Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Hope4us]

Thanks LIS. I've been following your sitch, but really don't have any advise for you. As long as your wife is still in communication/seeing OM, your sitch won't improve. If she is no longer in contact with OM, then give it some time and let her come out of the fog.

Yesterday when WW got home she walked in text messaging someone (either DS19 or the enabler GF, they're the only 2 people she TM's), slams her keys and purse down and continues looking at her phone. I told her I was going to get a sub for dinner, and did she want one? She said yes in a fairly nice voice. I get back and she's sitting at the PC and periodically texting. The times between receiving a text back is longer than when you're sitting there having a TM conversation. I've had this thought before, is WW using the enabler GF to be the TM middle-man between OM and her? Might explain her slamming her keys/purse down when she came in if WW was trying to get OM to come up and "visit" on Monday while DS and I are at the cookout/grad party. Actually makes me kind of smile. If that's the case, then maybe she'll finally get that he was using her and will end contact. If she was actually TM'ing the GF, obviously they weren't seeing eye to eye about something. More good for me.

Ok Pup, let me have it. Paying too much attention to what she's doing/thinking instead of detaching. But I'm really not. Like I said before, I can't help my "run the scenario's though my head" personality.

I was reading parts of "After the Affair" again, and the more I read it, the more I come to the conclusion that I will be the WAS come July. I sat there looking at her last night and all I see is a bitter, ugly woman (not that her looks have changed, she's still very attractive in looks). She just looks like she's aged 10 years in the last 6 months. And I just don't feel the things for her that I've felt for over 23 years now.

Can that change? Yes, but she's going to have to be the one to show me. Maybe the book has shown me that I have always been the one in this marriage putting the effort in and when we hit a stressful time in our lives, she cut and ran to OM and I DON'T/DIDN'T deserve it. There are things about her that bug me too, but I didn't have an affair, even though there were a couple times over the last 5 years where I could have had one if I'd have let myself go there. But I didn't. Because I made a commitment and vow to stick with her through thick and thin. But she didn't. So why do I keep putting myself through this? Why am I trying so hard to save a marriage to someone who did this when things got a little tough? Have I just been ignoring things in our marriage because the marriage has been GOOD with the typical stresses that every marriage has? Has she always had this in her and the opportunity just wasn't there before and that was the only thing that stopped her? Is this part of her character that I've never seen before but it's always been there? She's always been a flirt. Does she NEED this validation by other men because there's something in her personality/past that having a husband that loves her unconditionally isn't enough and this affair was just flirting to the extreme and because of the circumstances it progressed to the next step? I mean, soon after we moved here, OM was talking to WW and another guy she works with came into her office. When OM left, this guy warned WW to be careful because OM was always fishin. The next day WW tood some goldfish crackers to OM's office and left him a note that said "gone fishin"? I mean, if that's not sending out the signal that "I'm available", then what is? And she "didn't go looking for this"? Why am I trying to save a marriage to a woman that obviously was either unhappy for a while and found a taker or a woman that has a need for validation by men that can't be satisfied by a loving husband at home?

Ok, I'm done with the ramble. Just been thinking a lot.....