser, not me. And I meant it.

I borrowed his car at lunch time today (emergency)and on the floor was a brochure for italy/sicily. He told me was planning a break on 16th August as he asked me to have the boys, so he could plan a break. That's knocked me a little b/c I know he wont be going there alone, he doesn't have any friends to go with, so in all probabilty its OW.

Maybe it's OW, maybe he's going alone, maybe he's really a 007 agent on a secret mission, maybe the Pope has summoned him for an audience, maybe the borchure belongs to someone else, maybe he's actually going to the moon in August!!! OK, I'm getting silly now to make a point. You DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE what he is doing. Please stop speculating, you'll drive youself nuts. Focus on what YOU can control, let go of what you cannot.

OK, here comes the berating time. I am doing this only because I can see in you that YOU can be a success, that you DO have the strength to channel your energy and you can be happy in the future.

You are still focussing on the big prize, and you are not going to get that in a hurry. Maybe even not this year. This is not your goal for now. you've got the DR book, right? re- read it, especially chapter 6 from "I'm Discouraged". Set some time aside when you won't be disturbed to really focus on the words.

It may help if you can look on this situation as happening to someone else. Detach you out of it and take a cold look. Imagine it's a new project or venture which will need project plans, task lists, milestones, goals, tolerence levels set, spreadsheets. (Can you tell I do Project management in my job? It can help in DB'ing too)

So really I'd love to see you set some small goals to focus on. I'd love you to set out goals for yourself, your M, the kids. Make these really small - one of my first ones was "H wil smile at me". Goal setting really helped me, like I said in losing weight too, if you have 50lbs to lose it really helps to put your energy into losing the first 2lbs, then the nest, and so on. Before you know it you'll look back and 20lbs is gone.

OK, I'm rambling a little. Take care of yourself and your loving heart, pick yourself up,l dust yourself down and stop fighting with H, start fighting FOR him. Become irresistable. Right now he won't want to come back for fear of being "told off". SHOW him that isn't going to happen. How do you do that? With small and consistent changes. Slow and steady wins this race!

[Jen_Jam]

I know what you mean - I think we want it to be over, too (like the WAS only different :(), but it's not. There is no schedule for going through this process and a lot of the advice you see talks about a couple of years to really see change. Plus, your sitch has changed significantly in the last couple of months. Let it be. . . .

PS - Seek has it spot on here too!

[Evie]

H has just sent me this email:

Below are the details for a course for D2 for a level one teacher in July. D2 has to do this course - we cannot keep on using her as unqualified.



She left me a letter last night explaining her feeling and anger towards me and also stating that I am no longer a friend to her. She also said that reasons have been down to her rudness and the fact that she cannot even say a word to me.

This she has done at work and in the house.

At home I don't mind - its her choice but at work I expect her to be polite both for the dept and for our lessons.

If she cannot be polite especially to me in front of others then I will replace her in the lessons from Sept and I will not pay for the course.

If we can sit down soon to discuss the house sale please. I have asked for some help with some of the jobs from a friend as I wont be able to do all of these and work and look after the boys.

There is resentment with D2 - im sorry to have to say. The way she is now with me is no different from when I lived at the house! She never spoke to me then especially when she came back from her dad's. I used to say to you that she hadn't even said hello to me then you used to remind her!!

I know recently you have said she is a normal hormonal teenager - if this is the case then she has been one all her life.

I am not a nasty person and I will help anyone out and give anyone anything I have as I have always.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Such bitterness, such anger, such resentment towards D2.

D2 has been having C and the C helped her to write the letter, D2 did well on her own and didn't require much help, she left the letter for H to read this morning and asked him to not reply to her about it, so I guess thats why he's emailed me. What can i do? everything he says is true.

I'm putting off meeting about the house b/c i don't want to think about it all right now. I'm still undecided about moving. S1 had a meltdown last weekend and said to me 'Mummy, you won't ever leave me will you', it just broke my heart.

This w/e H is taking the boys away for a camping trip, Sat - Tues. When we were together i always wanted to do this and h never would, now he's bought all new gear and seems really happy with his life, which really p*sses me off b/c he has it all and what he has he seems very happy with. His single man's flat/life/ow/kids to suit/hardly any issues to deal with.

On a positive note, he emailed me yesterday and said to feel free to come down for the day and visit the boys and see the tent. Its a 6 hr round trip drive and the boys won't want me to leave once i'm there. I thanked him for the offer, said it was really kind, but cornwall was too far to go and come back in in a day and the boys would be upset to see me leave. No reply to that. Am i doing the right thing by not going?

So this weekend is 'project cheer up' time. Time for thought, plans, goals? Don't realy know where to start to be honest on the goals or the changes i need to make. I have addressed teh fact that i react negavtively and angrily, so am trying to be more positive and concious of reacting.

[saffie]

If your H is so financially hard up then how can he afford to buy all this camping equipment etc? He doesn't seem to have his priorities ordered well IMO.

[Evie]

Saffie - He's buying it from the business account. He has offered me the same amount of money as he has taken out.

I've just had a reply to my email, basically saying unless she speaks civily to him at work then she's out of a job from September, plus a few other work related issues. I replied and said i would mention to her about hers manners but i didn't want to get involved in his management side of work, that basically that was down to him.

[seekpeaceofmind]

It must be hard for you when he takes this attitude about D2. It seems like he is lacking an adult perspective on this.

I thought you were resolved on the house situation? I know it's hard, especially with kids. But, can something good come out of moving? In my case, I want to move if it will improve my quality of life - if I can get a decent place closer to work. My house now has some advantages - it is private, yet in a convenient location. It will be hard to get everything I want in one place with less income. But - now I get very little sun, so I will be happy if I get a sunnier place. But, moving is very stressful even in happy times.

My only caution to you is to be careful that H doesn't feel jerked around - or be ready for another bout of power plays.

[Evie]

Thanks Seek, yes i do feel H is lacking any perspective other than his own selfish self atm, what he says is true about D2, but I love her unconditionally as i do all my kids and H for all their faults.

What did you mean by 'h feeling jerked around'? I don't want to jerk him around intentionally.

I don't want to have to go through what i'm facing. H has already made the move away, emotionally he's detached from the house already. But it's a slow process and won't be done overnight, so there is time to come to terms with it and learn as i go along.

Had a brief chat with D2 last night and just gently reminded her to be well mannered and polite/civil around H, she said she always says hello! I know the face she wears and i know about her attitude. I suggested also that it may be a good move for her to start looking for another job and get away from the emotional ties with H and OW at work. She said she would. I know she's in her conmfort zone atm and doesnt want any changes and i appreciate that, but I think deep down she knows she has to make the change.

Saw H last night, the interaction was good, same as normal, he talks to me, looks at me, he looked tired. He collected some stuff for the camping trip, we spoke about the business a little about the boys a little. he never asked me how my day was, he never does, come to think of it i never asked him how his day was, our lives always seemed so rushed. He doesn't seem uncomfortable around me, but then conversation is always safe subjects. It seems like the light has gone out of him, maybe us.

I'm whittering now, so i'll go.

I want to work on goals and catch up with reading DR this weekend.

Any suggestions for goals welcome as i can't seem to set any and i'm still struggling with what i can improve about me? I have identified the angry responses so i'm trying to work on that. I know that ignoring him makes him worse, but i don't always respond straight away. I'm also standing up for myself a lot more (assertively, not aggressively i hope?), i may have been a bit of a door mat before, although i didn't realise it, i thought i was just easy going. I do go out loads more now than i used to, so these are positives right?

Nearly forgot, i booked a flight for myself last night for 5 days to Rome in August (D1 will be in Rome that time and her and her friend invited me to spend some time seeing the sights with them), wow i'll be travelling for the first time on my own........ Just need to sort out some accomodation now. Feel a little weird doing it and not sure really about it (more worried about the money, but hey wtf).

Woke up for the first time this morning and H was not the first thing on my mind....yea

[Evie]

Girls went off with their dad last night for the bank holiday wekend with him and H took the boys off last night for their camping trip. I'm home alone until late on monday night. I have some work to do and plan to go to the gym, do some shopping, chill catch up with re-reading DB, cook myself something nice to eat. I'm going to a friends tonight for a drink as he has his children for the weekend and has just moved into his own place after his divorce. He had being seperated from his wife for 2 years, she had 2 affairs and the night before the d was final she asked if they could try again, but he has moved on now and didn't want to reconcile.

Interaction was normal between H and myself last night. I find it hard to believe that he is exactly the same with me now as he has being over the years, yet he is able to 'act' so normal whilst hiding lies and being deceitful, i'm wondering if i know what 'normal' is for him?.

I watched a dvd last night called closer, a good dvd recommended to me about 4 strangers whose lifes become intangled with sex, marriage, lies and deceit.

[Evie]

went to the gym for a work out and a swim this morning. Saw my good friend in the lanes swimming, so swam with her for bit then stood chatting for ages. Guess who was one lane away teaching - OW....OMG i can't go anywhere... I tried not to look at her at all and when i finsihed my swim i went into the sauna and when she finished her lessons she came into the sauna, i don't think she knew i was there, don't suppose it would have made any difference to her if she knew.

I didn't stay in there for long when she walked in.

I tried to think how i feel towards her. I guess it would help if i knew if they were on or off. I don't feel intimidated by her, ok she is the complete opposite of me, she is tall, annorexic thin and blonde, but I don't feel anything, just numb - is that normal? shouldn't i want to hit her or something or at least feel like saying something?.

2 people this week have asked me if H knew i wanted him back and if does he want to come back. I said yes he does know and no he doesn't want to come back. The one person said their reaction to you finding out about the affair is important. Well his reaction was 'i told you i didn't love you'.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Evie - your plans for the w/e sound great. It's a shame th you ran into ow today - that wld be so hard. I don't know what normal wld be. I think it is much healthier for you to be w/o feeling toward her - I always think the anger is so misplaced when it is directed at ow - not th you shldn't have animosity toward her, but H is the one who broke the promise. Sometimes the cheated on spouse seems to focus on the ow or om, when the problem is w/ the spouse who did the cheating. On the other hand, I wldn't ever want to lay eyes on the ow, but I don't know how I wld feel toward H. I wld want to be able to forgive him (I think), but there wld be no real reason to forgive ow, except that bitterness is so harmful to the one who holds it. Once again, I don't think I'm making much sense!

One question - if you did sell house and move, wld it mean th you wld be less likely to have these chance encounters w/ ow? That wld be reason enough for me to move ASAP.

What did you mean by 'h feeling jerked around'? I don't want to jerk him around intentionally.

I just thought that you and H had already agreed to sell house and I think he will not react well if you have second thoughts. When he thought you weren't going to go along with his plan last time, it got pretty stormy. I'm not saying th you wld intentionally jerk him around, but that he wld react as if you did. If you did agree to sell and you now think differently, you need to prepare for his response.

Any suggestions for goals welcome as i can't seem to set any and i'm still struggling with what i can improve about me? I have identified the angry responses so i'm trying to work on that.

It's hard for me to comment on goals for someone else, but I'm wondering if you need to make them about self-improvement. Maybe it can just be abt your quality of life. Getting enough sleep, time w/ friends, exercise and fresh air - all helps w/ depression. Getting your money sitch settled so th you can enjoy life, incl travel. Getting D2 settled. I don't think it has to be all abt identifying and fixing your "flaws". Maybe it shld be more about your strengths. . . .