this is so great!! wow, the comfort, the warmth between you, I can FEEL it!
Hey, I"m so glad you did a "OD" and said you needed the shower to be big enough for two!! (I loved taking showers with my B, especially because there is a dRAUGHT in atlanta right now--yay for "saving water"!!)
who knows, maybe when he is ... working on the shower ... he will need to "rinse off" and maybe you could... help him!!
it actually sounds like (no expectations) that you guys are in a really good place to start building something new.
do you feel like youv'e let go of all your anger?? does it feel like he has?
girl, you worked SO hard to get to this point. I am REALLY proud of you!!!!!!!!!!
LOL! Essie, It sounds like you and H had a really positive interaction on Wednesday. I'm so happy- you've worked amazingly hard to get here. It does sound like you're into, or getting towards friendship- that's so fantastic!
I love the shower flirting, BTW. I'm going to save that and try it myself one day. Hmmmmm, and I think T's suggestion of rinsing H off is masterful- I'd say I can =imagine it but I don't want to sound like a pervert! LOL!
Have you and H got any plans to meet/speak again? I hope you're having a great week!
Nothing much to report. A few more phone calls (relating to bathroom rennovations) - its cool and I'm happy etc etc.
My sister who is 9 years younger than me, mentioned that she had seem my H and that it was nice etc etc. My sister is planning a trip skiing/snowboarding this winter with some of her friends (who are about 20 - so 13 years younger than H), and H had asked if he could come along too, and offered to pay all my sisters expenses. (!!!) I don't know what is going on with H, but I dont think I respect him at all anymore.... Thankfully my sister thought it was rather pathetic of H, and he isn't invited on her snowboarding holiday!
Really missing H today (weird!). I think I dreamt about him last night but I cant really remember it...
And all day I've been thinking of texting H. He is going to NZ sometime in the next few weeks for a friends wedding - I'm not sure of the exact dates. H is still going to be rennovating my bathroom but it has been delayed for 6 weeks because some of the fittings werent available.
Anyway today I feel like maybe I should text SMS H "Hey. When are you off to NZ? We should catch up for a drink when you get back. E"
Is it too bold? Should I just be patient and wait? I'd love some feedback.
I'm going to think about it for a few days anyway....
Also I've been kind of wishing that someone in H's life would have something massive happen to them to shake him up a bit and make him stop and think..... it doesnt have to be something bad it could be something good! Just putting this thought out to the universe!
Sorry you are feeling bad, missing your H. But you know what, if we didn't miss them we wouldn't be here, "fighting" for them right?
I have no clue if you should go ahead or not with the TM. I would follow my instict, how the idea feels... Maybe leave it for 24 hours and see how you feel then, you feeling pants today (I got that from Lisa) creates this urge but does it "comply" with your long term plan/strategy?
I'm sorry you're feeling pants today too. I was feeling a bit like that yesterday- just wanting this to be over.
Anyway, I think you should send the text. IMHO, what you've been doing so far hasn't been working as well as we'd have liked in bringing you H back. If that is the ultimate goal, I think it'd be a good idea to try something different; make him feel safe to speak to you and that you want to speak to him.
I sometimes wonder whether my H feels so ashamed of himself that it makes it difficult for him to approach me/reach out. For MLCers especially they need reassurance and a 'safe place' so to speak. So I would try reaching out and see what happens. Bear in mind that it might take a little while of sustained reaching out to make him feel safer around you though......
I think I'm saying the same thing as K. What are your goals for your R with H?
Thanks so much K and OD - just nice to have someone out there who gets this stupid roller coaster ride.
I havent missed H like this in months... just missing him and the good times.
My goals for the R???? AAAHHHH - that feels overwhelming. I think my goal is to be happy - I've worked out that I can be happy without H, he is a bonus but not a need... If I want H in my life I know that we need to reconnect as friends first. (Today is one of only a few days that I really want him back - most of the time it seems easier to meet someone new without all the crap).
Is the text desperate or pursuing? If it is I dont want to do it.
I don't think it's desperate or pursuing at all- I think it's just being friendly.
Can I ask, why do goals for the R seem overwhelming?! I totally agree that your goal should be to be happy, but I'm still confused about what you want in terms of your R with H. If you want to be friends, I would reach out and see if that's going to be possible.
Would it be fair to say that you overall want to move on and meet someone else? I ask because sometimes I think it would be easier to move on and meet someone else, but then it's impossible for me to imagine being in a R with anyone other than H..... do you usually feel detached when you interact with H and unbothered by how it goes? Or does it still affect you?
It's really such a rollercoaster isn't it. I really think you're doing amazingly well though Ess!
Overall (based on today's feeling) I would love to start a new relationship with H. Sometimes I think that I am different enough now that our relationship would be great. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I imagined that he loved me - maybe it was really crap for him all along - and then it just seems easier to meet someone new and with everything that I have learned from DB have a fantastic new relationship. I guess I'm open to either happening. But I haven't met anyone even remotely as a possibility.... and H hasnt made any real progress back to me - we've only just reduced the tension.
I guess I'm aware that my emotions still dictate my goals - so I'm fairly easily swayed. I cant commit to being committed to restoring our R though - its out of my control. It has to come from H....
Hmm mostly I'm detached - whatever is going on is up to him and no longer my problem to sort out, and I'm actually OK without him. But of course all interactions are still highly charged on the inside for me, even though on the outside I'm calm.
September is my big month. I cant anticipate how H feels - what he is thinking in regards to divorce - there is just no way of knowing which way he is swinging. After a year is up I think its time to say that I loved him, we had a great time together, and in the end we wanted different things, and I will be ready to move on. Until September I want to keep the door open to reconciliation - but I get impatient with just waiting, and am so hesitant to reach out, as Ive been disastrous with pursuing too much.
Good to type that out - not sure I'm any clearer though!! Ha ha!!
So I sent the text message - will wait to see if there is any response. In the end I figured I really have nothing to lose.
I read your post and had a few comments. Sorry if this sounds a little direct- I'm having a direct day today!!
Originally Posted By: Essie
Thanks Lisa - you are such a good friend.
And so are you Ess! (((hugs!)))
Originally Posted By: Essie
Overall (based on today's feeling) I would love to start a new relationship with H. Sometimes I think that I am different enough now that our relationship would be great. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I imagined that he loved me - maybe it was really crap for him all along - and then it just seems easier to meet someone new and with everything that I have learned from DB have a fantastic new relationship.
Why would you think that he never loved you? Is this something from the bomb, or something H said? Or is it you going back and re-evaluating your view of the R based on H's *current* behaviour? If it's a more recent re-evaluation, I would caution against this- you guys were together for 7 years, which is a pretty long time to be with someone you never loved.....you must have both loved each other to be together....(?)
Originally Posted By: Essie
I cant commit to being committed to restoring our R though - its out of my control. It has to come from H....
Why does it have to come from H? Isn't a central tenet of DB that if one person changes, the other person will too? As far as I can tell, if you want your R you need to commit to doing something towards restoring it. I think if I decided that I couldn't commit to trying to restore my R with H, we would never have had the baby steps we have towards rebuilding something- as an MLCer, he is not going to decide to just work things out with me unless I make myself safe. Your H is MLC too, right?
Originally Posted By: Essie
Hmm mostly I'm detached - whatever is going on is up to him and no longer my problem to sort out, and I'm actually OK without him. But of course all interactions are still highly charged on the inside for me, even though on the outside I'm calm.
This is really interesting to me, and was what I was asking in my last post about whether you feel detached when you interact with H. I think that being highly charged on the inside when you interact with him shows that you aren't completely detached from the situation. You are obviously still emotionally attached to him (or you wouldn't care how the interactions go). Is this something you can work on more?
Originally Posted By: Essie
Until September I want to keep the door open to reconciliation - but I get impatient with just waiting, and am so hesitant to reach out, as Ive been disastrous with pursuing too much.
What happened that was disastrous? I'm really sorry but I can't remember. I think reaching out and pursuing are different- pursuing to me is constantly calling, asking for reassurance, pressure behaviour, initiating R talks. Reaching out is showing that you'd like to be a friend and that you're still there. You obviously as still there for H, so I don't see anything wrong with reaching out gently as a friend, along the lines that T has been. Maybe your H might react similarly?
Originally Posted By: Essie
So I sent the text message - will wait to see if there is any response. In the end I figured I really have nothing to lose.
YAY for this. I can't wait to hear what he says! Make sure you let us know!!!
